Man, Taylor Swift is such a robot, huh? She has a serious case of animatronic-face, and the “normal” switch has been set to “dead eyes” and snapped clean off. I mean, to be fair, she is a tiny, baby child. I couldn’t have hosted Saturday Night Live at her age. But she can’t host Saturday Night Live at her age either! It’s one thing to read your lines off the cue cards, it’s another thing entirely to sound them out as if you’ve never heard human speech before. She really was/is just very bad.

The Twilight parody (after the jump) was not very bad, though. It was very good.

“I know what you are, you’re dark green and ice cold.”
“Say it.”
Frankenstein ice cream cake!

I wish. I also enjoyed this blessedly Taylor Swift’s Inhumanly Evil Eyes-free ad for Carter n’ Son’s barbecue.

Although probably my favorite line of the whole night was in the Gossip Talk sketch, or whatever that thing was called, when they were doing a fake throw to the next segment and enticed viewers with “Next up, Mario Lopez is going to tell us how to get his abs…on your dog.” Haha. :)

Goodbye, Taylor Swift, time for you to crawl back into your Bad Batz Maru coffin and recharge your “human-empathy” battery (holds up to three minutes of “normal human emotion” after every 96-hour charge!).

Comments (48)
  1. shit, i want that barbecue

  2. Kanye was really the best thing that could’ve happened to Taylor’s career. Didn’t Gabe say this? Co-opt!~~

  3. Hold up Gabe, I’m happy for you and i’m-a let you finish, but Megan Fox had the best dead eyes of all time. OF ALL TIME!

    (are people still doing this?)

  4. Let’s hope this is not the last use the ‘Frankensteins’ tag gets.

  5. I thought Dead Eyes was pretty good in the Scared Straight sketch. That was definitely my favorite iteration. 1.21 Jizz-o-watts!

  6. The fact that Gabe knows what Batz Maru is, on any level, is fantastic.

  7. If someone could kindly upload a gif of Bill Hader spraying his mouth full of water into Kristen Wiig’s face, you would be my hero and receive one (1) upvote.

  8. She really got the Kristen Stewart acting technique down pat – bad posture, lip biting, tucking her hair behind her ears.

    Also, is now the time where I admit how much I secretly love that “You Belong With Me” song? It’s so cheesy and horrible, but catchy. I can’t escape it.

    • I am going to pre-emptively add Liz Rose onto my list of composers with terrifying powers of catchiness — I long ago gave myself a pass for anything Max Martin writes, because “Oops I Did It Again” and “Since U Been Gone” and whatever Pink’s new single is called will earworm me no matter what I do. Damn you, Swedish pop-song writers!

  9. Taylor Swift is one of those girls who’s really awkward and nerdy, but woke up one adolescent morning and was like, “Whoops, I’m gorgeous!” It’ll take time for her to grow into her skin.

    The rest of us awkward, nerdy, non-gorgeous girls are just going to sit here and be jealous, though.

    Also, why does she have an Emo in her band? Not to be racist, but he doesn’t belong there!

    • She has said as much herself (about being a nerd). I heard an interview with her on the radio a while back (The radio! It still exists!), and she talked about how she was a quiet nerdy dork in high school, and has never really let go of that insecurity, so she still can’t believe she’s famous and that people think she’s pretty and stuff. Her humility seems to be genuine, so I, for one, think she is an adorable robot, and a welcome upgrade from Teenbots Vista (see Lohan, Hilton, etc.).

      • I am so tired of everybody saying they are a nerd. Just because a celebrity refers to themselves as a nerd does not mean they are actually socially awkward. Her “awkwarness” seems so manufactured to make her easier to relate to. She has turned herself into a product and forfeits all possible insecurities.

        • I will say I met her before her first album was released and she was just beginning to see how the business worked but she was nice and shy and pretty unassuming. I wouldn’t be surprised if massive success has changed her but the awkward shyness wasn’t an act back then.
          I only saw 2 clips – the opening and the twilight bit – and she’s no actress but I thought she was fine.

  10. Really? I thought she did all right! You are correct — she is just a child. She looks sort of awkward because she is very tall teenager who is lacking a full figure and who has been attacked with eyeliner. These things are huge contributors to the wax-museum look. Otherwise, though, I thought she seemed like a nice person and I thought she did a decent job. I don’t like her music, but she looked like she was having a lot of fun. Professional actress, no, but decent and seemingly down-to-earth anti-slut? Yes. I give her a pass.

    • Oooooo! Disagree, Gabe. Circle gets the square!

      Incidentally, I love ’70′s game show references, don’t you?

  11. I liked the scared straight bit. Swift was absolutely bizarre in it, but I totally LOL’d at Thompson’s great delivery on lines like “1.21 JIZZowatts!”

  12. Taylor Swift’s Masonic Coronation at the MTV VMA’s (Complete with opening prayer by the high priestess, blood sacrifice, Test of courage, presentation of conflicts and resolution through welcoming to the fold on the other side of the trials, etc…) have yielded sweet fruits for her and her handlers. Congrats on making it to the upper echelons, Tay!

    also her eyes look like that because she has no soul.

