I am completely on board with this. Because on the one hand, I hate world hunger. HATE IT! I know that’s not a very popular thing to say around here, where everyone is so pro-world hunger it’s ridiculous, you can’t swing a baseball bat without Bear Jewing some pro-world hunger advocate in the scalp. But I hate world hunger. And I don’t care about the Vatican. Like, if you were to make a list of everything in the world from things that I care about the most to things that I care about the least, the Vatican would certainly be in the bottom half of that list, and here are a few things that would be above it:

  • Honey-flavored candies
  • Ashlee Simpson
  • The well-being of people on the Atkins Diet
  • Ed Hardy Face Wash

I say we go for it. Let’s put this super-realistic and completely reasonable suggestion from a renowned Poverty Scientist into action!

Comments (51)
  1. “I don’t know what your version of all the pussy is…but you’ll get all the pussy.”

  2. my only problem with this is that it gets all Sarah Silverman-ish at the end and I can’t send it to my parents and relatives and stuff.

    i know. lame. but i’ve been making this joke/argument since i was 14 going to Catholic high school despite being not-Catholic and it might mean more from an attractive famous person than from me. too bad the pussy joke ruins it. and makes it better, also.

    • Oh, it’s not Sarah Silverman? I haven’t watched it yet, but with the “play” button over her face and Gabe’s description, that’s who I thought it was. You know, Sarah Silverman, renowned poverty scientist and professional pottymouth.

      • LOLOL this is the most unintentionally sarcastic comment ever, as I have since watched the video and discovered that the person I originally thought was Sarah Silverman and then got confused about and thought wasn’t Sarah Silverman based on someone’s comment was, in fact, Sarah Silverman. Basically I am Professor of Reading Post Tags Comprehension, except how I’m not. Sorry, bearface!

  3. I was all set to make an actual argument about how modern hunger issues are political and not economic, and that even in a worldwide downturn, there is still adequate charitable and international aid to feed all of the world’s starving but for the mechanisms of warlords and totalitarian regimes whose power relies on keeping their people in misery, but instead, I’ll just say that while the Vatican might be ostentatiously lavish, its artistic and architectural significance makes it worth caring about more than Ed Hardy Face Wash.

  4. Who would buy the Vatican? How fun would it be for the guy who owns Blackwater or one of those mercenary companies to buy it and then move all his employees there and promptly declare war on Italy. Just to see what they’d do.

  5. Lindsay would approve this message, and so do I.

  6. I actually think we should stop feeding all starving people. Then we could have two Vaticans! How sick would that be, guys?

  7. “Jew Bearing”

    Gabe, shouldn’t it be “Bear Jewing?”

    • You right.

      • Thanks. Obviously, I’m a highly regarded expert on the Bear Jew, one of the deepest and most well-developed characters in American cinema. Other things I know about him: he had a baseball bat that he liked to beat Nazis with.

  8. I love the idea of selling the Vatican, but let’s be honest who is going to buy all that gaudy shit?

  9. Also, I am reminded of the Eddie Izzard bit where he says the Vatican doesn’t have a leg to stand on vis a vis hating the gays, since they live in a giant palace full of fabulous antiques and men wearing dresses.

  10. haha, “irregardless”. from a user called ayn rand something. shame on her! (him?…probably her).

  11. This part wasn’t so bad but overall one of the most frustrating episodes of Real Time on record. How does Bill Maher not see the irony in saying we need universal health care and a public option now, but he doesn’t trust the government to distribute the swine flu vaccine. He seriously quotes Jonas Salk to argue that modern vaccines are unsafe. Also, “western medicine misses a lot” You’re right Bill, Western medicine should use tiger testicles to treat more conditions.

  12. Sell the Vatican, feed the world for a day. Teach the world how to sell the Vatican, feed the world for a lifetime… Wait, I’m not sure if the logic pans out. But I like feeding the world and who needs the Vatican, really? (Hopefully someone that wants to buy it.)

  13. Couldn’t we make more money if all the actors in Hollywood who have big shiny mansions sell their big shiny mansions (I don’t think Sarah Silverman has one of these, so this isn’t about her)? Or, better yet, how about ALL of those who own big shiny mansions tear them down, sell & recycle the scrap materials, move into more humble abodes, and use their excess wealth to feed the poor? Instead of, you know, selling a building w/ major historical & cultural significance that houses tons of offices & already makes major contributions to aid & relief services throughout the world.

    All that being said, maybe she just made this vid to piss off Jimmy Kimmel (raised Catholic).

    • I think that’s part of the joke. She’s aware that the Vatican isn’t the only example of excess in the world. Hence her mention of her giant plasma screen TV.

  14. Sean Keefe  |   Posted on Oct 12th, 2009 0

    Actually Michael Bay might take that and turn the Vatican into a transformer, he does need story ideas for Transformers 3.

  15. I just want to thank Gabe for mentioning the honey-flavored candy. Cause I have hated Bit-O-Honey my entire life, it’s the worst trick-or-treat “candy” EVER. (Thank you, Gabe).

