David Spade emerged from his hot tub after a brief but relaxing 9-hour soak. He put on his $10,000 Billy Mays costume, complete with a button-down blue shirt owned by Billy Mays himself, exhumed from his grave, cleaned, pressed, and sprayed gently with Oxy-Clean for that Genuine Billy Mays Scent. He put on a fake beard and a Billy Mays wig and gave himself two thumbs up in the mirror. He couldn’t wait to enter the Billy Mays Costume Contest and win some great Billy Mays goodies and prizes, whatever that might mean. But first: trick-or-treating. He picked up his pumpkin-headed candy bucket, jumped in the hot tub for a final, quickie three-hour soak, waited for his costume to dry, and then was ready to go!
David Spade loved trick-or-treating because David Spade loved candy! If David Spade had it his way, he would sit around and eat candy all day. David Spade made a mental note to spend a little less time in the hot tub and a little more time having it his way. David Spade made a mental note to scratch out the previous mental note to and to spend more time in the hot tub having it his way. He called over one of his assistants.
“When we finish trick-or-treating, I want the hot tub filled with candy.”
The assistant typed this into their BlackBerry. “Would you like the hot tub emptied of water first, and then filled with candy, Dave, or would you like the candy poured into the hot water.”
“Well how am I supposed to get in a hot tub with no water in it?”
“So the candy right into the water then. Got it.”
David Spade could not wait to get home and get back in that hot tub. But first, the trick-or-treating.
He had his limousine drive him from door to door. He would wait in the car idling at the curb as his publicist went up the front walk to the door and knocked on the door. Homeowners would come to the door singing “trick or treat,” with bowls full of candy, happy to see the smiling faces and clever costumes of children, only to find David Spade’s publicist in a power suit, wearing a BlueTooth. Their faces would sag slightly. “David Spade would like to respond with ‘treat,’” the publicist would say. Or they would say, “what are you supposed to be?” and the publicist would say, “I am David Spade’s publicist.” For the most part people gave up candy pretty easily, because the whole thing was kind of weird.
At one house, when confronted, David Spade’s publicist insisted that his client would make no comment on whether or not the publicist had taken two pieces of candy on David Spade’s behalf from the bowl when the sign next to the bowl clearly said one piece per child. “I saw you from the window,” the man said. “I saw you take two pieces.”
David Spade’s publicist told the person on the other end of the Bluetooth to hold on for a second. “My client is not going to respond to these allegations, sir, but if he were to respond, I think he would say that it is strange that you put a bowl of candy on the front step with a sign when you are clearly home. And he might further add that it’s creepy how you are watching children from a window. But of course, my client has no comment, and that is all off the record.” The publicist told the person on the other end of the Bluetooth to go on, as he attempted to assist in putting out another Katy Perry fire.
When David Spade got home, he called People magazine himself and told them that he thought that Billy Mays would be “stoked” to know that he was a person that grown adult men still dressed up as for Halloween while they hid in their limousines and had their publicists get candy for them. Plus, David Spade added, the Mays family was in support of it, so it was impossible that anything that he had done was in bad taste, ever. “Just to be part of something like riding around in my limo while I send out a person who doesn’t personally like me but who I employ to like me very much to get me candy that would otherwise go to children is just really cool.”
And then David Spade undressed and climbed into his hot tub, which was bubbling and filled with melted chocolate and Now & Laters and pieces of nougat. And he stayed there for a very long time.