Have you ever wondered what things were really like on the set of American Idol? Me neither. I’m sorry, but Kelly Clarkson nailed it in the first season, and everything since then has just been biding time until we’re all dead. Perhaps when the generation who knew Kelly Clarkson are buried in the ground, then the flying telekinetic humans that we are obviously going to evolve into will be able to move on with finding a new American Idol, probably someone who can sing underwater.

But if for some reason you did care, the New York Times has a report today on the on-set experience. You might be unsurprised to learn that the audience is smaller than it appears on screen, the judges often disappear during commercials to talk on their cell-phones, and the producers recruit sorority girls to stand in the “mosh pit.” Haha. Mosh pit. Right. Good one, Hollywood.

I do not watch this show, and I will continue to not watch it, America. If the people who are lucky enough to be in the crowd need a stage manager to instruct them for 15 minutes on “how to wave their arms from side to side over their heads during slow songs” what does that say about the people at home? I’ve put in my time, guys. Never again. Never again.