  16. Joe  |   Posted on Oct 12th, 2009 +10

    Whenever I see Sarah Silverman all I can think about is that a reasonably attractive and talented human being allowed Jimmy Kimmel to be inside her. Like, INSIDE her. As in, doing it. As in, what the hell.

    • Funny, because whenever I see Jimmy Kimmel, all I can think is that this guy was allowed to be INSIDE a reasonably attractive and talented human being. And there’s a word for that feeling: hope.

  17. A comedian’s first goal is to make people laugh. Obviously Sarah Silverman doesn’t know what she’s talking about here. But it’s still funny. You have the exact same right to laugh at the idea as you have a right to pick it apart seriously afterwards.

    Besides, this isn’t the first time a comedian spoke about redistributing world finances to feed and shelter the homeless. Bill Hicks had a bit about it 20 years ago, except replace Vatican with U.S. military and defense. Of course it’s funny, of course it lends itself to thinking about a better future, but is it feasible? OF COURSE NOT. People are taking the ride too seriously and we’ll never get to explore space together forever.

    • but it is also the same conversation i have with myself or a co-worker every time those christian children:s fund ads come on tv– and then we remember what happened with the live-aid contributions and he warlords, so sarah makes me laugh at first, but then i just feel hollow and futile because the world is a big sewer.

  18. stlolth  |   Posted on Oct 13th, 2009 +1

    I don’t like sarah, whenever she makes mean jokes about important issues she doesn’t come off as playing the selfish buffoon to laugh at for being a ridiculous human being, but actually enjoying it. I always sense a very mean streak about her.

  19. windowpane  |   Posted on Oct 15th, 2009 0

    Cathedral Cafe
    Category: Sandwiches

    This very small as in tiny “cafe” is located on Fortress Christ the Light property… just next to the very large communion wafer eating center just across the plaza… so U have to ask yourself the question… would Jesus eat here?

    He might have a snack… but I’m sure He wouldn’t want to ruin his appetite for a dinner of God. And remember folks… everything co$ts money at Cathedrallville…EVERYTHING… even the snacks…so bring lots of $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

  20. windowpane  |   Posted on Oct 15th, 2009 0

    Cathedral Cafe
    Category: Sandwiches

    This very small as in tiny “cafe” is located on Fortress Christ the Light property… just next to the very large communion wafer eating center just across the plaza… so U have to ask yourself the question… would Jesus eat here?

    He might have a snack… but I’m sure He wouldn’t want to ruin his appetite for a dinner of God. And remember folks… everything co$ts money at Cathedrallville…EVERYTHING… even the snacks…so bring lots of $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

  21. windowpane  |   Posted on Oct 15th, 2009 0

    Cathedral of Christ the Light/ Oakland, Ca.
    Category: Churches? Catholick

    “Traditional Catholic architecture is full of phallic towers and spires, so it’s nice that they decided to balance that out by making a cathedral that looks like a giant vagina.”

    And that it does… from the air! But down below, on earth, it looks like a giant fortress, a castle, a prison, a no nonsense center for soul repair and money syphoning. Yes, it looks like a bank… a 190 million giant bankrupt Bank of God. It looks like something that’s hard and rigid… it looks like an enormous enigma, wrapped in a mystery, surrounded by a riddle. But deep in it’s bowels lies the real truth of its $ymbolic $tructure… where the little boys are kept. It is the Cathedral Mausoleum. Using a Mausoleum as a Catholic was (at one time) a mortal sin and bought you a one way ticket to hell. My grandfather who was about to cremate my grandmother was brought to tears by our parish priest who said: “Do you want to condemn your wife to hell.! But then the “Je$uits” did a study and found that the Holy Church of the Pope in the Vatican– the vicar of Christ could make lots of money by selling ash boxes to the living.
    JE$U$ Loves You!

  22. Don’t, its not worth it. You’re getting nothing out of this.

  23. (The answer is yes.)

  24. So in conclusion Jews>skanky twats? It’s nice to see someone finally sticking up for the Jews and really giving it to the skanky twats! They’ve had it coming for far too long. Also she’s Jewish.

  25. sammy  |   Posted on Oct 12th, 2009 +3

    Out of curiosity, what’s the rough equivalent of the Vatican in Islam, Buddhism and Judaism?

  26. WOOHOO! You better mean it, assbutt.

  27. Really? I assumed you were Catholic.. you know, because “God I hate this skank twat”.

  28. Why is this guy upvoted? Did he upvote himself? Who here would upvote this comment??


  30. irregardless?

  31. There’s something for everyone in this comment. The trolls get the first part, and everybody else can like the part where he says he’s leaving. Its like the Shrek of videogum comments.

  32. Yeah, well I downvoted Shrek, too.

  33. I dunno. I feel like if the “farewell cruel videogum” comment was from a real Ayn Randian it would have taken the form of a 10,000 word monologue and would have revealed that all the rich and awesome people had run away to Cloud City or wherever because they were too good for the poors and Sarah Silvermans in the world.

  34. Mecca, Tibet, and Palm Beach. Bada BINGGGG, thank you very much!

  35. Party pooper.

  36. Was it because I said “pussy”? I don’t know what about that makes you think I’m looking for a higher caliber of people to date. That is not even slightly true about me.

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