The above image (via GetThaL@@k) is a vampire sex toy into which you are supposed to put your penis (I think? I have no idea, mom, I’m just kidding.) It is also the headstone on the grave of the vampire trend, because seriously, we need to put a proverbial wooden stake through that thing’s hypothetical heart and bury it outside of town. The Robert Pattinson sparkle-dildo was already going too far, but I guess the Twilight moms have to do something to keep themselves occupied. But this? What is this? The Twilight dads got jealous? Vampire pocket bjs. Ice cold dildos fashioned after teenage heartthrobs. Adults reading books for children. Photoshopped werewolves. Ugh, you know that’s next, right? A rubber-injected facsimile of Taylor Lautner’s 17-year-old mouth (sorry) that you can keep in the pocket of your PRISON JUMPER. A dog-scented dildo covered in fur. That’s where we are going.

2012 cannot get here soon enough. WASH ME TO HEAVEN, PROPHETIC TYPHOON!

Comments (64)
  1. Why would anyone want fangs anywhere near their penis?

  2. Did it get chilly in here or is it just me?

  3. Is there really a market out there for men who want to facefuck vampires?! The spectrum of human sexuality is so interesting!

    • Hah, this really is for the man who enjoys himself a pocket bj, but is also attracted to the vampire whimsy of our pop culture.

      oh man… prison jumper, indeed.

    • I know your vampire facefuck question is rhetorical, kiss the pan, because of course there’s a market and we all know it. But in addition to this knowledge I would like to add that there is something out there in the world called a boytaur, which there is also a market for. It’s probably growing too.
      I won’t provide a link, as I dare not google it again, but I would like to encourage everyone else to take a look so they too can expand their knowledge of the spectrum of human sexuality.

  4. You may not see it, but I just threw my hands up in the air.

  5. I have never given a blowjob, but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to go teeth first.

  6. [I]Finally[/i] Tom Cruise can relive his experience from Interview with a Vampire.

  7. Do these people know nothing?! Too much teeth is the worst thing that can happen during fellatio.

    • I was just thinking the same thing!

    • Im not gonna lie, still a little creeped out you went and found all my info on myspace…

      • To be fair, the way you explained your name made me think it was some cultural thing that I didn’t know about, so I googled it and found that myspace thing. Didn’t know it was actually you! And now I know it is actually you. Time-space continuum is broken. Shudders all round.

  8. This trend sucks.

  9. We may only be able to see the mouth, but that vampire still looks pretty shocked about the whole thing.

  10. Vampire sex in a can: now with more glitter?

  11. More like Intercourse with a Vampire, right?

    [highfive]

    Seriously, though, this is ridiculous.

  12. Hopefully the vampire fad dies out quickly so I can pick up a cheap fleshlight from the bargain bin. I had been waiting for the WoW-fleshlight to drop in price but that doesn`t appear to be happening anytime soon.

  13. Needs a Bad Idea Sex Toys tag.

  14. I think I need to look at the twilight ice cream cake post about 50 more times to wipe my mind of this.

  15. Just wanna see Thirst, then it can totally end…

  16. Your friends finding a pocket vagina in your room would be embarrassing.
    Your friends finding this in your room would be a social faux par slightly below actually asking your girlfriend to put in vampire teeth before she gets down.

    • Slightly below? I mean, at least if you ask your girlfriend it’s still an actual person and you can just write it off as a crazy fetish. With this you have no excuse, you paid money that you earned so that you can stick your penis in a piece of rubber shaped to look like a vampire’s mouth.

      That was the most awful sentence I’ve ever typed.

      • I bet the rubber teeth are all flaccid and weird feeling as well. So even if you want a toothy vampire imaginary blowjob, this won’t do the trick. This is a product marketed to absolutely no-one.
        Care to one up me on sentences I wish I hadn’t typed again, or shall we call off the game because of tears?

        • Part of me wants to win this impromptu contest because everyone wants to be the best at something, but the rest of me hates throwing up and depression, so I shall respectfully withdraw.

  17. Haven’t you heard Gabe, 2012 is not going to happen! You’re going to have to wait till 2208 before the earth will swallow you up.

  18. would someone please cleverly work in the term “vagina dentada” around here somewhere. These terms weren’t invented for nothin!

  19. Oh how handy! Just screw the lid back on the pocket bj contraption, and it looks like a canister of shaving cream. Occult shaving cream.

  20. Gabe, you are really into Taylor Lautner.

    Speaking as someone who is…kind of…into Taylor Lautner…

  21. This comment’s not getting enough love. Thank you for the slightly unsettling double entendre!

  22. woozefa  |   Posted on Oct 27th, 2009 +3

    “supposed” to put your penis? i mean…uh…hahaha…

  23. I wonder where the average vampire-phile falls on the Kinsey scale

  24. I can’t be the only one wondering if somewhere in the comments above is a liar who is currently trying to find their credit card.

  25. You guys, this is called Succu Dry. UGH.

  26. Mom. Dad. I know you were starting to loose hope that i’d ever find that girl/boy/hole in an inanimate object of my dreams. As did i…well. I’d like you to meet…

  27. I am so fucking speechless right now. You mean I have to throw away my original fleshlight to get one of these?* Why don’t they have an attachable upgrade or something? You know, like those plastic vampire teeth you put over your regular teeth for Halloween? OUTRAGE. EVAN RACHEL WOOD VAMPIRE BJ FANTASY YOU ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT.**

    *This needs a sarcasm disclaimer for obvious reasons.
    **So does this.

  28. I am intrigued that the BJ-er in a can got prominant image, but the Sparkle dildo got a NSFW link.
    This is SFW? Is your company hiring?

  29. Is anyone else surprised that this doesn’t have a “Twilight” sticker or logo on it? Those “Twilight” people have no decency in what they will try to sell.

  30. Where’s the video?

  31. AND WHEN DID VLAD AGREE TO THIS LONG TERM CONTRACT!

  32. I, for one, think that all disembodied mouths should look like something out of a Francis Bacon painting. Synthetic human bjs are so vanilla.

  33. The worst part about my sex life is cleaning out my vampire tube afterwards.

  34. Are you sure its not just a Push-up Pop? Sherbert flavored?

  35. New Vagina Dentata – in a can.

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