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[In this feature, we will periodically check in to see what is up with Topher Grace.]

A couple of days ago, I finished reading the novel Deadwood, by Pete Dexter. Did you know that the HBO show Deadwood was based on a novel? It was! I only watched a couple of episodes, which is probably for the best, because Pete Dexter’s novel is one of the best books I’ve read in a really long time. It was, in a word, perfect. The pacing and the plotting were flawless. And the language! Oh, the language was such a treat to read! Every page contained some kind of verbal surprise, and his powers of description are daunting. Nothing could be improved upon. It is as if the book fell from the sky, and all of the villagers gathered around thinking it was a Coke bottle from God. I cannot recommend it highly enough. Deadwood, of course, describes the mildly horrific, pre-civilized world of the Old West. An unformed American landscape where the only thing harder than the men is the women. It’s a glimpse into a life that we can only imagine, surrounded as we are by our modern conveniences and our soft-bellied expectations.

For example, I have no idea how people even got their Topher Grace news back then. It was not easy like it is now, where you can find everything that’s been going on with Topher Grace this week just by following the jump.

This week, Parade Magazine, one of the world’s finest and also best magazines, offers readers a Clark Gable biopic poll, and the options include our MAIN DAWG, T-Boz-Grace. (I’m talking about Topher Grace. He is one of the nominees for a make-believe Clark Gable biopic that does not and is not going to exist.)

Admittedly, I’ve let my Parade Magazine subscription lapse by never ever having one, and so I don’t entirely understand what is going on here. It’s a question a reader sent in to the magazine, (someone simultaneously obsessed with Clark Gable AND Parade Magazine), which the magazine then answers, kind of, but doesn’t actually answer, even though the answer doesn’t matter because no one is working on a Clark Gable biopic?

Trying to determine how Parade Magazine (easily one of the Top 3 Magazines in the entire world!) comes up with its ridiculous content is not important right now. What IS important right now is helping our buddy! Topher’s slipping in the polls!

Only three percentage points ahead of Clive Owen? CLIVE FUCKING OWEN? What kind of world do we even live in where Topher Grace is only barely beating Clive Owen in a make-believe poll for a children’s garbage magazine about a movie that doesn’t exist?

Help Topher out, guys. Vote for him here. I voted two times, ACORN-style! Mega-ditto, Rush. (Thanks for the tip, Lauren.)

And, of course, That ’70s Show remains popular in syndication

And there you go. That is what is up with Topher Grace. See you next time!

Comments (122)
  1. Yes We Can!

  2. Toph’s Agent: Mr, Grace you’ve won the poll! And have therefore been cast in the role of a life time as Clark Gable!
    Topher: I’m to classy for that shit (splashes shampagne in agent’s face)

  3. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  4. He’s only gone up by 1%! WE CAN DO BETTER!! :)

  5. this may seem like pandering, but i think that “It’s a glimpse into a life that we can only imagine, surrounded as we are by our modern conveniences and our soft-bellied expectations” to “For example, I have no idea how people even got their Topher Grace news back then” wins the award for Best Segue Ever (c2008 rb)

  6. woozefa  |   Posted on Oct 28th, 2009 +6

    topher just opened a new restaurant up the street from me called ‘douchebaggery.’ they serve nothing but Vitamin Water, only allow werewolves in, and hand out succudry vampire fleshlights at the door. i’m checking it out tonight, will advise.

  7. I was not expecting such a poignant book review at the beginning of a T-Boz-Grace update. Well-played, sir.

  8. Sounds like a good book, Gabe! I loves me some Wild, Wild West. I will read it once I am finished reading All The Pretty Horses.

  9. Parade Magazine was better in the ’80s, when it was briefly called The Parade Magazine. This was after The Synergy Magazine spread Definite Article Fever throughout the publishing industry.

  10. Toph’s beating Leo now, you guys! T-Grace for Gable ’09

  11. Yes. When I think of the suave, class-to-spare Clark Gable, I think of the smooth, debonair Topher Grace. I mean, c’mon! Even his last name is Grace! Look at this fucking face and tell me it’s not destined to play one of the biggest sex symbols of the 20th century:

  12. Well, I did it, I voted 220 times for Topher Grace on a Parade.com celebrity poll. I would have voted more, but in this economy, who has the time to waste more than 35 minutes at work voting on Parade.com celebrity polls?

    • While that it admirable, I think we may be giving ourselves a lot of credit. He may be up to 35% at my last vote, but we can’t compete with the tens of thousands of times that Topher Grace voted for Topher Grace. We are mere pawns in his game.

