Oh boy. What is this buffoon even talking about anymore?! Remember when America pretended that AIDS didn’t exist as we found ourselves mired in the Iran-Contra Affair? That Coke commercial aired during the 1980 Super Bowl. Is he seriously arguing that America was a better place in 1980? Well, he might as well, because that is going to be like nothing compared to his completely incomprehensible FAN FICTION about going to a high school house party. “They promised me they would get me home to my mommy, but now I smell like pot even though I didn’t do anything wrong.” Classic party talk. To be fair to Glenn Beck, even though I do not understand his metaphor, since it seems to suggest that everyone was having a blast during the economic boom of the housing bubble when in reality the economic stratification of the population got way worse, and the people currently suffering the most are those who were lured in by predatory lending practices devised by billionaires, I do believe that that is what he thinks a party is. A place you’re begrudgingly invited by people who don’t like you, where promises are broken because no one wants to take the crybaby home at 10:30.

“I have been to three parties!”
–Glenn Beck, adult.

(From the HuffingtonPost, via Scott Jacobson.)

Comments (67)
  1. toto  |   Posted on Oct 16th, 2009 +6

    Every time I see his segments, I can almost hear the shotguns cocked and loaded by his listeners.

  2. To be fair to Glenn Beck, he’s only crying because Richard Heene told him to do it for a show.

  3. Glenn Beck noticed the Coke ads on Videogum are gone today? They slow my computer down so much! He should be happy, that asshole.

  4. This is a man who should never be exposed to TV Land.

  5. I would like to quote Charlie Brooker if I may…

    “Beck – who has the sort of rubbery, chucklesome face that should ideally be either a) cast as the goonish sidekick in a bad frat house sex comedy or b) painted on a toilet bowl so you could shit directly on to it – has become famous for crying live on air, indulging in paranoid conspiracy theorising, and labelling Obama a “racist” with “a deep-seated hatred for white people or white culture”.”

  6. Also, this is deeply disturbing that Glenn Beck is using commercials — necessarily abstractions and really falsifications of reality — as examples of America’s good old days. TV represents America now? Advertising is a copy of a copy of something romanticized and barely based in reality. It doesn’t really represent anything other than the false ideals ad executives exploit to sell us something.
    America never had any good old days where people where “united on some basic things.” Like what? States’ rights and slavery? Civil rights? Women’s suffrage? No? Goddamn you, Glenn Beck, you giant retarded manbaby.

  7. Glenn Beck then got in his limo and thought about every one else and how the needed to economically ground themselves.

  8. Of course this country was a better place in 1980! Ronald Reagan hadn’t been elected yet.

  9. America has never been a perfect place, but she used to have some killer commercials. I mean, really. Freecreditreport.com? What is this shit?

    We used to be united on some things. Like united by the false sentiment of huge transnational conglomerates. BRING BACK THE KODAK KAROUSEL, DON DRAPER. DON’T YOU LOVE AMERICA?

  10. “The party is over!”

    P.S. For more of my photoshop work, you can check out the poster for Takers, coming to a theater near you soon!

  11. Hmm, I have a Glenn Beck story so why not share it here. About a month ago I ate lunch with some people, one of them an ice cream mogul! Anyways this ice cream mogul informed me of two things, one personal the other some real world knowledge. The first was that he loved Glenn Beck. The second was that black people call each other niggers but we’re (incredulously) not allowed to call them that. Not to stereotype all Glenn supporters but remember the good ol’ days?

  12. It must be so embarrassing being Glenn Beck. You spout ridiculous weird stories, cry at the drop of a pin, and admit how nobody ever invited you to parties in high school – on air.

    • Really? I thought he was crying because his dad used to beat him when he disobeyed. I guess it’s open to interpretation. We should start a Glenn Beck book club and discuss over some pecan pie.

  13. Wait, what is Glenn Beck’s message here? We should all smoke more pot or something? Okay!

    • That’s what I got out of it. He’s basically saying if you’re going to get in trouble for smelling like pot and staying out late, you might as well actually smoke the pot, have a coke and smile, and shut the fuck up. Right?

  14. What the hell is with this metaphor? Who are the parents? Are they God? Our kids?

  15. Oh Glenn Beck. I can empathize about crying at commercials. I have been weeping at the Where the Wild Things Are trailer for months, and reminiscing about how things were better back in the 80s, when I was 5, and most of my problems were solvable by hot chocolate and my mom reading me a story, and my biggest responsibility was to be home for dinner and to make sure to wash my hands after playing in the mud.

