As a 57-year-old man who spends most of his weekends sitting on his porch with a rifle laid across his lap throwing stones at passersby as practice for later so that in my actual retirement it will look like I know what I’m doing (being mean and old), there’s obviously a lot about Clint Eastwood’s character in Gran Torino that appeals to me. He dislikes his neighbors? Of course he does! He is constantly grumpy? Who isn’t?! He’s a vocal and unrepentant racist? Uhhh. Whatever it takes! (To be old?) But could it be that Gran Torino is the Worst Movie of All Time? ONLY TIME AND WHATEVER IS AFTER THE JUMP WILL TELL!

Gran Torino is about a racist old man named Clint Eastwood whose wife has just died, leaving him alone in their well-kept house on an otherwise ruined and collapsing block in Highland Park, Michigan. He is so grumpy and racist, it is incredible. His only is friend is his dog, and Mr. Pabst Blue Ribbon. And his horrific war memories from Korea. One night, he finds the Asian (gross!) neighbor boy trying to steal his prized 1972 Ford Gran Torino Sport. Oh, you can imagine how mad THAT makes him. Meanwhile, the robbery was a failed gang initiation on the part of the neighbor boy, Thao. The gang, led by Thao’s cousin, is unhappy that he failed and also unhappy that he isn’t more excited to join their shitty, scary gang, so they go to his house and try to abduct him. Unfortunately for them, the abduction spills over onto Clint Eastwood’s yard. He doesn’t mind violent Hmong gangs abducting and abusing their own as long as they keep the noise level down and they GET OFF HIS LAWN. He points the gun at everyone, he doesn’t care. Everyone get off his lawn! But now the Hmong cherish him as a hero for driving off the gang (which, to be fair, is a little small? No offense to that gang, but if there are only five people in your gang, it’s more of an extra-curricular club than a family-replacing criminal organization. Probably that is why they are so mad at Thao!) Begrudgingly, Clint Eastwood agrees to let Thao come work for him doing manual labor to make up for trying to steal his car, and I know you will never believe that a movie would do this, but, they slowly become friends! Oh, Clint Eastwood remains super-racist, but he begins to develop less-grumpy human emotions for these unwashed savages. “They’re not all bad,” he probably tells his friends. Anyway, Clint Eastwood, who just got diagnosed with tuberculosis or something by the way, teaches Thao how to be racist and he gets him a job in construction, and he loves eating dumplings now. But then one day the gang finds Thao and they break all his new construction work equipment that Clint Eastwood bought for him. And they put a cigarette out on his face! Yikes. So Clint Eastwood goes to the gang’s house (you know how gangs are, always living altogether in a house…that is easy for old men to find) and beats one of them up as a warning. But in typical gang fashion, they retaliate! Oh, gangs. They shoot uzis (UZIS!) at Thao’s family’s house, and they abduct his sister and rape and beat her. Oh jeez. Well, Clint may be racist and super grumpy, but he is a racist super-grumpy man who means business. Thao is eager for revenge, but Clint is determined to plan things out so that there are no mistakes. He gets a haircut. He gets fitted for a new suit. He goes to church and confesses for the first time in many many years. He locks Thao in the basement. Now he is ready! I won’t spoil the ending for you if you haven’t seen it, but let’s just say that Clint Eastwood gets shot by the gang members in a moment of heroic self-sacrifice in front of eye witnesses so now all the gang members have to go to jail. Relax, I didn’t spoil it. I didn’t tell you to whom he leaves the 1972 Ford Gran Torino Sport in his will!

HEY, YOU GUYS, GET OFF MY LAWN!

I recognize that this is a controversial entry in The Hunt, and as such it bears repeating that any movie can be nominated. It doesn’t automatically become a bad movie just because it comes under consideration. Gran Torino is a perfect example of that: flawed movie? Yes! Worst Movie of All Time? No! I no longer remember who nominated it, but the Gran Torino Heads can rest assured that they were mistaken.

That being said, I did think that the Hmong actors, namely Bee Vang and Ahney Her, were not very good at their jobs. If their jobs were acting. If their jobs were to serviceably represent a minority against which Clint Eastwood could thrust his slightly toothless racism, then they were perfectly good at their jobs, and they should get a promotion. To not having to do that anymore. Because that’s awful. And it is surprising and odd that Clint Eastwood chose Hmong gang warfare instead of, oh, I don’t know, black or hispanic gang warfare? Those seem like much more endemic problems in economically depressed areas (as if there is any other kind of area these days, am I right?). Perhaps it was purposefully to take away what would have been the movie’s incendiary political message and to focus on Clint Eastwood’s grunts (seriously, this could have been called Grunt Torino) and the budding friendship between two opposites (one horrible racist, one victim of the horrible racist’s horrible racism, like a chessboard!).