  13. Gabe, your description of Deadwood made it sound very similar thematically to Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. This may be unpopular here, but I hated Blood Meridian. Since you are smarter than me I assume you have read every book ever and I just wanted to know how the two books really compare. Also mega lols at the megadittos Rush.

  14. What is the official Videogum Monsters stance on Topher Grace finding out about this Videogum feature? Do we want it to happen? Do we want MAIN DAWG to acknowledge its/our existence? Or do we want this feature with its cocksure confidence and literary savvy (as of today) to slowly stalk MAIN DAWG week after week after week until he goes gentle into that good night?

    • I definitely want him to find out about it.

    • When I was looking for the pic I just posted, I saw sooo many Topher Grace VidGum links on Google Images. I’m sure his publicist will eventually see it and think “Wow, this ‘Videogum’ site sure seems to be interested in Toph…’

      • I agree, That One (Holy crap, I seem to be replying to you a lot? Like maybe I’m stalking you on here? Which will be weird when we meet at the Annual Videogum Music Awards that are a real thing and it turns out I’m really a 16-year-old girl who only pretended to be a 30-year-old man online, and you are a 13-year-old boy pretending to be a 42-year-old woman who pretended to be a 27-year-old man online).

        I think Topher Grace needs to know about the Topher Grace articles and images here on videogum, and Topher Grace I think the way that we can Topher it Grace is through Grace the Topher use of Gracewords Topher Grace so that Google can Grace it up in the resTophers. Topher Grace.

    • He’s too busy inventing ways to wear hats.

  15. I wonder what the Parade people will think after the sudden rise of Topher Grace…

  16. I read Deadwood and watched the series. Is it really based on the book? I thought both were just based on the same real town and people. Like the Al Swarengen characters in the book and movie are totally different, except that they both run a saloon.

    • You know what, I think you are right. I don’t think they based the show on Pete Dexter’s novel. REDACTED!

      • Awesome. I LOVE being right!

      • Apparently David Milk originally wanted to do a series on ancient Rome but HBO already had the awesome series in the works. But don’t beat yourself up I wouldn’t be surprised if Milk knew about the novel and could easily have gotten some ideas from it. But he’s such a self important arrogant dick that he went his own way. Proof that you don’t have to be a super cool nice guy to make incredibly cool art. . . or tv shows.

        Also Blood Meridian is awesome and I wish someone would make the damn movie already. Hell, since I’m not tied to reality let’s make it NC-17 to do all the horribleness (aka awesomeness) justice. Ridley Scott wanted to do it and I think also Tommie Lee Jones. I’d prefer Clint Eastwood or the Coens but hey that’ll probably never happen.

        • It’s come to my attention that I have spent the majority of my comments this week correcting people. First, I became the self-appointed rule police on that party game (you can only CHANGE a letter people, not add or subtract), then I caught this (possible) mistake by Gabe, then a few posts from now, I will correct Dillon High to be East Dillon High. I am starting to feel like a real douchnozzle. Nonetheless, I feel compelled to point out that the man’s name is David Milch, not Milk.

  17. 21%. If we can put Topher in the lead by Friday, Gabe will throw us a Monster’s Ball pizza party.

  18. 24%, If he wins, will it really happen?

  19. I couldn’t vote because I kept falling asleep before the page loaded because Parade Magazine.

  20. Still only up to 25%. I feel like George Clooney will not go away quietly, almost certainly due to the FACT that in some alternate, post-2012 universe, some other monsters have been persuaded to retroactively vote for him after reading that day’s Hey, What Used To Be Up With George Clooney? blogpost.

  21. DANG IT, Saw XVI Ad. stop popping up right when i’m about to upvote my favourtie male actor crush Topher Grace. havnt you done enough damage already :( (((((((

  22. this is amazing 32%. we can do this guys.

  23. George Clooney is the “easy choice” Parade? Really? I dunno, I think you guys are pretty creative over there. Naturally, Topher was who popped into my mind first, so this definitely threw me for a loop.

  24. Hey jerk, I like Deadwood (the show).

  25. Friend: Are you looking at Parade Magazine?
    Me: Yeah.
    Friend: Uhh… why?
    Me: Well, they’re running this opinion poll about who should play Clark Gable in his biopic.
    Friend: Huh. I didn’t know there was gonna be a movie about Clark Gable. I guess that could be kinda cool…
    Me: Oh, there actually aren’t any plans for the movie. It’s just kind of a “what if” scenario.
    Friend: Oh. What are the options?
    Me: They’ve got George Clooney, Clive Owen, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Topher Grace.
    Friend: (Laughs) Topher Grace? Seriously?
    Me: Yeah.
    Friend: So you voted for Clooney?
    Me: No. Topher Grace. Multiple times.

