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David Letterman spent 10 minutes on his show last night explaining in detail (sort of) an extortion threat made against him to expose a series of inter-office sexual affairs. And so naturally someone has uploaded a Zapruder Film of the entire thing (what is it this week with Zapruder Films? Or is it Zapruders Film?):
Now look, no one is arguing that Dave can’t tell a compelling story. He certainly can! They should give him his own show. And having sexual affairs with your employees is not a crime, nor is it even remotely related to giving a 13-year-old girl quaaludes and sodomizing her (not necessarily in that order), and the two situations should not even be in the same sentence together unless that sentence, like this one, is explicitly explaining how much they are not the same or related at all. But you have to admit that there is some clever timing to this!
Like, if you were going to admit on national television to having had sexual relationships with numerous staff members in an artfully vague way (because we know way more about when and how Dave received a suspicious manila envelope than we know any details about these “terrible” relationships) there might be no better week than when the bar for sexual indiscretion has been set at 30-year-old charges of drugging and raping (anally) a 13-year-old girl. Right?
Anyway, whatever. I don’t care what Dave does with his pants materials. That’s his and his lawyer’s business. I am just saying that the stars aligned particularly well on this one, because that story could have been A LOT LESS FUNNY if there was not an incredible WAVE OF RELIEF that the admission Dave had to make did not involve THE RAPE-RAPING AND QUAALUDING OF 13-YEAR-OLD GIRLS.
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You can bite the dick that feeds you but that doesn’t make you any less of a whore
-Trent Reznor
Talking about Lily Van Der Woodsen
Worldwide Pants indeed.
Nice timing, Dave.
The idea of a sexual indiscretion bar intrigues me. Perhaps they should have that at the next Olympics. Instead of the high jump, you the high giving a 13-year-old girl quaaludes and sodomizing her (not necessarily in that order).
Eh, I don’t see the story here. Its not like it was EXTORTION-extortion.
winner.
what is your avatar from?
its the main character of the Oscar-nominated (winning?) short “More”. Its great. Google it.
thanks! you know, i have been searching for the name of that short film for years. i saw it first in my high school tv production class, but was never able to find it again. lo and behold it’s your avatar. cool.
MORE by Mark Osborne.
Huh. For some reason that thread where the OP answered the question wasn’t there, so I responded? How strange.
personally I can’t wait for some young flakey 19 year old girl is on there, and Dave is giving her a hard time, and she’s like “oh yeah, well, at least I didn’t like fuck my employees while I was married with a kid.”
and he’s like “do’h!”
This would never happen to Jay Leno.
lol. Leno wishes he had a story like this to confess !
This story would be much more compelling if Dave had decided to TAKE MATTERS INTO HIS OWN HANDS. Calling your lawyer and working with competent law enforcement officials is so boring.
Did someone say Harrison Ford movie? He’s just trying to protect his family.
I heard Jay Leno offered to start a petition in Dave’s honor that would be signed by late night hosts across the world, but Dave declined, realizing that being associated with Leno would only make things worse.
This was the first time I actually watch this video, and I have to wonder what the fuck is wrong with this audience? They’re laughing and clapping and the strangest, most awful shit.
DAVE – “I took advantage of my position in power and had sex with my employees.”
AUDIENCE – “hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha”
True Enough.
I guess if you’re a sycophant idiot, you have a hard time discerning what’s being done to entertain you from what’s being done as a cathartic, well timed, self serving, quasi mea culpa, for the purpose of preventing this blackmailing moron (who works for “48 hours”, the CBS news journal) from gaining traction.
Yeah, that actually made me feel really bad for Dave. Even when he tries to be serious, everyone sees him as a funnyman. How lonely must that be? However, in the audience’s defense, he’s also one of the most deadpan motherfuckers on the planet.
It’s as lonely as having bunches of sex with your underlings.
I’m sure the warm-up comedian before the show conditions the audience to act like trained seals and laugh and clap at everything, so no one’s sure how to react when SHIT GETS REAL. Remember when Michael Richards was on Dave to apologize for being a racist idiot and everyone was laughing and clapping then too?
To be fair, he does spend almost eight minutes setting it up as a funny monologue before very suddenly and seriously admitting he fucked some of his staff members.
Hey Gabe, I know it was a big story this week, but can we maybe chill on the Roman Polanski stuff come next week? Making every post in some way about him is kinda turning this site into Bummer Town, Population: My Buzz. Unless he pees his pants in public or something, in which case Polanski Away!
I kinda agree here. Rapegum is starting to become Rape-rapegum (y’know, not the good kind). I’ll be glad when Sexual Indiscretions Week is over. At least Violent Sex Tuesday is already behind us.
I GOT CBS STAFFERS ON MY DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!
Is it possible that the timing had more to do with him giving grand jury testimony that morning and the guy being arrested that afternoon? I mean, what would have been a non-suspicious time to announce this without the story getting leaked first?
If Dave was offering them career help, this would certainly explain Chris Elliot.
I’m so confused! I mean, cheating on your wife multiple times is a really bad thing to do, but manning up to it on TV is good, but only manning up to it because you were being blackmailed is not and I like David Letterman and what is his moral status really??
Can we just change the name to Moralquandarygum already?
When celebrities sign their contracts are they promised free reign for their sexual escapades or is that in the fine print?
From what I’ve read, Dave wasn’t married when all this happened and his kid wasn’t born yet. Not that that excuses anything, just clarifying.
I’m eager as a monster to hear exactly how Stephanie Birkitt fits into the story. She lived with the blackmailer, she was Dave’s assistant, you might recall her frequent appearances on the show a few years back. I always suspected something cooking there, the way Dave doted on her. Now it makes sense, unless I’m wrong.
Anyone have a link that still works? I wanna see Dave flail a little.