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Sorry, ladies. Your strangle-hold (get it?) on the exercise by jacking off ghost dicks industry has finally ended. WHERE MY FELLAS AT?!

Looking good, dudes! Could you aim the Shake Weight for Men a little more towards your mouth? A little more? A little more? Perfect.

Here’s a fun game to play, guess which of these quotes is a testimonial to the Shake Weight for Men, and which is someone describing their first homosexual experience:

  • a) “15 seconds into it you’re already going, OK, this is for real.”
  • b) “I just blew a guy in the bathroom.”
  • c) “Like 30-45 seconds I was already covered in sweat and completely pumped.”
  • d) “30 seconds going like this and I’m like, ‘this is not easy.’”
  • e) “I just blew two guys in the bathroom.”
  • f) “It’s an all-over workout, with your breathing, and your arms pumping. It’s awesome.”
  • g) “I haven’t had a pump like this for a long time.”

Answer Key: a) homosexual experience, b) homosexual experience, c) homosexual experience, d) homosexual experience, e) homosexual experience, f) Shake Weight for Men, g) homosexual experience

If you got any of those right, then you know that the Shake Weight is ridiculous.

But wait, there’s more:

“I use my Shake Weight for Men in case there are no gay people here. To jerk off. With my lady hands.”
–Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise, everybody. Total Shake Weight for Men Head. (Thanks for the tip, Whitney.)

Comments (71)
  1. My goodness that is a very suggestive way to exercise.

  2. I’ll just jack off instead. Thanks though!

  3. I do hate how big and bulky the equipment at the gym is. Wait, the idea of the gym is to steal all the equipment and get it home by yourself, right?

  4. I was going to make a Tom Cruise joke, but A) Gabe already got one in there, and B) I don’t really want to contribute to its quick-approaching death.

    Aw, what the hell. “I heard Tom Cruise just ordered 37 of these.”

  5. At the 1:20 mark. “Circle weight with your friends!” because of gay

  6. Everyone’s first experience with the Sake Weight is very personal.

  7. ‘A)’ could also apply (probably) to just about anyone’s first sexual experience regardless of who or what it was with.

  8. Uh…Shake Weight, not “sake.”

  9. Too bad they didn’t have the slow motion like in the shake weight commercial.
    And also, what’s the difference between the sake weight for men and the shake weight for women?

  10. I heard the new shake weights have a timer that squirts you in the face when the work out is over. You know. To cool you down.

  11. “Just a normal heterosexual male workout. Nothing to see here. Nope. Just grasping a thick, hard, phallic object and jiggling it back and forth between my hands like a quaking male member. Oh look, I can do it over my shoulders and behind my back, too. Not advertising my acrobatic, athletic homosexual handjob skills or anything. Working out completely normally here, watching a buff shirtless sweaty Australian man talk about my favorite jackoff product. Workout product, I meant. Heterosexual workout product. God, I love gay sex.” – average Shake Weight for Men user

    • “Officer, I swear, I was just trying to get a work-out in here at the airport before my flight, and you see, I naturally didn’t want to work out in the boarding area so I come in here to this bathroom stall, and of course, wouldn’t you know it but I left my ShakeWeight at home so I was all set to leave when this gentleman generously offered to let me use his penis instead and… I’m going to jail aren’t I?”

  12. the last 10 seconds has some pretty nice scratching on the music track, DJ Shake Weight in the house

  13. “You’ll feel the burn instantly” ..on yo dick

  14. If this was $29.99, I would so not buy it, but since it is $29.95, I can use my savings of four cents on a turkey dinner because it’s 1932.

    • “When I was a youngun we didn’t have your fancy Shaker Weights to get muscled. We had to rely on good old fashioned hard work and raucous homosexual activity to get our bodies fit”
      “Please stop talking, Grandad”

  15. “Really? REALLY!? No one. Not one person is going to raise their hands with me? No one else thinks the Shake Weight Workout looks a little gay? …I fucking quit.” – Shake Weight Board Member…haha…member.