Fake Gun

Real Gun

And to be fair to whomever nominated Gran Torino, the genre of such-and-such-unusual-character (retard, alien, Hmong) teaches a jaded old (white) cynic the wonders of life again is definitely in the Top 3 Worst Genres. It’s so predictable. And so unrealistic. And such a cheap way to build meaningful character arcs. Not to mention emotionally manipulative.

Superpals

But this was not a bad movie. Clint Eastwood is a really good actor. He is very compelling to watch, so it’s weird that this is the first movie he’s ever been in. And sure, one might suggest that there are some questions raised about the colonial implications of a white man having to come to the rescue of the minorities, who can’t seem to help themselves.

Surprise, visual Christ metaphor!

But that’s for boring old professors up in their library towers. It was enjoyable to watch. What do you want from me? An end to hundreds of years of institutional racism and an effective refutation of the culturally absorbed assumption that the white man is the seat of all that is good and powerful in this world? No. Not today. Get off my blog.

Next week: Georgia Rule. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.

Comments (206)
  1. Fuck you, pussycake. Gran Torino was good.

  2. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  3. I especially liked how Clint even sang the song during the credits.

    • Tyne Daly's Clit With Googly Eyes from the Craft Store  |   Posted on Sep 29th, 2009 +1

      Srsly Gabe.

      All them words up there and NOTHING about Clint and the Hmong kids ridiculous duet at the end?

  4. Yeah, this movie was basically like Lisa Lampanelli making two-hour long racist joke and saying “But seriously, racism is wrong” at the end.

    Oh, and I nominate Smokin’ Aces.

    • I?d be inclined to agree of the awfulness that is Smokin? Aces, however? it deserves a skosh of redemption for the use of John Cale?s Big White Cloud and the delicious Miss Alicia Keys in hot pants.

    • I’ve been meaning to nominate Smokin’ Aces forever now and when I was reading this I was like, nows the time. Also, i liked gran torino, it proved you could be 80 and still be a complete badass.

    • AP  |   Posted on Sep 29th, 2009 0

      You people have got to see Ryan Reynolds in this movie. He is so serious and intense, and its so out of place with all the stupidity of this moie, I would have to guess someone on set decided to play a prank on him or something.

      I would also like to nominate The Core again.

  5. I nominate Very Bad Things for the hunt.

    • I second that

    • JDT  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 +1

      Third

      • JDT  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 +7

        Just came back to say, after having a minute to think about it, that “Very Bad Things” is the worst movie I’ve ever seen, hands down. i had forgotten about it. Terrible in every sense of that word, and worse because of some talented people involved. I enjoy this series so much, but in one sense, every week from now part of me will just be waiting for “Very Bad Things.” It’s so awful I’m starting to get emotional about it, I think I must have repressed it.

        • I second that

        • What? How can you hate on VBTs? Jon Favreau wasn’t fat yet, Cameron Diaz was one bitch of a c-word (i think that word is cunt, right?) and Jeremy Piven boned a hooker TO DEATH! TO DEATH, man! I mean, right? It was like the Hangover but with killing! Very Bad Things is AWESOME!!!*
          .
          *no. it was terrible terrible terrible. i fourth that nomination

        • VBT is bad. However, you have no reason to claw out your eyes and lynch yourself using your own tongue until you have seen Nell, Drop Dead Fred, and Nothing But Trouble. NBT alone is so bad that no mammal has ever seen it and retained the will to live. I know this for a fact: I saw it years ago and have been dead ever since, on the inside.

          Gabe, please, please watch these 3 movies. If you can.

  6. Who nominated this? Gran Torino is one of the only movies in recent memory I enjoy as much as my parents. And maybe everybody here doesn’t have a racist grandparent (I have several), but 1. they are products of their times and not necessarily bad people and 2. they are hilarious

    • I for one hated this movie (just because of the lousy acting and cliché-riddled screenplay) and I have non-amusing racist grandparents who (I’m sorry to say) are pretty bad people – since, for example, they messed up my mother to a similar state of closed-mindedness, which was one of the factors that forced me to leave home at sixteen.
      Also, I don’t really think the whole ‘products of their time’ argument makes that much sense, as I know and appreciate a lot of sympathetic, level-headed 60+ people.

      • The racism is a product of their time, not being bitter. My grandparents were raised in a society completely separate from all other ethnicities. Furthermore they were subjected to casual racism for there entire lives. For this reason I do not hold it against my grandmother at all that she thinks Asians are terrible drivers. But it is mostly harmless. My parents are in no way racist. It follows further down the line. Its not something I am proud of, but my parents are homophobic. Its not because they are bad people. They aren’t. I love them very much. Its lamentable but it was how they were raised. I would like to believe that I am in no way homophobic. This isn’t to say that everybody their age is homophobic, or that everybody my grandparents age are racist its just to argue that tolerance comes with generations. When I’m older I’m pretty sure my grandchildren will find it hilarious I’m so intolerant to something fairly mainstream and acceptable.

