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Aww, poor Tom Cruise! He is really getting hammered in the press this week. Well, he is getting hammered in the on-line interviews with far lesser known people who worked with him a million years ago…press. But still! The “man” can’t catch a break. First there was a very compelling interview with Bronson Pinchot in the Onion, which you should read in its entirety because it’s great, in which he describes a young Tom Cruise’s on-set hate crimes:

Bronson Pinchot: We didn’t know [Risky Business] was going to be a big hit. We thought Tom [Cruise] was the biggest bore on the face of the Earth. He had spent some formative time with Sean Penn–we were all very young at the time, Tom was 20, I was 23. Tom had picked up this knack of calling everyone by their character names, because that would probably make your performance better, and I don’t agree with that. I think that acting is acting, and the rest of the time, you should be you, but he called us all by our character names. He was tense and made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments, like, “You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?” I mean, his lingo was larded with the most… There was no basis for it. It was like, “It’s a nice day, I’m glad there are no gay people standing here.” Very, very strange.

Haha. You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there? Tom Cruise sounds like he was supergood at homophobia. Just constantly cutting straight to the heart of the issue. Everyone was always nervous that he was going to bring their own sexuality-slash-love-of-ice-cream into question. Also: what an asshole! He was so young back then. Just a tiny, baby asshole, getting ready to spread his asshole wings.

And now there is an interview in BlackBook with Mary Harron, the director of American Psycho, in which she describes how Tom Cruise was the model for Patrick Bateman:

Blackbook: How did you and Christian Bale develop his character in American Psycho?
Mary Harron: It was definitely a process. We talked a lot, but he was in L.A. and I was in New York. We didn’t actually meet in person a lot, just talked on the phone. We talked about how Martian-like Patrick Bateman was, how he was looking at the world like somebody from another planet, watching what people did and trying to work out the right way to behave. And then one day he called me and he had been watching Tom Cruise on David Letterman, and he just had this very intense friendliness with nothing behind the eyes, and he was really taken with this energy.

‘We were trying to figure out how a sociopathic space alien murderer might behave, and, you know, Tom [Cruise] was just a perfect example of that.” Agreed!

We should keep the pressure on this guy! TURN IT UP! I really think he is a horrible “person”! I do not know him personally, so I suppose that is unfair to say. But a lot of things in this life are unfair. GET HIM! I figure a couple more weeks of constant interviews with third-market entertainers about Tom Cruise’s being both a nightmarish hate-monger and an emotionally detached psychopath and “he” might develop resistance fissures in his humanoid casing and finally reveal his true face to the world.

Show me the money if there aren’t any gay people here!
Comments (76)
  1. I’m not convinced his role in Tropic Thunder was actually a “performance” but the stage direction “jump around and act like yourself for a change”.

  2. Dear Gabe,

    I really like how you hate people that I hate. Keep up the good work!

    KTHXBAI

  3. “I want the truth!”
    “You can’t handle the truth because it involves gay people!”

  4. Bronson Pinchot sounds like he was insinuating that Tom Cruise was trying to pick him up over ice cream. That’s malarky, he’s as straight as John Travolta damnit! Don’t ruin my dreams!

  5. TN  |   Posted on Oct 21st, 2009 +5

    Brando could pull that line off…

  6. seth  |   Posted on Oct 21st, 2009 +20

    “RESPECT THE COCK…. unless you’re gay.” -Tom Cruise

  7. I feel the need for speed, to speed away from these gay people!

  8. You complete me. Because you’re not gay.

  9. I’m going to spread your asshole wings until you love me, in case there are no faggots around.

  10. I would prefer ice cream if there were gay people there, actually.

  11. “Sorry, I’ve got to return some videotapes. Unless they are gay videotapes. I’ll keep those.”

  12. “That’s more than a dress. That’s an Audrey Hepburn movie… Thank goodness it’s not a gay porno.”

  13. We didn’t quit! You quit! Because you enjoy intercourse with other men!

  14. In Tom Cruise’s defense: if I saw Bronson Pinchot today, I’m pretty certain I’d call him Balkie Bartakomus (sp?) Exclusively.

  15. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  16. double dog challenge Gabe: go to a gay bar wearing a tshirt with tom cruise’s face on it (take your pick, they are all perfect in their own way) and a caption that says SHOW ME THE MONEY IF THERE ARENT ANY GAY PEOPLE HERE.

  17. Jerry Maguire: I love you. You… you complete me. And I just…
    Dorothy: Shut up, just shut up. You had me at “homo”.

  18. I’m sad I can’t come up with a great ice-cream-gay-slur-Tom-Cruise-quote-combo at the moment, but I feel my Bronson Pinchot-based avatar just won’t allow me to pass this by without some kind of comment. :)

  19. “Sometimes you just gotta say, ‘What the fuck, make your move, away from these gay people.’”

  20. I’m going to give you the choice… I never had. The choice to not be gay. I fully recommend that option.

  21. “It’s time to buzz the tower…no homo!”

