Are you excited? After all these weeks of short-lived yet monogamous flings with jagoffs like the Creepy Dutch Pedophile Singer, the Fat Guy Who Licks Things, and even that brief-yet-emotionally-devastating romance with The Peyote Nerd (most of which, mercifully, you don’t remember), you’ve finally found someone to hold your hand through life (for now), and it’s none other than world famous hunk Brad Pitt! Here he is, in the experimental dual role of his life as Chad the gym employee in the Coen brothers’ upcoming Burn After Reading, and your boyfriend:

Here’s something to watch after he dumps you (soon):

And here’s a Burn After Reading bonus pic for all those Michael Clayton fans who were mad that George Clooney and Tilda Swinton never got it on:

“Do I look like I’m negotiating, puddin-pop?”