  13. For Halloween, my wife was H1 and I was N1. Not entirely irrelevant, if I do say so myself.

  14. I thought she did pretty good in the driving PSA, but why was she in the scared straight parody? She had almost no lines and just shadowed Keanan as he finally did something memorably funny this season. Did one of the writers feel that she kind of looks like a dud so why not dress her up like one and then throw her in random skit?
    Also why no mention of the Fox News opener Gabe? First Jon Stewart’s perfect impression now no mention of SNL’s. Is Videogum now a no Glen Beck zone now?

  15. I thought Taylor Swift was great, actually. Different standards for musician/athlete hosts than actors, I guess. But overall very enjoyable. Monologue was good, and the PSA driving thing. That Scared Straight recurring sketch has to end, however.

  16. I still can’t understand people complaining about Swift’s performance. She did just fine, way better than I think people were expecting. I thought Gerard Butler, who’s supposed to be the professional actor, came off more awkward. I also do agree that the Scared Straight sketch was easily the weakest, though the Back to the Future part was hilarious.

    I leave with two words that prove Swift did great: Shakira impersonation.

  17. the driving psa WAS great. she does a good “annoyed nerdy teenager” voice. but also, it was just actually really well written. I also want more sudeikis as glenn beck. just the sight of him in a tricorner cap sent my heart a-flutter.

  18. You guys are making me question my negative feelings for Swift-as-SNL-host, so I’ll leave it. I did like the Weekend Update bits though, Abby Elliot as Sarah McLachlan and those crazy SPCA dogs. Also, my favourite line was from Fred Armisen as Nicholas Fehn “if they banned claymation in the 1970′s” which for some reason made me LOL very much.

    • I liked the Abby Eilliot bit on Sarah McLachlan too. But, I nearly shit a brick today when I realized that she is Chris Elliot’s daughter!!!!

  19. Whatever, Gabe. I’m in love with Taylor Swift and I don’t care who knows it.

  20. Ok, I probably shouldn’t admit this but I spent my saturday morning watching the Datline Special on CMT about Taylor Swift. Hoda was giving her the third degree and she proved herself to be a genuine human bean, unlike Miley. While her music is banal at least she is writing it herself. Basically… I’m a fan… damn you Hoda.

  21. I personally thought Taylor did a pretty good job. My problem comes from her singing monologue. For a person who ostensibly famous for being a singer, holy shit was that terrible. Like, drunken karaoke bad. So how she is famous? Did some put spell a porcelain doll to bring it to life and figured they might make some money off it somehow?

    Essentially the plot of Life Size, the Lindsay Lohan/Tyra Banks made for TV movie.

  22. Am I just really out of touch with popular culture or is the Kanye thing the only reason she was hosting this week instead of just singing? If SNL’s standards have fallen so low that the only qualification for being a host is that you’re caught in an awkward encounter with an egomaniac then we can expect upcoming episodes to be hosted by Mariah Carey’s maid, Eddie Murphy’s tranny hooker, and all eight Gosselin kids.

  23. I have a fever, and the only cure for it is more possibly contaminated swine meat.

  24. As much as I want to hate Taylor Swift, I can’t. She’s adorable. She writes catchy songs. She seems genuinely humble. Also, her Kristen Stewart impersonation is spot on. Gabe, the lack of human emotion and constant awkwardness is just part of her GENIUS

  25. It needs to be said that the Swine Fever is such an awesome throwback to the best kind of vintage SNL commercial parodies (Big Red/Happy Funball-esque shenanigans). Great work!

  26. ya know,i really wasn’t a big Taylor Swift fan(sexually speaking)…UNTIL i saw her as a brunette.have mercyyy.

    also,not enough of my big crush,Abby Elliot this week.

  27. On a Jenny Slate note, I tuned in a bit early for that Fox Sunday Crapfest and saw her on the credits of this show Brothers (here’s a hulu Clip!). I like the way she says ?tits on a bull? (though i?ve always heard it ?boar? but potato, tomato) Only, what the eff is Brothers, right?

  28. NO MORE HULU CLIPS!! No more, think of us Canadians, Gabe!

  29. I actually loved her “musical monologue” and the bit about her staying up late to watch Andy Samberg. Maybe this is because I assumed she would be horrible.

  30. Gerard Butler was worse, Megan Fox was awful, Drew Barrymore was too Drew Barrymore-y. I thought the Taylor Swift episode was the funniest of the season. It may have been because the writers had a few weeks off, but my wife and I laughed a lot during this episode. I still won’t listen to adult contemporary rock masquerading as country.

    Also– I don’t have a pic, but the haircuts of the two guitarists in Taylor Swifts bands were exactly the same as the Kate Gosselin haircut that Kristen Wiig tore apart in the view sketch. Priceless.

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