    So, I guess what I am saying, Glenn Beck, is that I can ask my mom to bring you hot cocoa and Green Eggs and Ham. But she’s a busy lady, so I make no promises.

  16. when exactly was this better time where we were all united? American history is a story of conflict, not unity. He should learn a little something about the country he loves so much it. But I guess facts really aren’t his thing.

    but yeah, I miss those good old days of unity too…. oh…wait…

  17. Are we sure Glenn Beck isn’t a contestant on the obscure Japanese TV Show “Douche Face King”?

  18. Dear Glen Beck,
    When you start crying even for a fly dropping on your desk, you lose impact.
    - me

  19. I remember that time I went to a party i wasn’t supposed to be at… It was made into a feature film called Eyes Wide Shut.

  20. I’d rather go back to the 90′s, when Marky Mark was still making fitness videos

  21. the tears have a certain, overstated, Richard Heene-esque quality to them.

  22. Oh I get it…this is what they had rolling in the background that made Falcon puke. META!

  23. he made something like 35 million dollars last year. everyone just mull that over.

    • You know, I actually appreciate these kinds of notes, because when I hate the emotionally exhausting, time-sucking, low-paying, non-profit work that I call a job, at least I remember why I do it. Because I hate that Glenn Beck made $35 mill last year. It gives me purpose.

  24. 1980 was a good year for me too. I was a fucking baby. My life was sorted. So I look back on the 80s and 90s with a lot of nostalgia too.

    But let’s not be idiots, Glenn Beck. You want to go back to a time when little white boys giving large black men a bottle of coke meant something? Because what you’re remembering is racism.

    Shit be shitty right now. Let’s not cry into the camera about it and use terrible extended metaphors. Let’s act like a fucking democracy and start throwing frisbees as our political leaders. Let’s make a good America right now that doesn’t include racism, sexism, and gayism.

    I’m going to make a commercial where I hand cokes to everybody, and maybe Glenn Beck will be nostalgic for right now!

  25. John Hughes plotline as harebrained political analogy. Nice! “It’s like when your whole family forgot your birthday and then some nerd asked you for your underwear and you found some weird Asian fella in your bedroom…”

  26. We used to be united on some basic things! The truth is, no politician can take you there. COMMERCIALS can take you there. For coke! And kodak!

  27. Of course Glenn Beck wishes we were back in the 80′s. Those were the years he was a miserable alcoholic and out of control coke head. Good times.

  28. pete  |   Posted on Oct 16th, 2009 +3

    Is it just me, or has this been the most embarrassing decade ever?

  29. I trust this metaphor, as I trust Glengarry Glenross faces “honest truths” and “hard realities” (BONERS?) on a daily basis.

    Dad = God. Two pot-smoking friends = France and the UK. The Party = Socialism.

    WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE WHY SO SOCIALIST AMERICA GODDAMIT SOMEBODY GET ME AN EAGLE ALREADY.

  30. Can cable news go away now?

  31. Hey, stop making fun of our boyfriend Gabe! We love him! You don’t hear the things he says to us when we’re alone.

  32. ACE  |   Posted on Oct 16th, 2009 -1

    THE WORDS THAT COME TO MIND WHEN I THINK OF GLENN BECK, RACIST,LOSER,IDIOT, XENAPHOBE, LARD ASS, LOW LIFE AND CRAZY, JUST TO NAME A FEW. I COULD GO ON AND ON AND ON

  33. rkb  |   Posted on Oct 16th, 2009 0

    He sounds like he just admitted to rape.

    • As we are all aware it has been said that he may have raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. You take that unfounded rumor and look at his obviously guilty conscience and you have to ask yourself why he has spent all these intervening years not denying his involvement.
      Makes you wonder…

  34. Maybe this is just his roundabout way of telling us he wants a child to offer, nay, INSIST he drinks his Coke.

  35. He is a terrible terrible actor

  36. Remember when capitalism made you feel good about yourself? What a simpler time.

    What a naive world Glenn Beck must live in.

  37. guys, remember simpler times? when life was like that budweiser commercial? with all the dudes going “WHAZZZZZZUPPPPPPPPPPP” to each other over the phone?
    That was so great. I loved that commercial. AMERICA!

    (i live in canada. what’s going on over there? are you guys all on drugs now?)

    • O Canada, don’t get all smug on us. You’ve already got health care and Celine Dion, can you just stop gloating please? When things get really bad here, we’re going to eat you first. Delicious!

