Oh, good. Now you, too, can be a melty-faced mentally disabled transvestite swamp monster with a wildly distorted self-image! Boo*!

To be fair, that is terrifying. I’m usually supportive of people who are willing to play along with a joke that makes fun of their public image. It suggests that they don’t take themselves too seriously, and that they have a sense of humor about the construct of fame and the stark difference between a persona and a real person. But I do NOT support THIS! Even when she’s making fun of herself, Kim is the worst. What a terrible person. I’m not saying that I wish anything bad to happen to her, because I don’t wish bad things to happen to anyone. I’m just saying that if I was the type of person who did wish bad things to happen to people, she might make the list! Let there be no confusion: there is no list. Kim is not on a list of people to whom bad things should happen. I hope that she leads a long and fulfilled life in a mansion made out of white wine and negligent parenting. It’s just that if there was a list, which there isn’t, there’s a pretty decent chance she would be on the list, but she’s not.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! ALMOST! (Thanks for the tip, Sydney.)

*Here, the term “boo!” is being used as both the sound that a ghost makes and the sound of sharp disapproval.

Comments (21)
  1. With a face like Kim Zolciak’s, every day is Halloween.

  2. Have you ever seen The Dish? It’s like the Bizarro Soup. I’m all for supporting Topanga in all her endeavors, and good luck not being Topanga or whatever, but it doesn’t get any funnier or less painful than this, and this is ZERO FUNNY and EXTREMELY PAINFUL.

  3. Kim Zolciak: So Worst she uses her hands to drink from a hands-free chardonnay glass

  4. Excuse me, I have to murder myself (suicide).

  5. she CLEARLY had to use BOTH hands to drink from the so called ‘hands free’ chardonnay glass.

  6. Topanga, this is what you’ve been reduced to?!

  7. One of these days, Gabe is going to create a black hole while trying to talk himself out of owning his many normal human emotional responses to things.

  8. It makes sense that there would be a Kim Zolciak Halloween costume in that she is not a human. And also because she, just being herself, is very frightening.

  9. I only made it 1/2 through the commercial – how do they propose giving the slackface look? Is it direct face injection horse tranquilizers?

  10. Normally I feel “weird” or “uncool” that I don’t know who someone is on this site.

    Not today.

  11. I dunno bout y’all, but I’m holding out for the Sheree (She by Sheree?) costume…comes with “innate creativity” and “extreme knowledge of the fashion business”. And oh yeah, a crazy ass wig.

  12. Oh shit. I have never ever seen any of the Real Housewife shows, and just read the hilarious recaps on this site. Therefore, I was COMPLETELY UNPREPARED for the reality of her face and the fact that it doesn’t work properly.

    I mean, I know Gabe said that it was melting, but WOW. It had to be seen to be believed. She had a stroke, right? Or a botox accident? Or was put in the microwave?

  13. I don’t know how to feel about this. My world has been turned upside down! Kim has a sense of humor? About herself?! Who crossed the streams? DONT CROSS THE STREAMS!!

  14. I just realized that Kim Zolciak looks likes Paris Hilton in 20 years with an ugly weave.

  15. They forgot to add the wax you need to melt all over your face to the kit. It really is the perfect finishing touch.

  16. It took me a long time to figure out that it was actually Kim and not a person wearing a rubber Halloween mask that had been left on a stove.

  17. Danielle Fishel is the real problem here. Everytime I’ve managed to ugh my way through “The Dish” I always feel like I need to punch some perky, annoying skank’s lights out.


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