This was an important week in television, because it was the week when all the major networks announced their fall line-up of blog subjects and national punchlines. There is only so much time to do snarky recaps and countdowns to cancellation, so if you want to get your show mentioned on a lot of Tumblr’s, you’ve got to make it stand out. Lindsay already gave you some sneak peeks at a few of the things you’re going to be so excited (not excited) to watch next fall. After the jump, a much more comprehensive collection of previews and clips (via Hollywood Reporter), and a completely different take on Opportunity Knocks than my colleague’s.

FOX

Dollhouse

I’ve never really watched Buffy or Firefly or anything in the Joss Whedon canon. The idea behind Dollhouse is kind of cool: “a group of people known as ‘Actives’ or ‘Dolls’ who have had their personalities wiped clean so they can be imprinted with any number of new personas, including memory, muscle memory, skills, and language, for different assignments. They’re then hired out for particular jobs, crimes, fantasies, and occasional good deeds.” It’s nice to see that Whedon has earned his reputation as a clever writer (“Oh really, you guys have been pretty bendy with me.”)

Fringe

This is the highly anticipated JJ Abrams paranormal X-Files rip off. It is too bad that he didn’t do a “finding good actors” rip-off.

Do Not Disturb

Nope. I’m not dealing with this.

Sit Down, Shut Up

The fastest way for Mitch Hurwitz to wear out the copious good will he earned by creating Arrested Development would be through a terrible cartoon. None of us want that to happen, so let’s just hope that this cartoon is not terrible. Based on this clip it could go either way.

The Cleveland Show

UNSUBSCRIBE.

Secret Millionaire

Personally, I will be watching Exiled. While I do think that reality shows where people are charitable in order to get attention on TV are ridiculous, at least these people are doing something charitable while being horrible, but I can’t shake the feeling that the whole point of these new “positive” reality shows are just to make America feel better so that it can watch Fuck My Mom: Cycle 3 guilt free.

CBS

The Eleventh Hour

The description of this show is “A special science adviser to the government saves people from the worst abuses of science.” Sounds like the Intelligent Design people finally got their own TV show.

Harper’s Island

Gross. A weekly collection of horror cliches stitched together with the production design of an After School Special? It should apologize to Twin Peaks for stealing their aesthetic, and then it should apologize to all the children who’ve got a spooky singing voice through no fault of their own.

Worst Week

I think it’s really obnoxious when people avoid reality TV, or a low-brow pop culture event by stating the argument that the human mind is too precious to be wasted on such trash. But then I see actual trash, and I at least understand where they’re coming from.

Project Gary

I would like all the scientists and special agents from this year’s new shows to dedicate themselves to solving the mystery of why Hollywood insists that Jay Mohr has talent and deserves to be on anything, ever.

The Ex List

Ladies, you’ve made a lot of strides since the suffrage movement, and you’re really coming into your own now, but just FYI: this is still how a lot of guys see you. Fix that shit.

The Mentalist

Mentalist, what are you doing here? You should be up with the rest of the team at Project Gary, solving the Mohr Conundrum.

ABC

Life on Mars

This show looks good enough. We will have to see. Let’s just keep going.

The Goode Family

This new Mike Judge show looks super Mike Judge-y. So if that is your thing then this is now your thing.

Opportunity Knocks

This show should be called Turn Your Block Into A Living Nightmare. I can’t think of anywhere in the world I would less want to be than at my neighbor’s carnival-esque Ashton Kutcher game show in the middle of the street. And that includes Abu Ghraib. I’m callously using the tragedy of Abu Ghraib for effect, that’s how dumb this show looks!

NBC

My Own Worst Enemy

This is the only video available for this show, and while I know it’s just behind-the-scenes footage of Christian Slater getting promotional photos taken for the show, I really wish it was the show. Each week, Christian Slater stands around, not talking, while a photographer takes pictures of him, and then the photographer tries to pick the best photo.

CW

Surviving The Filthy Rich

Again, this is a decontextualized clip from the show that doesn’t seem very helpful in selling it, except that I wish this was the whole show. Some girls drives up on a rich person’s lawn, gets out, looks around, makes a stupid comment, and then drives away. That’s a show. Tell me that’s not a show. SO WHAT?!

Stylista

This preview just makes me sad. They signed Anne Slowey up for “mean bitch” class and she only got a C. Some of the other girls didn’t even show up to half the classes, but no matter how hard Slowey worked, she couldn’t seem to muster anything better than a “not unattractive kind of unpleasant drag.”

Comments (2)
  1. Dave  |   Posted on May 16th, 2008 0

    I would love to watch these previews, but they cut off after 3 seconds and don’t have sound.

  2. Stella  |   Posted on May 16th, 2008 0

    Mentalist is going to fail no matter how good the show is because the title is too funny. I know it’s an honest to goodness word meaning psychic, but it sounds like a third grade playground taunt.

    That being said, Simon Baker is a fine looking man, and if I continue to watch Medium no matter how bad Patricia Arquette is, I’ll probably get sucked into that one too.

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