  16. “Really? REALLY!? No one. Not one person is going to raise their hands with me? No one else thinks the Shake Weight Workout looks a little gay? …I fucking quit.” – Shake Weight Board Member…haha…member.

  17. WELL Hallelujah!. Now I can finally simulate the heart-healthy, life-prolonging benefits of jerking it long after my penis is rugburn-red and screaming for a rest! Thanks, Shake Weight!

    And clean-up is a snap!

  18. If this commercial is telling the truth, then I should already be massive.

  19. I’m waiting for their product designed to tone your jaw muscles.

  20. Blond guy at 2:35: “Like, 30, 40 seconds and I was already covered in…” Wait for it: “… sweat.”

  21. “Targets your biceps…” I heard bisexual.

  22. Gabe, Which one of Jeff Dunham’s homophobic puppets inspired you to write this post?

  23. best quotes:

    Bronze: “15 seconds into it you’re going ‘ok, this is for real”
    Silver: “I haven’t had a pump like this in a long time”
    Gold: “in like 30-45 seconds and I was already covered in sweat(?), completely pumped.”
    whoa.

  24. its not so much that the puppets are afraid of gays, its more that they hate gays.

  25. The Ellen Degeneres Show sooooo beat you dudes to this like two weeks ago. Boo hiss, internet.com!

    • WHERE IS MY 30 MILLION DOLLAR DIRECT TRANSFER TO MY BANK ACCOUNT, SMUG AFRICAN ROYALTY GUY?

    • Lesson: we should all be watching the Ellen Degeneres show constantly (no we shouldn’t).

    • MULTIPLE KINDNESSES SIR,
      AS THE CROWN PRINCE OF CHICAGO. I WISH TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR GENEROSITY IN ISSUING THIS CASHIERS CHECK IN THE SUM OF 1.6 MILLION BRITISH POUNDS. UNFORTUNATELY MY BANK HAS SOME CONCERNS REGARDING THE VERACITY OF YOUR ACCOUNT INFORMATION, PARTICULARLY AS THE EMBASSY IN KENYA HAS NOT HEARD OF YOU AS MINISTER OF FINANCE NOR KING. PLEASE REFERENCE A NEW ACCOUNT FOR THE TRANSFER OF FUNDS TO BE COMPLETE IN THIS MATTER OF MY DECEASED UNCLE. OR SEND CASH ASAP. YOU MAY USE SOME OF THE MONEY TO BUY A TICKET TO BRING ME THE CASH. AND A TICKET BACK. AND MAYBE SOME FOOD. THANK YOU

  26. For an instant there I thought you guys were talkin about shake weight, the sequel to pineapple express.
    “They thought they were getting 10 pounds of the flyest Pineapple Express batch yet… Until … They saw the bags” – Pineapple Express II: SHAKE WEIGHT
    Now they’re stuck with the ends.

  27. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  28. There is nothing suggestive about a rapid, powerful thrust. That is something which is honest.

  29. OH MAN I had the most :( weekend EVER that followed a terrible no-computer week, which meant no Videogum and no daily :) and then Monday afternoon brings this beautiful gem? Lots Of Love, all the upvotes, positivemonstersmemesgum 4 ever.

  30. Is it a coincidence that this post coincides with this hot dame on the side of the screen? Talk about cross promotion!

  31. “I haven’t had a pump like this for a long time.” –Aussie ShakeWeight-er’s tombstone

  32. Thanks for the boner, Videogum.

  33. roflcopter at 50 seconds

  34. My favourite quote: “The rapid, short and powerful thrust of the shake weight ignites muscle activity in your entire upper body.”

    Yikes. That’s one scary blowjob, I mean “exercise routine.” ;)

  35. I’m going to shake your weight until you love me, fellow exerciser.

  36. I know I’m missing something here… Jeff Dunham is ‘hateful’ but this is somehow not?

  37. Sweaty, shirtless guys, making that motion, Tom Cruise must be behind this.

  38. As if working out wasn’t gay enough.

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