I’ve been asking for someone to break the Sex And The City Movie Vast Conspiracy Of Silence Squealing for what seems like the past five years, and finally an angel has come through. I just got done instant-messaging with a fellow SATC hate-watcher who saw the movie last night and answered every question I had, on condition of anonymity. If you don’t want to know every single plot point that matters, and the ending, don’t follow the jump!

lindsay: first, I think we know this, but does anyone die?
angel hatewatcher: No, I WISH. It was SO BORING.
lindsay: What’s the reasoning for Big ditching Carrie at the altar?
angel hatewatcher: Oh god this is the most retarded part, actually. Miranda leaves Steve after he cheated on her once, and moves into a loft in Chinatown. Steve shows up at Carrie and Big’s rehearsal dinner to hash things out with Miranda, and they get into a huge fight outside, and then as Miranda walks back into the restaurant, Big asks if she’s okay
lindsay: And then they make out?!
angel hatewatcher: No, she says something along the lines of “You two are so stupid to get married; marriage ruins everything.”
angel hatewatcher: he like makes this really pensive look that is like “i KNEW it”
angel hatewatcher:and then he ditches her.
angel hatewatcher: and miranda feels guilty, but does not tell carrie, until valentines day, when they are having this sad-sack singles dinner at a romantic restaurant. then THEY get in a fight, and carrie tells her to go back to steve, blah blah blah
lindsay: So that’s why the movie is about “forgiveness”?
angel hatewatcher: i guess it’s about forgiveness
angel hatewatcher: mainly it seemed like it was about prancing around naked in stilettos
lindsay: So who sleeps with who?
angel hatewatcher: Steve sleeps with some random woman you never see, but none of the ladies cheat.
lindsay: What happens at the end?
angel hatewatcher: Steve and Miranda get back together, Charlotte has a baby girl, Samantha dumps the actor and moves back to NYC, and Carrie and Big get married for real, but a civil ceremony at the courthouse. And he surprises her by having all the girls there. The end.
lindsay: Are there ANY funny parts?
angel hatewatcher: well
angel hatewatcher:the scene where carrie beats big up with her bouquet outside of the ny public library was hilarious, but unintentionally
angel hatewatcher: i mean, seriously, the whole screening room was cracking up
angel hatewatcher:it was SO PAINFUL TO WATCH
angel hatewatcher: i know there were other parts that were sort of funny, but most of the “jokes” were totally obvious and stupid, you know?
angel hatewatcher:like there is one part where charlotte poops her pants
angel hatewatcher:which in theory should be funny, but for some reason it was NOT funny, because they were trying so hard for it to be.
lindsay: Why?
angel hatewatcher: Why does she poop her pants?
lindsay: yeah
angel hatewatcher: Because they’re in Mexico.
lindsay: Haha Thanks so much for doing this! I’m sorry you had to sit through 2.5 hours of that.
angel hatewatcher: No problem! Oh one more thing: Carrie buys Jennifer Hudson a really expensive purse! And the whole movie is a commercial for Vogue and designers!
lindsay: Haha. Breaking news!

So there you have it. I was wrong: Steve isn’t gay, and Steve and Big are not gay together. But I was right about one thing: nothing really happens. Except Forgiveness.

Comments (16)
  1. Thank God someone else hate-watched it first because I was actually considering doing that myself this weekend.

  2. They violated the most important rule of a movie made from a popular long-running TV show- the movie must be THE GREATEST ADVENTURE for these characters challenging them in ways they would have never been challenged before, taking them places they would never have gone, and showing stuff we never would have seen in the series; also known as, “The Duck Tales Rule.”

  3. What about the “Charlotte dies of a UTI” plot spoiler sent in by a tipster? Their lies shouldn’t be protected by anonymity; expose them!

  4. angel hatewatcher is the new deep throat.

    and yeah, i call bullshit on this movie. like carrie wouldn’t care about the specifics of her engagement ring? i’m not some n00b here, trailer-makers.

  5. Happiness is now knowing I never have to see this movie. Thank you angel hatewatcher.

  6. sasha  |   Posted on May 29th, 2008 0

    ugh TORTURE! I am being forced into seeing it tomorrow! I was a fan of the show til the last episode…soooooo stupid! Not at all creative

  7. KCDaveInLA  |   Posted on May 30th, 2008 0

    I feel like finding the lines of all the single-cat-girls waiting to see this piece-of-crap secretary spread porn and yelling out the ending.

  8. Iwanttoknow  |   Posted on May 30th, 2008 0

    All I can say is THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU… THANK YOU A BILLION TIMES. I wasn’t too keen on seeing this movie anyway since the show itself had a way of making me angry. But wasn’t there supposed to be a dream sequence mystery? What happened to that? Anyway, I should have know Carrie would go berserk on Miranda about Big not marrying her, seeing how Carrie was an desperate, goldiggering, opportunist who saw Big as her only meal ticket out of spinsterville. I hate her even more now. Hell yeah! Miranda was right in leaving Steve. I would too. Shoot, how many times does he have to cheat on me before it’s unacceptable? Twice, three times, eight? Once is enough for me and I’ll stay single if men can’t commit to me like I commit to them. Like Miranda should take marital advice from Carrie. I guess Carrie would stay with Big if he cheated on her a hundred times just as long as she was taken care of. I mean Big cheated on her before and she came back and was hanging with him pretty much right after he cheated on her. So Carrie would not be on my list on people to take relationship advice from. I mean Hell, look at all her past relationships. She sucks! Does she seem like the go to person when it comes to this stuff? Please, Miranda should have known better than that!!! Well, I guess that’s what you get for being friends with a idiot!

  9. wankette  |   Posted on Jun 2nd, 2008 0

    Most of the movie wasn’t that awful, it gave closure to the series, IMO. I do think the ‘jokes’ were totally tasteless, unfunny and un-SatC-like. A female dog that humped things? As if that happens or that it’s funny after the what, 5th or 6th time they show it? The pants pooping was supposed to make Carrie laugh, which she did, but, sorry, she’d be mortified for her friend. The jokes were so obviously NOT written by women, but by men, to entertain men. Poop jokes, dog humping, lots of class there – not.

  10. Ahmed  |   Posted on Jun 11th, 2008 0

    Certainly these dumb witches know that in a communist country women don’t sit around eating, drinking, having sex, and least of all buying and wearing expensive clothes and shoes. But they’ll vote democrate anyway.

  11. Elle  |   Posted on Jul 24th, 2008 0

    Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid boring movie. I’m the demographic – Carrie’s age to be exact and I hated hated hated hated hated hated hated it.

    Loved IRONMAN. Hated SATC.

  12. Test



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