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I know that the philosopher Christopher George Latore Wallace once wrote, “mo money, mo problems,” but I think that he got it wrong. It’s more like, “mo money, mo ridiculous lawsuits that really sound insane when you write them out.” Oprah, who was recently sued for one trillion dollars in an epic Online Poetry Collection scandal, now finds herself enmeshed in another ridiculous and kind of wonderful lawsuit. From US Weekly:

A flight attendant on Oprah Winfrey’s private jet filed a lawsuit Friday denying allegations that she had sex on board.

In the suit, Corrine Gehrls, 39, claims that fellow flight attendants Myron Gooch and Kirby Bumpus — who is the daughter of Winfrey’s best friend Gayle King and is Winfrey’s goddaughter — made the accusation that caused her to be fired.

The lawsuit claims that Gooch made the accusation — that Gehrls engaged in intercourse with chief pilot Terry Pansing, 57, during a flight in which the talk show host and other passengers slept “following their ingestion of sleeping pills” — after Pansing reportedly complained about his work schedule and demanded that he stay in nicer hotels than the rest of the flight crew.

Uh…

I’m not saying that it’s impossible to imagine a flight attendant and a pilot having sex on Oprah’s private jet, but Gayle King’s daughter (who is a flight attendant on Oprah’s plane? Nice job, mom) is seriously suggesting that she fed sleeping pills to all of the passengers and then had secret sky sex on a multi-billionaire’s private plane while the other stewardesses…who had apparently not ingested sleeping pills…just cleaned out the seat pockets? That is the most complicated sex ever. That is like the kind of sex that a billionaire with their own private jet might have with their secret gay lover that they refused to admit was their gay lover even though everyone knew it was their gay lover. Just for example. But probably not one of the multiple stewardesses working for the billionaire alongside the billionaire’s totally-not-secret-gay-lover’s daughter.

Forget it, Gabe, it’s O-Town*.

*Someone’s going to need to update the Wikipedia (disambiguation) page, thanks.

Comments (22)
  1. Well that’s to be expected when you put people named Gooch, Gerhls and Bumpus on a jet together.

  2. Lyle  |   Posted on Oct 12th, 2009 +10

    In related news, Myron Gooch and Kirby Bumpus are some pretty radical names.

  3. i don’t even know who wins the silly-name-off competition in that story. you go, gehrls. (sorry.)

  4. Actually, I believe the philosopher was one Sean John Combs, who used the late Christopher Wallace in a sampling capacity.

    • Well, shut my mouth. That’s what I get when I rely on my 9-year-old self’s memories of watching MTV videos. My 9-year-old self was such a dumbass! (Unlike today self, of course, who is a fine upstanding citizen)

  5. The plaintiffs will be represented in this merit-rich suit by relatives, who are attorneys at the prestigious law firm of Gehrls, Gooch, Bumpus and Bumpus, LLC.

  6. i hope the list of reasons for being fired in her termination of employment papers lists “DRUGGING OPRAH WINFREY” and “FUCKING THE MAN FLYING THE PLANE CARRYING OPRAH THROUGH THE SKY” before “having sex during work”.

  7. I’m not saying it justifies the totally credible allegations against Kirby Bumpus, but I’m just glad that he is doing more productive things with his life these days than raising packs of disobedient, semi-feral hounds that roam the streets of my otherwise idyllic suburban midwest neighborhood, consuming Christmas turkeys and molesting my old man.

  8. You should agitate for better nepotism on behalf of Gayle King.

  9. Wasn’t this an episode of ’30 Rock’? Are they even sure they were on Oprah’s plane?

  10. Not their fault. Dr. Phil forced them to.

  11. Bumpus-ing and grinding?
    Bumpus-ing uglies?
    Sorry?

  12. get your own ron gooch!

  13. Why wouldn’t they just wait till Oprah closed her self in the bathroom so she could pee bumble bees for 10 minutes straight?

  14. That’s what she gets for telling her audience that a way to save money in these tough economic times is to tip 10%. Once again, tip 10%. Not try to save money on your meal by not ordering that fifth Sex on the Beach or how about one dessert instead of fifteen. Not in Oprah’s world bitch.

  15. Peter Drekker  |   Posted on Oct 12th, 2009 +1

    It’s impossible for Oprah to lose a lawsuit. As much as she sucks as a person, she’s got as much immunity as the President. This guy wrote a good piece on her :

    http://www.whythisblogsucks.com/2009/10/05/why-oprah-sucks-part-1/

  16. Alia  |   Posted on Oct 18th, 2009 0

    Gabe, please use your powers for good and not evil.
    Won’t somebody please think of those brave souls who have dedicated their limited talents and youth to protecting the sanctity of Wikipedia articles??
    I’d hate to see something terrible happen to the Gabe Delahaye Wikipedia entry!
    Psych! You wish there was one!

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