What’s happenin’, dogs! You down with OPP?

Cool guys. Cooler girls. Let’s rap for a second. I know that no one understands what it’s like. Your parents DEFINITELY don’t understand. Your teachers TOTALLY don’t get it. Even with some of your friends it’s just like, duh, hello, McFly! I’m talking, of course, about bullies. And it’s not like you don’t have plenty of other stuff going on, like hormones and college application essays and experimental bisexuality. Jak and Dexter! The important thing is that you stay in school. And the second most important thing is that you learn how to protect yourself from these bullies! You’re not a chicken, they are turkeys.

After the jump, I’ve got a pretty important video that’s going to show you all the tips you need to know to thwart a BULLYTACK (that’s short for Bully Attack).

It is important to not wear clothing that makes you look like you are in a gang (of nerds?). And instead of punching people, ROUNDHOUSE ELBOW THEM IN THE FACE. It is a fact that this is a great deterrent against both bullies and the Yakuza.

And that’s fresh!

Comments (45)
  1. Someone needs to stop the NBA from scheduling all those basketball games in Baghdad.

  2. Groin-Slapping: The Most Effective Bully Deterrent

  3. really? run away? seriously?

  4. “I’m Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and I was NOT just reading that off a cue card.”

    Also, Bullysmart for Kids? There’s an adult version? Bullysmart After Dark?

  5. “Don’t roll over on your stomach, or the bully will grab your head and bounce it off the sidewalk.” A-MA-ZING POW! Team Jacob!

  6. “Throw candy in his face” is my new approach to life

  7. PS What happened to the hilarious Melrose Place reviews? I’ve resorted to actually tuning into the show and last night Ashlee Pete Simpson-Wentz-Flicka really pulled out all the stops. 4 Red Bulls + Booty Shorts + Camera Phones + Ashlee = TROUBLE!!!

  8. That blond haired bully was actually a pretty accurate depiction of the bullies from my childhood. They all had that haircut. Like, is there a SuperCuts just for bullies, or do you ask for that haircut by name?

  9. If these kids came across a cyber-bully, they’d be so screwed.

  10. Nipple biting works. Not saying I KNOW. Just saying I’VE HEARD!

  11. That’s right, kid. Tell us how to avoid bullies while the kid in the background gets the shit beat out of him and you do nothing to help.

  12. This leads me to believe that, somewhere, there is a Bully Smart: For Adults. I’d like to see that.

  13. watch it there, Bully Smart. ball-slapping is Ashley Shaeffer’s game.

  14. In defense of the nerd, the noise coming out of the bully starting at second 15 would terrify me into submission too.

  15. I, for one, liked to remind bullies that they weren’t tough, but fat, and also that they had divorced parents and were poor. This actually worked.

    • I’m only making fun of mom jeans because I am wearing mom jeans today. And, I’m wearing my hair in a half pony and look like the girl in the video’s long lost twin sister :-X

  16. I like the rolled-up magazine technique he used. I was totally expecting him to slap him with it.

  17. As a bully, i find this offensive

    • Do you know the street value of this tape in the hands of the right Bully Club? Me and my gang have been having conference calls all day about what to do when a nerd fights back. This video has really been causing a lot of inefficient bullying as seen in our 3rd quarter reports. Now that we know their tricks, things are looking up. The economy won’t be a valid excuse for poor bullying anymore!

      • Great! as i fellow bully I’m ultra glad to hear this! Small tip, another way to boost ur bullying productvity is the old “gimme a dollar or ill spit on you!” With this little tip in mind ur gangs 4th quarter reports should be great, and u’ll be busting SQUARES in no time!

    • Aw, poor thing. Here, have some candy… PAH! *runs away*

  18. We should all take a lesson from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and leave fighting where it belongs – on the basketball court.

  19. I can’t believe they advocate biting. That’s just crazy.

  20. Dude, that is Joshua from Troll 2.

    “Yllub? That’s Bully spelled backwards!”

  21. I just wanted to share this with Teen Korner, today in my modern global studies class the teacher tried to make a relation between early 20th century Russia and Twilight, and she got blank stares in return

  22. Dude, it doesn’t matter what a narc ur teach is, u TOTS gotta stay in school

  23. Pretty sure the last place you want to be in war is in a war.

  24. You can always tell who a bully is by the way they don’t tuck in their shirts.

  25. These people realize that after biting and running away from the “bully” they’re just going to run into them every single day for the rest of the school year right?

  26. I’m not saying those defense tactics aren’t defensive because they are. Hard slaps, elbows, and downward hair-pulls at 45 degree angles rule (because the body likes to move around at 90 degree angles! 45 degree angles are trouble!), but I had issue with how easily they made it all look. The bully would let go as soon as they did their little defense maneuver.
    This video is doing a disservice to the bullied children of the world by not showing what happens when you stomp on the bully’s foot, but they hold on to your shirt collar anyway.

    What happens then, I ask?!

  27. The best way to ward off a bully is to threaten to fuck them till they love you, faggot

  28. Was that little kid Danny Pintauro? Because, really, who wouldn’t beat up Jonathan from Who’s the Boss?

  29. Walter Kovacs  |   Posted on Oct 15th, 2009 +2

    From the “talk to the hand” position, all defensive moves are possible …

  30. Thairy's Chocolate Orange  |   Posted on Oct 15th, 2009 -2

    “You have something on your shirt.”

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