  22. “I have a secret plan to kill Hitler… if he’s not gay.”

    • Ok wait a tick. Some of these are not following the lines of homophobia. Wouldn’t it be more like, “I have a secret plan to kill Hitler…as long as he’s gay”? I’m just trying to be fair to Tom’s true sentiments. Plus, Hitler WAS gay.

  23. Truism: Even all the money in the world can’t make you straight.

  24. “I have to go get a pre-cog to future-prove that I didn’t futue-kill anyone, unless a bunch of gay people are around.”

  25. Tom Cruise: Ray did you fart?
    Dustin Hoffman: Yeaah.
    Tom Cruise: At least there are no gay people in this telephone booth.
    Dustin Hoffman: Yeaah.

  26. The Onion interview is definitely worth reading. He also calls out Eddie Murphy, and basically calls Denzel Washington the Worst Human on Earth.

  27. Stop me if you’ve heard this one. – Tom Cruise walks into a bar. A straight bar of course. Gay people disgust him in every way imaginable.

  28. “If someone’s in a car wreck, we’re the only ones who can do something about it, if there are no gay people around.”

  29. “The second password is, ‘there are no gay people at this freakish masked orgy’.”

  30. His favorite ice cream is pralines and dick?

  31. TheFairview  |   Posted on Oct 21st, 2009 +10

    Interesting with the American Psycho inspiration – correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Tom Cruise in the book? I think he lived in Bateman’s apartment building.

  32. Table  |   Posted on Oct 21st, 2009 +5

    Don’t quote me here, but I think it was Albert Camus who said (something like) “The pure products of America go insane.” He was talking about Marilyn Monroe at the time, but it applies to Tom Cruise as well.

  33. I don’t think the homophobic remarks come from Tom Cruise’s hatred of gay people. I think it comes from hatred of himself, a [closeted, very closeted] gay person.
    -Napoleon Complex, Editor of Duh Aficionado Magazine.

  34. tom  |   Posted on Oct 21st, 2009 +3

    In light of all this, Gabe really should fast-track Cocktail into the Worst Movie of All Time hunt.

  35. Guys, guys…what would da cake eatur say if he were still among us? You know he’d participate. “Ah feel da neeed…four GEY SPEEEEEEEEED”

  36. I like to imagine that, between takes on “Meego”, Bronson Pinchot and Jonathan Lipnicki just sat around trading Tom Cruise horror stories. “I was, like, ‘Did you know a human head weighs eight pounds?’ And he was all, ‘Not if it’s a gay head, hahahahahaha!’ And I was like, ‘Dude, I’m six’.”

  37. “Being a scientologist, when you drive by an accident, it’s not like anyone else. As you drive past you know you have to do something about it because you know you’re the only one that can really help. Otherwise it’ll just be a bunch of gay people trying to get into the wreck so they can have sex in the ass with the injured”

  38. Gonna need to see that Letterman interview. Go go Gadget internet!

  39. Iceman: You can be my wingman any time.
    Maverick: Bullshit. You can be mine. In case there aren’t any gay people there.

  40. (Christian Bale + Tom Cruise)^Woof = Patrick Bateman

  41. “You’re a fucking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death, and then play around with your blood.
    As long as there’s no gay people there.”

  42. You know that’s a very fine Chardonnay you’re not drinking… Unless it’s because you’re gay, in which case no Chardonnay for you!

  43. Mission: Impossible (because you’re gay)

  44. The guy should just come out already. We know…he has to.

  45. Has anyone else heard that totally believable rumor about how Tom Cruise is can only shoot blanks from his weiner and Suri was actually conceived with frozen L. Ron Hubbard sperm? Has anyone else heard of this theory?

  46. langford  |   Posted on Oct 22nd, 2009 +6

    There’s a post on ONTD that has this gem in it about a “secret” Scientology meeting:

    Later, during a reception, Cruise was overheard chatting with another American man about the protesters outside the venue. “They’re squirrels,” Cruise said angrily, according to a witness. “Stuck in an electronic incident. It makes me so angry!”

    We’re squirrels, you guys.

  47. I don’t see why yall are bashing on this guy just because he can’t form blood clots if he starts bleeding

  48. I’m predicting that all of the top voted comments of the week will involve a Tom Cruise gay quote. Best week ever?

  49. Sebastian Paper  |   Posted on Oct 22nd, 2009 +7

    If only he had known about “No Homo,” he could have saved so much time.

  50. “This is what I call a gays-eating-ice-cream free enviornment.” – Tom Cruise, Top Gun

  51. I have been LOLing over “It’s a nice day, I’m glad there are no gay people standing here.” for fucking DAYS. It doesn’t come off well when I say it aloud, though. Weird.

  52. Whoah. I think THIS JUST SCORED a 12 on THE WHATTHEFUCKOMETER! Seriously CAN WE get rid OF THIS, Gabe?

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