    (Awkward silence that lasts about ninety seconds. Friend heads to the kitchen while Me refreshes the page. Friend sits back down on the couch.)

    Friend: Are you voting for fucking Topher Grace again?!!

  26. clicking on that biopic link was a great flashback to the videogum of 2008 and how different the reader’s comments were back then. It’s as though the quality of the comments were at a 9% back then and have jumped to an incredible 37% in 13 short months.

  27. this weekly feature is definitively my favorite thing on the internet. the only bad part is that it frequently makes me LOL only to find that I cannot possibly explain my laughter to my bewildered housemates.

    Parade Magazine: “Thank you, we have already counted your vote.”

  28. My favorite suggestion from the comments: Thorsten Kaye from All My Children
    I don’t even know who that is. But, sure, why the hell not?
    39%

  29. “This Poll is No Longer Active”

  30. Looks like I got the internet back just in time!

  31. From the comments:

    “Boston Rob from Survivor and Survivor all stars should play Clark Gable…. Please revise your pole to reflect this choice.”

    Uh oh, I hope Parade doesn’t reset the poll with this obvious new inclusion and negate all our hard work.

  32. 44% …and it’s a TIE!

  33. Is there some parallel-Internet Videogum that does a weekly “Who’s Snubbing Tom Selleck” post? Because there is a suspiciously large group of commenters at Parade calling for Selleck to star in this make-believe biopic.

  34. My fingers are stained with blood from the roughly 800 tophillion times I have cast my vote for this man. Someone better go ahead and fake greenlight this fake project while I’m at the real doctor having celebratory finger surgery.

  35. First!

    Topher that is.
    45%
    Clooney
    44%

  36. Topher is now 46% to Clooney’s 42%!

  37. Goddammit, I come back to Videogum to make sure that I’m still a monster, and here I sit, voting on some cat lady’s hypothetical poll. God, this feels good.

    • better in here with our cats and sunday paper insert magazines than out there with all the swine flus and predators i hear so much about on talk radio.

  38. Man, the polls are heating up. It’s like commentating on a horse race.

    Go Seabiscuit! 47%.

  39. Suck it, Clive Owen!

  40. 48%! I feel dirty

  41. This is the most fun I’ve had voting in ever. And he is winning. Gabe is basically Oprah to T-Boz’ Obama.

  42. 50% for Topher!

  43. Oh yeah. The resemblance is uncanny.

  44. Oh Jesus. You guys really are monsters.

    And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  45. 51% After so long a silence, I feel that this is the perfect way to become a monster again.

    Videogum: changing the world, one monstrous vote for a former sitcom actor in a newspaper insert magazine hypothetical casting poll at a monstrous time.

  46. Also: my favorite part about this poll is how the facing page in Parade probably had an order form for a light-up crystal dolphin with a Bible quote on it.

  47. Freaking 53% baby! (and kicked Clooney’s 37% ass!)

  48. Wow 54! Our vote can really make a difference. I hope the world doesnt screw it all over for us by giving Topher a Nobel Price

  49. I accidentally voted for Clive Owen, but don’t worry T-Dawg fans, our boy is still winning.

  50. So, tardy to the party and all (T2P) but I just need to point out that sending monsters to Internet polls to skew them for the sake of LOL’s is just another step closer for VG becoming 4chan for college graduates.

  51. Not only did we put Topher G over the top, we probably also had enough site visits to save the Goon Docks of Parade Magazine with increased ad revenues! (I have no idea if that’s how this internet thing works. That’s how this internet thing works, right?)

  52. 57%. Topher Grace, have your agent thank us.

  53. I have wide-set eyes and charisma to spare.
    -My new Craigslist ad

  54. 58%, Clooney has sunk down to 33%. I’m just really glad we are all in good company and that Topher is the Forman in the factory of dreams that is this site. There are no predators here, just young americans, and I’d bet there is also also plenty of traffic from overseas, or you can call me pinocchio.
    P.S. I think this Valentine’s day I will try to win a date with *gunshot*

  55. Our man Topher is tearing shit UP on the poll!
    Let’s all give ourselves a hardy pat on the back. Well done, Monsters.

  56. I think MSNBC just called all electoral votes for Topher Grace on this one. Still waiting on CNN…

  57. i can’t seem to push it up above 59%, but that’s an insane change. apparently the videogum readers are the next colbert nation.

  58. 60% !!! It’s a supermajority! Filibuster that Clooney!

  59. “this is not an ed hardy advertisement, it is an advertisement about ed hardy”
    buy an ad, you non-contributing nothing. you zero.

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