David Spade emerged from his hot tub after a brief but relaxing 9-hour soak. He put on his $10,000 Billy Mays costume, complete with a button-down blue shirt owned by Billy Mays himself, exhumed from his grave, cleaned, pressed, and sprayed gently with Oxy-Clean for that Genuine Billy Mays Scent. He put on a fake beard and a Billy Mays wig and gave himself two thumbs up in the mirror. He couldn’t wait to enter the Billy Mays Costume Contest and win some great Billy Mays goodies and prizes, whatever that might mean. But first: trick-or-treating. He picked up his pumpkin-headed candy bucket, jumped in the hot tub for a final, quickie three-hour soak, waited for his costume to dry, and then was ready to go!

David Spade loved trick-or-treating because David Spade loved candy! If David Spade had it his way, he would sit around and eat candy all day. David Spade made a mental note to spend a little less time in the hot tub and a little more time having it his way. David Spade made a mental note to scratch out the previous mental note to and to spend more time in the hot tub having it his way. He called over one of his assistants.

“When we finish trick-or-treating, I want the hot tub filled with candy.”

The assistant typed this into their BlackBerry. “Would you like the hot tub emptied of water first, and then filled with candy, Dave, or would you like the candy poured into the hot water.”

“Well how am I supposed to get in a hot tub with no water in it?”

“So the candy right into the water then. Got it.”

David Spade could not wait to get home and get back in that hot tub. But first, the trick-or-treating.

He had his limousine drive him from door to door. He would wait in the car idling at the curb as his publicist went up the front walk to the door and knocked on the door. Homeowners would come to the door singing “trick or treat,” with bowls full of candy, happy to see the smiling faces and clever costumes of children, only to find David Spade’s publicist in a power suit, wearing a BlueTooth. Their faces would sag slightly. “David Spade would like to respond with ‘treat,’” the publicist would say. Or they would say, “what are you supposed to be?” and the publicist would say, “I am David Spade’s publicist.” For the most part people gave up candy pretty easily, because the whole thing was kind of weird.

At one house, when confronted, David Spade’s publicist insisted that his client would make no comment on whether or not the publicist had taken two pieces of candy on David Spade’s behalf from the bowl when the sign next to the bowl clearly said one piece per child. “I saw you from the window,” the man said. “I saw you take two pieces.”

David Spade’s publicist told the person on the other end of the Bluetooth to hold on for a second. “My client is not going to respond to these allegations, sir, but if he were to respond, I think he would say that it is strange that you put a bowl of candy on the front step with a sign when you are clearly home. And he might further add that it’s creepy how you are watching children from a window. But of course, my client has no comment, and that is all off the record.” The publicist told the person on the other end of the Bluetooth to go on, as he attempted to assist in putting out another Katy Perry fire.

When David Spade got home, he called People magazine himself and told them that he thought that Billy Mays would be “stoked” to know that he was a person that grown adult men still dressed up as for Halloween while they hid in their limousines and had their publicists get candy for them. Plus, David Spade added, the Mays family was in support of it, so it was impossible that anything that he had done was in bad taste, ever. “Just to be part of something like riding around in my limo while I send out a person who doesn’t personally like me but who I employ to like me very much to get me candy that would otherwise go to children is just really cool.”

And then David Spade undressed and climbed into his hot tub, which was bubbling and filled with melted chocolate and Now & Laters and pieces of nougat. And he stayed there for a very long time.

Comments (61)
  1. Wouldn’t his limo be one of those limos with a Hot Tub?

  2. So, you’re saying that you disapprove of my Halloween plans?

    • Only because he thinks talking on a bluetooth headset while also speaking to a real person is very rude. Other than that it sounds like a video pizza party.

  3. This should become a regular thing.
    “Which sadly deceased legend will David Spade waltz patronisingly all over this week?
    Oh look! It’s Patrick Spade-ze!”
    I know… too soon.

  4. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  5. The only thing that could make this better is if David Spade had a hot tub time machine… to go back and time and not do that commercial.
    And of course, also stop Hitler.

    • UGH. I find Bill Maher’s smug self-satisfaction and misogynism much more offensive than anything David Spade has ever done (and I am including that sitcom he has with Puddy in that assessment).

    • Didn’t the sting ray stab Steve Irwin from below? If so, this costume isn’t even accurate. Fuck you, Bill Maher.

    • I wanted to make my own bill maher mask for halloween but i can’t get all the angles right in the face area.

  6. I don’t understand why David Spade has a hot tub. One of those little kiddie pools would do nicely. (David Spade is short, you guys!)

  7. I’ve got a much better costume idea, Mr. Spade.

  8. David Spade as a coke fiend? So he’s dressing up like Andy Dick?

  9. Hey, guys! I have a Halloween party on Saturday (duh)–should I go as David Spade in a Billy Mays costume or as David Spade’s publicist? Both are, of course, hilarious and timely. Also, I have all the necessary stuff (e.g., blue shirt, bluetooth, oxy clean, power suit, fake beards, etc.) right there in my closet, except that I don’t have David Spade waiting in a limo on the curb, so DS in a BM costume?

  10. Listen, this story lost me the second you said that the homeowners said “Trick or Treat.” That’s not how it’s done! Not in these parts. The kids say trick or treat! I demand Mad Men level accuracy and attention to detail in ALL my videogum fan fiction stories, dammit!

    • yeah, and they were singing? like the “trick or treat, smell my feet” song?

    • You know, you’re right. I had it correct in my original draft (haha, as if there are “drafts” of this nonsense) but I changed it, and now look. It’s broken. But I’m too lazy to make it right. ALTERNATE ADVENTURES MEANS ALTERNATE ADVENTURES. (Another factual error is that there is no such thing as male publicists.)

      I’m sorry that I ruined your Halloween.

    • To be fair, the last time Gabe went Trick or Treating was in 1937. Back then, you’d walk three miles between houses and you’d be lucky to get a half-eaten piece of Werther’s Original with shards of broken glass jutting out from it.

  11. Gabe’s fan faction is the pinnacle of American literature.

  12. why did Spade need a beard wig? if this site has taught me anything, it’s that Spade has a mighty fine beard on his own.

  13. First prize in the Billy Mays Costume Contest: A bottle of Chipotle Away. You know, to clean those pesky blood stains in your underwear.

  14. What is a Katy Perry fire, and do I even want to know?

  15. I wonder how Brian Posehn would feel about this piece.
    I doubt the whole cast of Just Shoot Me has hot tubs of watery candy.

  16. This doesn’t look good. I think the internet needs a nice long soak in a hot tub.

  17. Wow. What a pain in the ass for you guys. I think I speak on behalf of all monsters when I say I don’t care if there’s a couple spambots on every other post. I know there’s other security issues at play, and it’s not professional to let them have at it, but don’t break your backs over this.

    Ed Harrdyyy!!!

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.