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What up, heroes in a half-shell!

Dudes and girl dudes, you’re probably feeling pretty invincible right now. You’re young! You have your whole life ahead of you! What could possibly happen? Well let me tell you a snap: you’re not invincible. You are completely vincible. In fact, you are very fragile. Like an egg, or a Nintendo DS. I’m not saying not to take some risks every once in awhile. It’s important to get out there and have fun with your homies. But hundreds, maybe even thousands of kids just like you are murdered every year by accidents that could have been prevented. JUST SAY NO. TO ACCIDENTS. When you’re out on your in-line skates, wear a helmet. When you’re having terribly awkward and incredibly embarrassing sexual experiences with your partner (who is equal to you in every way, and who you treat with respect), wear a condom. And when you’re in a car, wear a seatbelt. Wearing seat belts is DA BOMB.

Speaking of seat belts that are da bomb, I want to rap to you today about a pretty cool seatbelt. It’s the official seatbelt of Twilight. Oh, I’m sorry, DID YOUR HEAD JUST FALL OFF? You heard me right. There is no seat belt that can quench Edward Cullen’s thirst for Bella Swan’s lifeforce quite like the seatbelt in the new Volvo XC60. Don’t believe me? Just ask these clumsily edited images of Robert Pattinson standing next to a car!

There is more to life than a Volvo, but there is nothing more to life than basing all of your major purchases on an obsession with a paranormal metaphor for sexual anxiety for children. Tell your parents to buy a Volvo XC60 today! They’ll listen to you, because this whole thing just makes sense.

(Thanks for the tip, Clarissa.)

Comments (54)
  1. Wait. Since when are 13 year old girls able to buy cars? And why are their cars so much nicer than mine?

  2. Safe vampires sparkle and drive volvos! These poor kids are going to grow up very confused as to what ‘sexy’ really means.

    • I know! Back in my day, all the hip, sexy vampires drove ‘Stangs.

      • All the cool kids in my high school were named Edward and drove volvos and were pale. All the cool kids in my high school had fathers named Edward who drove volvos and were pale. One of these things just barely makes sense. (Sincere apologies to anyone named Edward with a palid skin pigmintation).

    • So, when Timberlake claimed to have brought sexy back, he had, in fact, brought sparkly back instead.

    • At the very least, it’s going to be hard to find a male human who will measure up in the ritzy and sparkly departmens. I guess my generation is fortunate to have only “the Coreys” as benchmark sex symbols. We had nowhere to go but up!

  3. Dear Diary: Convincing my mom to get me R. Patz undies and dildo was one thing, but she is gonna flip her shit when I tell her she has to buy me a car now. She’s such a drag! She doesn’t get me at all! I h8 her sooooo much!!! Me and Robert were meant to b together and nuthing is gonna keep us apart! I am the real life Bella! XOXOXO Robert!!

  4. interstate with a vampire!

  5. Vitamin Water and Volvos! Vampires are really into protecting health.

  6. I hear the heated seats work magic when combined with your Robert Pattinson undies.

    Sparkly, moist magic.

  7. Lame forced pointless promo tie-ins: so hot right now u guyz! Space Jam!

    • Twilight Commemorative Plates! How could there not be Twilight Commemorative Plates! I’m sitting here eating spaghetti with my fists!

  8. My head DID fall off Gabe, so now I totes cant drive. THX A LOT! I just got my permit, 2. Ugh sometimes I wish I could just shut the internet in ur face!

    • lolz@ “shut the Internet in your face!”

      Don’t let the Internet hit you on the way out! We should say that to trolls next time they hijack a Jeff Dunham thread.

      • I think that the joke, simple though it may be, would be beyond them. They’d be like “what do they mean? The internet isn’t behind me, the internet is all around us (because of how we live in the Matrix).”

        …But in their Matrix Lawrence Fishburne would be a whit

  9. “get off of that unsafe motorcycle and into my car” – rpattz.

  10. It doesn’t come with a sun roof. #dadjokes

  11. I hope the heated seats can keep my werewolf boyfriend warm, as he will not be wearing a shirt.

    • they don’t wear shirts or long pants because they tend to run really hot because of their sexy animal inner fire. as you know. just reminding you.

