“I’m a 37-year-old woman, and I work in marketing for a small research firm. I used to live with my long-term boyfriend, and I really thought he was ‘the one,’ you know, but it just didn’t work out. I’m OK! I mean, I still miss him, but it’s probably for the best? I don’t know. I’m taking a break from the dating scene, though. I tried it for awhile, but all of the guys were either jerks or they stopped calling me back. It’s not a big deal, I don’t miss it. All those awkward conversations and having to feel bad about yourself most of the time. Besides, I have my two cats, Pugly and Princess, and my best friend, Christy, and I go out for margaritas every Thursday. It’s nice!

I know that Robert Pattinson the actor is basically a child. When I put on my Robert Pattinson underwear, I think of him more as Edward the vampire from the Twilight movies, which I love (I know there is only one Twilight movie out so far, but I am assuming that I’m going to love New Moon just as much as I loved the first one, so that is why I said movies plural). Besides, it goes on under my clothes, OK? No one sees them. It’s just for me. I like to imagine him down there. Hi Robert! I MEAN HI EDWARD!

I guess I would understand if people think that it’s weird, but everyone is kind of weird, you know? I think if you’re not hurting anyone and you’re just doing things to make yourself a little happier, to make getting through the day a little bit easier, then what is the problem?

Also: I really REALLY want to fuck an immortal undead make believe vampire who looks like he’s in high school.” (Via TheFrisky.)

Comments (67)
  1. The inside makes me want to throw up.

  2. The last thing I want to see when I take a girl’s pants off is terrifying Edward Cullen face staring into my eyes. That and/or a penis.

  3. for a second, i thought this was another ad for lopez tonight. but it’s somehow much, much worse.

  4. Personally, I’m holding out for the fur-lined Taylor Lautner leotard. Yiff!

  5. woozefa  |   Posted on Oct 29th, 2009 +6

    last thing i’d want near my…well, anywhere, really.

  6. That’s your face, Robert Pattinson!

  7. I fear that no amount of alcohol will make me forget this image. That does not mean that I will not try.

  8. I like the signature on the taint. Wait…do women even have a taint?
    I’m so lonely.

  9. It’s only fitting where his mouth is…once a month Edward gets a bloody treat!

    ….ok, sorry.

  10. “Go ahead, Ladies. Do it.”
    ~Robert Pattinson

  11. Yeah, because you really wanna fuck an age appropriate immortal vampire

  12. Creepy underwear that wasn’t made by American Apparel?

  13. what if you are a mom doing your teenage daughter’s laundry and you see these in the hamper? what would you do? wait, what if your mom wears these?

  14. Aww man! I NEED a pair of these! Too bad I already blew my October budget on something else!

    • Why is her zipper so unnaturally large? That’s another thing about Twilight that goes against my every preconception of reality.

      • I don’t think zippers will work when they are any smaller.. or the teens wouldn’t be able to open it…

      • When you were talking about the zipper, I immediately looked at the doll’s pants thinking you were talking about some form of zipper there. Ugh, this whole post has got me thinking about people’s crotches. Kill me now.

  15. You guys are all acting like this is the first time a movie character has appeared on a pair of underwear. Does nobody else remember Joe Pesci’s line of “Tommy DeVito” underwear? And what about Anthony Hopkins’ “Hannibal Lecter” range? Just stick a couple of Fava Beans up there, ladies, and the mood is complete.
    But seriously, ugh.

  16. AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!


  17. That’s it. SHUT IT DOWN.

  18. Looks like we’ve found ourselves the next Double Dog challenge. Gabe, you in?

  19. We should all be so lucky to find underwear that turns us into instant pedophiles.

  20. Once, I was walking through the (scary) woods, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I was looking in the face of a vampire!

    Turned out it was a 12 foot woman in her underwear. Again.

  21. Were these made in America? I mean, did Robert Pattinson approve their production? “Yes go ahead and put a picture of my mouth and signature in the crotch region. That will look nice.”

  22. Its called the twitter, the area between the twat and the shitter.

  23. Let me just say not all confirmed single ladies, and single gay men have cats. Some of us have fancy fish tanks OK. This is exactily the kind of stereoyping the confirmed single lady/gay man community has been battling for years.

  24. okay i get putting r patz face on everything because MARKETING! but the inner lining? what IS that. why. how. UNCOOL twilight. uncool.

  25. If only there were special jeans to wear over this bad idea.

  26. Please stop posting my livejournal entries on your page.


  28. Sometimes we do live with our long-term boyfriends we think are “the one,” and sometimes they break up with us, and sometimes we do have to take a break from the dating scene and stay at home watching movies with our (roommate’s) needy and affection dog, at least to recover some of our self-esteem before we put ourselves out there again. IT’S HARD OUT THERE FOR A SINGLE LADY, GABE! 27, 37, it’s all terrible.

    Also: as an unemployed person I would wear those underpants, for money. Hello internet, now you know all my problems.

  29. I’m holding out for the Taylor Lautner ones.

  30. I wear them for the support Robert Pattinson’s powerful jawline provides my balls.

  31. And for the boys….Lestat.

  32. I can’t tell if it’s more or less awesome that it’s a gag gift.

  33. What about the generic teen vampire reusable maxi pad?


    i was expecting it to say “–Lindsay Robertson” at the bottom

  34. I bet Tom Cruise has a pair.

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