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Look, Flavor Flav on TV is like eye sausage. (Eye candy is for baby eyes.) It’s satisfying and bad for you, and you do NOT want to know where it comes from. “Well, first we take this drug-riddled, borderline-retarded casing, and we stuff it with ground up racial stereotypes.” STOP! Just put the sausage in my eyes! (That is what she said, because she is so confused about how “it” works.) But as great as the Flavor Flav eye sausage (it really is a gross metaphor and it makes me barf every time that I type it) has been so far, the latest Flavor Flav eye sausage (shudder) might be a sausage too far. From the Hollywood Reporter:
The original basic-cable ladies man is teaming with producer Eric Ortner to shop a new series to networks in which he returns to high school to receive his diploma.
Yiiiiiiiikes. No, sure, yes. There’s absolutely no way that this could possibly be anything other than uplifting and positive, I’m sure.
Teacher: I’m sorry, Flavor Flav, but you got an F.
Flavor Flav: Why you sorry? F is my favorite letter because it is in my name twice! FLAVOR FLAAAAAAAAV!
Teacher: OK, well you got a Fail. Is Fail in your name?
Flavor Flav: HAaaaaAAAAAAAAAA
I’m pretty sure producer Eric Ortner recently changed his name from Michael Bluth, because he’s made a terrible mistake. This is the best part, though:
“I just want to show the world it’s never too late to get your diploma, and show kids they should stay in school and not wait until you’re old to get it,” Flav said. “Everybody sees me as this big love mogul. Now I got a baby girl, I’ve been there and done that and now it’s time for the next episode.”
Um, no offense Flavor Flav, but it’s not that you’re too old to get your diploma, it’s that you’re too having ruined your brain years ago on all of that crack addiction. Seriously, you’re a mess at any age. And no one sees you as a “big love mogul” because WHAT IS A BIG LOVE MOGUL?
Oh this is going to be a mess. Someone call Lakeview Terrace and see if they know the number for Race Jail. We are all going away for a long time.
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“I’m pretty sure producer Eric Ortner recently changed his name from Michael Bluth, because he’s made a terrible mistake.”
HUGE mistake, Gabe. Not terrible, HUGE. Or in the Reno episode, “huge tiny.”
Not to mention GOB is the huge mistake haver. God it is like there is less requirements to be a editor than a monster.
There *are* less requirements.
It is also “an editor”. Check off that box, there are no more mistakes on the Internet!
Now what will we do?
Also, parallelism:
?God, it is like there are fewer requirements to be an editor than there are to be a monster.?
And the added comma. I think we?re almost there!
“There are fewer requirements.”
Sorry.
Well, Michael has said it before, so I will give a pass on that. Because I have been granted the authority to dispense passes.
Relax, technojeremy
I say good luck to him. He could really turn himself around and make something of his life. Society has always rewarded those who study. They’re always the ones who end up with the biggest clock-laces.
Should that be neck-clocks. I forget.
I have to give “Flav” props–for someone who is so unbelievably hard to look at, he sure does get a lot of camera time.
big love mogul:
I wanna start a new game: “Which Big Love Ass Would You Tap?” Probably be hosted by Flav, interestingly enough.
My pick: Ginnifer Goodwin.
Well then, game over I guess.
Well, Paxton could always bring on new wives.
Michael Bluth has made a huge mistake several times. Back off!
No one sees him as a “big love mogul?” Well yeah, but that’s just cause we all see him as “the original basic-cable ladies man!”
This show is going to be incredible. Something Oscar this way comes…
You’re right. It will be so good TV Oscars will be invented, and Flavor Flav will win all of them, and they will be renamed the Flavies. But instead of a gold man statue they will be shaped like shrunken heads, because Flav looks like the shrunken head guy from Beetlejuice except with a giant clock around his neck.
i feel like he looks more like utzi, the ice mummy. i don’t know html, so i’m not gonna spoon feed you a link, but trust. the resemblance is uncanny.
I can’t even laugh at this because he makes me sad. Also, creeped out and annoyed.
I remember an interview with Chuck D I saw several years ago about why they let Flavor Flav into Public Enemy and he said it had something to do with exposing the lighter more humorous side of the group (as Chuck D sometimes had a Huey Newton intensity to him)
BUT my theory here is either; A. Chuck D let him out of his crack cage to anger wholesome Republicans (which I support). or B. Flavor Flav is suppose to expose OUR humorous side, as we are ALL too serious these days. America is now Chuck D and Flavor Flav is not for one group any longer
I look forward to the inevitable culture clash when Flav is asked his thoughts on Team Edward vs Team Jacob.
Billy Madison for tha streetzs
Eye sausage = apt metaphor. Flav on TV DOES feel like someone is sticking a wiener in my eye.
I know you have much skill with extended introductions and mixed metaphors. But that extended introduction? With the whole eye sausage mixed metaphor? Wow, that just takes the biscuit. The eye biscuit that is.
Amiright?
i’m glad you said it. i didn’t want to be a total lame-o yes man, but that was really, really good. we don’t want gabe to get conceited with all out mindless praise. (good work, sycophants!) lots of love until i cried a bit.
if you listen really quietly, you can hear chuck d saying uncouth things underneath his breath right about now.
Cold Lampin’
Dammit, Gabe – I can practically hear some hungry young screenwriter pitching “A Sausage Too Far” to a panel of Lifetime Movie executives. Flav’s character will be a guy named Ernst, leader of the Dutch resistance, and stickler for punctuality. He ends up (spoiler!) sacrificing himself for the Allied cause by rewiring the timer for a crucial bridge bomb using his own novelty timepiece.
Is it just me or does Flavor Flav look like the black Burger King?
“A Sausage Too Far” is also the name of my forthcoming memoir…
We’ve simply got to get Flavor Flav in contact with the nice folks at Millionarecupid.org.
I love how completely insincere his shocked “whaaaats” were upon discovering that someone was on the show for the “wrong” (what?) reason.
[I originally wrote "one of the ladies" instead of "someone" but it didn't quite seem right, maybe there's a more precise term I could use]
That term is “chlamydia.”
A baby girl? The Internets (which are never wrong) say he has seven to 10 children. Hope they’ve budgeted for a math tutor.
7-10 children. I love that. Like after a certain point, the actual number of children becomes fluid or flexible. A quantum paradox, really.
“Big Love Mogul” is what I call my little Flav.
“Everybody sees me as this big love mogul.”
Maybe Flav can go back to school to get a diploma in self-awareness. Assuming the school doesn’t want him to teach that course himself, of course.
i don’t know how i’m going to keep being the president of the flavor flav appreciation society if he keeps on pulling the rug out from underneath me like this. is he a wise street prophet, spitting rhymes with his puckish wit? is he a private citizen (crack addict) devoting time and energy to nurturing his family (crack habit)? is he a smooth talking ladies’ man? is he a serious scholar who is committed to teaching others so that they may avoid his mistakes?
it can’t possibly be all of these things, can it? he can’t possibly be that complex! NO ONE CAN HAVE SO MANY FACETS!