  38. What kind of party do you get invited to when you’re Mormon, unpopular, stupid and unpleasant to be around?

    He’s right though, Coke makes some badass commercials. Remember that one where the Coke bottle falls outta the sky and hits that African on the head? And then he goes on a zany adventure to return the bottle to the gods? And then something something, jeeps in reverse. I forget.

    Now if Beck were talking about that Aflac duck or that Geico cockney, he’d be onto something. Please do not take the duck and the cockney away from me.

  39. concentrator  |   Posted on Oct 18th, 2009 +1

    Yeah I miss the good old days too. Like the times you could rape and murder innocent girls and get away with it.

    Go live in hell with your creator you two faced hypocrite.

  40. Glenn,

    GET OFF MY TV! GET OFF MY TV YOU LITTLE PINHEAD!!!!

    I DON’T CARE?!? YOUUUU PEOPLE DON’T CARE ABOUT THE TRILLIONS…

    GETOFFMYTV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I’m going to lose my MIND today!

  41. This..kinda makes me want to cry. I mean I get really choked up with his whiny voice bitching about…wait, what…what is he talking about? Yes, let’s live in a simpler time without mass individual based communication where we can easily learn about how the US government screws over lots of countries in its quest to stop communism and/or steal oil. Let’s go back to a time where a lot of liberal nut jobs didn’t know about how we overthrew a democratic government in Iran or asked Egypt to send criminals from their prisons to Afghanistan to fight against the USSR. Let’s live in a time where most American didn’t know what their government did to maintain their standard of living.

    Damn it I want my own show. Why does he get a nationally broadcast show? He’s an idiot!

  42. I was really hoping he would elaborate on the “butt kicking”. I feel its pretty obvious, but would probably give some good insight.

  43. Glenn Beck,

    Andy Rooney plays “Do You Remember a Simpler Time?” way better than you. He also doesn’t cry. Nut up!

  44. Helldozer  |   Posted on Oct 21st, 2009 0

    The point of the segment is actually to express the idea that just because America has fallen on difficult times doesn’t mean we should look toward government to dig us out. The “simpler time” he’s referring to, whether it ever existed or not, was one where people took responsibility for their actions, valued hard work, dealt with failure, and exhibited independence. This isn’t really a unique idea; I’m sure everyone has heard their parents or grandparents refer to “the good old days” where kids respected their elders, listened to their parents, and walked 15 miles to school in the snow without uttering a single complaint. The contrast, here, has got to do with the recent trend of government bailouts, and the concepts of “leveling the playing field” and “spreading the wealth around.” In Glenn’s mind, only hard work and dedication will mean success; if one falls on hard times, they should be fiscally responsible to dig themselves out; if a business fails, its owners should analyze the reasons why it was not a success, pick up the pieces and move on. These are controversial ideas, admittedly, but ones that Glenn believes to be true.

    • The part where you went wrong was when you suggested that Glenn Beck actually believes the words that are coming out of his own mouth, as opposed to him being a drive-time FM DJ who says whatever will keep the cheques coming.

  45. conserveu2  |   Posted on Oct 24th, 2009 0

    If you are so upset with Glenn Beck, turn the channel. My God, nobody is forcing you to watch the man, it’s not like cap and tax or Obumblers worthless so-called stimulus bill which was supposed to keep our jobless rate at 8% and of course the health care bill which will be crammed down our throats if the left wing nuts have their way. We don’t need to continue spending money that we don’t have just so that some crazy president who sat in a radical hater church for over 20 years can not only tell us that he didn’t hear a word the reverend was saying or agreed with any of the crap he was pushing, but so that he can build his ego just a little more. Give me a break, he’s already tripled the deficit, lets get some people back to work before you tax the hell out of them. And honestly, does Glenn Beck frighten you that much? He isn’t as crazy as Obummer and his rat pack of Chicago-style politicians in the white house.

  46. i know, tardy to the party, but….

    my husband and i recently started saying “WHAZZZZZZUPPPPPPPPPPP” to each other periodically, and it makes us both laugh really a lot, every time, because it’s so dumb. however, it’s becoming a problem, because i have been using it without thinking, NOT as a joke, but as a knee jerk greeting.

    i just needed to get that off my chest. i’m having a hard time with it.

  47. Remember how in the comics they always say Batman inspired all these supercriminals? For example, there couldn’t be a Joker without Batman. I think the same thing goes with Da Cake Eatur. I don’t know if you are actually the cake eatur or just some sick and perverted concoction inspired by Da Cake Eatur. But I’m just waiting for you to infect everyone in Gotham with your Laughing Gas. Let’s just pray there is someone out there to save us…

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