This show does not even make sense anymore. It can’t keep its false allegiances straight. The first thing that happened last night is Sheree met up with Kim to plan Kandi’s engagement party? Huh? The last time Kim and Sheree were in a room, they wanted to kill each other (supposedly). Are you telling me that was all just for the benefit of the cameras? I guess maybe Sheree and Kim made up at the Knights of Columbus basement birthday party for Kim and Kandi a couple of weeks ago? I kind of remember Sheree telling Kim how much she loved the hit single, “Tardy For the Party.” But seriously, this show, get it together. Either these women are make believe friends, or these women are make believe enemies, but I need to have some kind of logical throughline to follow so that i can make sense of who’s who and what’s what. Although, I suppose, Kim and Sheree are both man-headed nightmare beasts, so it makes sense that they would sometimes fight (for control of the swamp) and sometimes be friends (because monster recognize monster). Waiter, more white wine! So much more white wine! All of it, please!
On the one hand, the engagement party for Kandi is kind of , because we all know the dramatic irony (I’m sure I’m using that term correctly, and that it is respectful and not at all gross and sad in this context) of how her fiance is going to die in a barroom brawl a few months later. On the other hand, you kind of have to give it up for Bravo to just run the series as it was originally planned, and not to get all Megan Wants A Millionaire on us. Obviously, there are some differences. For one thing, no one was creepily murdered and stuffed in a suitcase before the murderer fled the country and committed suicide in a motel room. That changes things. But at the same time, the issues and problems that reality TV raises in terms of dredging up mentally unstable people for the purposes of titillation and voyeuristic excitement remain the same no matter what, even if you pretend like the show that featured a murderer never happened. You see what I’m saying? We can’t just sweep this all under the rug, as much as we might like to sweep Kim and Sheree under the rug. This is not real life, but it is a simulacrum of some producer’s idea of real life, and so it must carry on. R.I.P. Kandi’s fiance, though, for real. You are in heaven now, being invasively filmed by a camera crew of angels.
So Kim gets a new wig for the occasion. It looks an awful lot like the old wig. Which is to say: terrible.
We also get some pretty horrifying shots of Kim’s interior design aesthetic. Like her carpeting?
Oooh, nice gaudy cross!
Kim is literally white garbage. Not white trash. White garbage. And this fucking photograph?
Yiiiiiikes. Kim is so confused constantly about what she looks like to the world. Like, after she gets her new wig on she keeps screaming “I can’t beleive how fucking good I look.” Really? Because I can believe it. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre came out 35 years ago. We have had the capacity to make believable human flesh masks that fit poorly to the skull for years. Kim Zolciak puts the lotion in the basket.
Then there is the engagement party, which I guess is a party? It consists of the Real Housewives, minus Nene, plus Kandi’s mom. WHAT A PARTY! It was probably really intense for Kim and Sheree to get all the planning done for this Tuesday evening meeting at a bar for six people, but it all paid off in the end. I’m sure that is the funnest party. “There was one camera assistant for each person partying. It was wild.”
Meanwhile, Sheree is still pretending like her clothing line is a real thing. She got all of the clothes fitted to her size (6) because she is “the perfect model.” Sure. Sheree is the perfect model if what is being modeled is UnderArmour HeatTech Ultimate Performance Gear. My point is that Sheree is a man, and she will meet you on a field of battle, and her vagina will eat you. Because it has teeth. But is also a dick? I don’t know anymore. But first there is the scene where she tries on all of the clothes for her “friend” Tina.
What? Just a couple of girls trying on clothes and then spending hours giving each other oral satisfaction. You know, buddies! Who fuck each other. Not lesbians, though, yuck! Sheree is a divorced woman who looks like a dude, how dare you! My favorite part of the fashion show storyline is when Sheree says “I’m way ahead of where I was a year ago.” Uh, OK? You are way ahead from when you had a party to announce that you were going to have a fashion line someday? Sure. You now have six dresses that a Chinese woman in New York sewed for you, and Dwight is coming over. Very very ahead.
Also: Nene meets her biological father. I don’t really care who gave birth to Nene. As far as I am concerned, she just magically appeared in the hut next to the swamp one morning, and all the creatures of the forest knew: “that is where Shrek lives, stay out!”
Next Week: Season finale. More like season FINALLY! (That almost worked.)