Tooth Fairy trailer, you guys:

I know that some things just aren’t made for me, like, I’m clearly not the intended audience. I know that, of course I know that. So it makes sense that, say, the Sex and the City movie tries to appeal to lonely middle-aged midwestern women who have abandoned their dreams and live in a fog of unattainable aspirational fantasies rather than grumpy 60-something male pop culture blog writers. I get it! But sometimes there are things that even though they don’t even attempt to appeal to me, still suggest an available and interested audience that I refuse to believe exists. Take, just for a totally random example that just happens to work conveniently for our purposes, this Tooth Fairy trailer. No one should want this. And if someone does want this, they should be buried in a pine coffin and forced to one-inch punch their way back to the living. Faced with that kind of terrifying mortal threat and test of one’s martial arts training, you definitely reorganize your priorities in life. Am I suggesting burying thousands of children alive unless they recognize that this movie looks like absolute garbage? Yes. Yes, I am. WHEN I WAS A KID WE GOT BURIED ALIVE UPHILL BOTH WAYS!

Comments (38)
  1. I want this. I want this soooooo bad.

  2. Gabe never learned to believe in magic. :(

  3. I’m just gonna sprinkle some amnesia dust (relevance!) and then it’ll be like Stephen Merchant never even in that movie.

  4. I can’t wait for The Santa Clause and Tooth Fairy crossover. Shits gonna be tight!

  5. It does get old Billy Crystal. IT DOES GET OLD.

  6. to be fair, if we give the kids fist irons, they’ll be buried alive,
    but they won’t really be buried alive-buried alive, you know?

  7. I just watched that whole thing. Now I need some amnesia dust.

  8. Stephen Merchant should be doing other, bigger, podcast-er things.

    On the plus side Julie Andrews b/c Julie Andrews is fun.

  9. “WHEN I WAS A KID WE GOT BURIED ALIVE UPHILL BOTH WAYS!”

    When I was a kid we had to write all our homework on a shovel and bury ourselves alive with it too.

  10. So if I give myself a fun nickname at work, I might one day be called upon to BE that person? Sweet.

  11. Relax guys, that wasn’t Stephen Merchant. It couldn’t possibly be.

  12. It’s like, here I am, minding my own business, raising my kids to the best of my ability, telling them the truth because that’s a value I believe in, and suddenly, you kidnap me and make me a tooth fairy slave essentially, and you’re telling me that I might be the worst tooth fairy ever? The gall of that woman. The gall.

  13. What spellbinding wing effects. Let magic take flight.
    Hollywood, you’ve knocked it out of the park yet again.

  14. Sammy  |   Posted on Oct 12th, 2009 +13

    Can Hollywood please refrain from stealing the plots of Kristie Ally Made-for-TV movies?

  15. Is this gonna affect the Tooth Fairy canon?

  16. eric  |   Posted on Oct 12th, 2009 +5

    I really liked the part where he said, “Lower your expectations, kid.” But then it cut away before his next line, “This movie is going to be fucking awful.” Movie Trailers 101. Leave them not wanting more.

  17. Stephen James Merchant, you get out of this movie this instant! What is going on here? I mean take all the filthy hollywood cash you want but surely there were better offers out there than Toothfairy sidekick #2?

  18. You can’t handle the WOOF.

  19. The producers must have gotten high off that amnesia dust, because I have seen this when it was called “Toothless”. Except I bet in this movie The Rock doesn’t go crying in an elevator, thinking he’s going to hell, while a Bonnie Tyler song (“It’s a Heartache” bitchezzz) plays in the backround.

  20. Stephen Merchant just loves The Rock, you guys. If he had to kiss a man, it would be Dwayne Johnson. Or The Boss, but he takes what he can get.

  21. I’m seconding Julie Andrews being a generally classy broad (despite being Disney property but man cut her some slack I guess)

  22. “You are hereby found guilty of killing dreams”

    Is that a thing? Because if that’s a thing, this whole website has a lot of teeth to collect.

  23. Straight-to-Criterion-Collection with this one.

  24. Freakindeakin  |   Posted on Oct 12th, 2009 +1

    Wasn’t this a movie with Kirstie Alley?

  25. This makes me sad in my heart, seeing Ashley Judd in this.

    Also – Derek Thompson / Dwayne Johnson?? I guess they didn’t want to confuse him too much on set when they didn’t refer to him by his real name, so they just altered it slighty?

  26. that trailer made me nostalgic for when I thought that Beverly Hills Chihuahua was going to be the most unwanted movie of all time forever and ever the end.

  27. Know your role,Gabe.

    Fuckin’ shit,I hate Billy Crystal.Can anyone on here call themselves a Billy Crystal fan..and why?

  28. comedy math: stephen merchant + billy crystal x silly wig = 0. (hint: billy crystal + anything always equals zero.)

  29. Gabe! My sippy cup of Amontillado!

  30. Shaz  |   Posted on Oct 12th, 2009 0

    Well, January 22 can’t come fast enough for me!

  31. Stephen Merchant, you, sir, are guilty of TalbainJ-ing too hard.

  32. A lesser known 2012 prophecy predicts a remake of Twins starring Rob Schneider and Dwayne Johnson.

  33. I don’t know why everyone’s hating on Billy Crystals, his work on Celebrity Zillions has been some of his best in years… http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=8a2505951fa3da47011fa3e0d8bf000e&cid=vplayer

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