  12. Apparently twilight moms are the soccer moms of the new millennium.

  13. While you make fun of this, I’m over at http://www.whatdrivesedward.com winning a Volvo!

    (can’t wait to get my learner’s permit!)

  14. I drive a Volvo because it’s boxy but good. I’m so glad they finally figured out how to also make it sexy.
    On a semi-related note, are Vampires now only promoting things that start with the letter “V”? If so, I am really looking forward to the RPattz/Viagra tie-in.

  15. Finally, a Volvo that says, “I’m a glittering reanimated corpse with diamond-hard abs and a lust for codependent teenage girls which cannot be contained by your primitive human notions of ‘privacy’ and ‘personal space.’” I was worried I’d never find the right car for me.

    • GAWD mom! ur soooo embarasing vampires are so NOT rennaminated corpse u meen zombys everybody knows that!!1!! u never understand me i cant wait 4 when im 18 and i can go to colleg were every1 will get me & know wut the diff is b/w zombys & vampires!!!

      • I’m not about to take that lip from you, young lady! If you still expect me to drive you to the Twilight Movie Bash at the library this Saturday, you’ll watch your tone.

        • ARRGGH!!! I h8 u! y cant u b more like stephanie’s mom? she’s so cool n lets us stay up relly late 2 watch new moon clips. she even took us 2 that nerd place 2 see RPATZ! she let us walk around alone & hung out wit all the other awesome moms.

          • I know that right now it’s hard for you, what with puberty and boys, and high school next year, but when you’re older, you’ll thank me. There’s more to life than vampires and wolfmen, and body glitter and Hot Topic. It might be hard for you to see it now, and God knows Stephanie’s mother hasn’t figured it out yet, but one day you’ll understand. And on that day, I’ll be there to say, “I fucking told you so.”

          • ONE……… So help me God, if I hear you speak to your mother like that again, you will be grounded from here until you’re old enough to be a Twilight mom yourself. I can tell you one thing: Robert Patterson’s not paying for your fancy jeans and long, black hooded coats with crazy arms or whatever that is you kids wear; as long as I’m the one paying, I make the rules.

          • This whole thing reminds me that I never want children. Sorry, overcrowded planet and bizarre social expectations. You’ll have to find your carbon emissions and pointless lineage elsewhere. I’m taking a pass for this generation. There’s enough grammatically-impaired, pop-culturally addled bundles of hormones and ADHD to carry this thing we call the human race down an apocalyptic nightmare drain of our own demise. I will have no part of this.

          • The thought of your pointing Joey Lawrence avatar saying this makes me smile.

          • Thank you, dear.

  16. There’s more to life than a Volvo, that’s why you drive one. Because you’re dead.

  17. haha, “murdered by accidents”

  18. What else would a lifeless and two-dimensional character drive?

  19. Whilst on the subject of vampires (again), I just saw Thirst yesterday by Park “Oldboy” Chan-Wook and it was brilliant. Its a very refreshing spin on a ridiculously overpopulated subgenre. Go see it now before it gets remade by Hollywood…

  20. But what do the werewolves drive?

  21. Who cares about the car — I want to win them tickets to the PREMIERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE.

  22. Everyone knows what werewolves drive:

  23. The real question is:

    If he is a Vampire, why the hell does he care about car safety? Isn’t he *undead*?

    CHECK YOUR FACTS, SWEDES.

  24. Well, I once drove a little Nissan into a big Volvo, and the Nissan was not the one with damage.. so I’m not sure how safe those Volvo’s really are…

  25. Wait wait wait wait wait. Her name is Bella SWAN??? BELLA Swan???

    Obvious symbolism + obvious symbolism = obvious BARFism.

  26. gabe, your teen korner is consistently the best piece of writing i ever read, which isn’t saying much, but…you know…..

  27. I think that the joke, simple though it may be, would be beyond them. They’d be like “what do they mean? The internet isn’t behind me, the internet is all around us (because of how we live in the Matrix).”

    …But in their Matrix Lawrence Fishburne would be a white guy…or a pimp.

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