    • Who upvoted this? I agree that this common “racism is a product of their time” argument is bullocks. How the hell would there ever be progress if that was acceptable? I’m sure you love them and all, but I don’t care where or when you grandparents grew up; if somebody doesn’t recognize that racism is for dingleberries, they’re not a product of their time, they’re just assholes.

      • This is such an easy argument to make because obviously racism is bad. The problem with it though is that it lacks some compassion and empathy. Obviously racism is bad, but racists aren’t necessarily bad. But whatever you can continue to reduce everything to blacks and whites (worst pun ever totally intended) and deal with your absolutes. Hating racists is by no means the worst thing you can do in this world.

        • It’s such an easy argument to make because it’s the right one. I have compassion for racists, but by no means should I tolerate their bigotry or think it’s “hilarious.” I know that sounds self-righteous and trite, but whatever. Some values merit absolutes.

      • PROFESSOR McSWEARY  |   Posted on Sep 29th, 2009 +2

        I PRESUME YOU MEAN ‘BOLLOCKS’ AS OPPOSED TO ‘BULLOCKS’.

        ARE YOU AN AMERICAN?

        • Yeah man, definitely meant bollocks not bullocks. Definitely an ugly American. Next time I will remember to review my Sex Pistols discography before commenting.

      • It’s just…have some perspective. There’s a difference between refusing to excuse bad behavior because it was/is the “norm” and labeling someone a “bad person” because they behave a certain way, especially since I would venture to guess that in each of our lives there are one or two friends whom you “forgive” for some bad behavior or another on a regular basis. You’ve got a buddy who cheats on his girlfriend, a friend who loves to shoplift, whatever. You can and should tell them you think it’s wrong–but I bet you don’t drop friends because of it.

        Sorry to be all Senorita Seriosa, but damn.” Willful lack of a sense of perspective about history and people who are different from you” is most definitely in my top 5 list of things that make the world a much more terrible place.

  7. I was shocked at how many people each week were nominating this one until it got picked for the Hunt. The kids’ acting wasn’t that good and it was a little boring, but that was the worst I could say about it. Why all tha hate, folkz? I’ve also been noticing a lot of nominations for Hamlet 2. Save your nominating energy for Cellular and White Noise, people. Because those are two very bad movies. Very, very, extremely bad movies.

    • and what that actress lacked in acting, she made up in sass.

    • White Noise, Yes! White Noise!

      It’s like 3 movies at the same time and only one of them is watchable… This is the winner, the one to topple ‘Elizabethtown’…

      If the horror of Cambodian genocide were a film, it would be ‘White Noise’.

    • ugh, white noise was AWFUL. due to my unrepentant LOVE for coast to coast, i’ve freaked myself out on many nights listening to their shows on EVP, so i was really excited for that movie. and then it sucked. and michael keaton was totally the scariest part of that movie. his face! what has happened to his face?!?!

    • white noise probably won’t ever make WMOAT, guys, unless we’re feeling like michael keaton is A list enough to carry it. i guess he was at one time, but certainly not when this movie came out, i don’t think. THE RULES, guys, read the rules.

      hey, you know what movie DOES have allegedly A list actors and is terrible? MIAMI VICE!!! the only thing keeping this movie from the competition is the fact that i am apparently the only person who saw it. it’s really, really, really bad, though, guys! jaime foxx! he’s so bad at acting, right? (also, really, with the double x in your last name? please stop doing that, jaime.)

      • hm. is there really a statute of limitations on a-list? because we all seem to agree that somehow nic cage is still a-list, even though he is obviously not at this point. i mean, michael keaton played BATMAN, for chrissakes! it’s like, once you’ve played batman, you’re a-list for life. end of discussion. (side note, i realize that i am also now declaring val kilmer to be perpetually a-list, which is a whole other kettle of fish entirely. i will also say that i totally saw him at mardi gras last year when he was the king of some parade and let me tell you, when val kilmer lounges around in a fake throne and throws beads, he really lounges around on a fake throne and throws beads, if ya know what i mean.)

        • Speaking of Nicolas Cage – The Knowing. I feel really strongly about this one.

        • yeah, i don’t know. i’ve really brought up some questions (for myself) about a listness, and whether such a thing does have an expiration date. i agree that michael keaton would’ve been considered a list at one time, for sure, though that seems like a whole other lifetime ago.

          val kilmer will always be the swollen, belligerent king of my heart. i have a blind forever love for him, regardless of his expanding mid-region. LOVE. god, so much love for that guy.

  8. Khan from King of the Hill taught me that Laotians are the worst neighbors.

  9. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  10. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  11. pat  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 0

    Righteous Kill

  12. “Hurrr”

    - Clint Eastwood.

  13. A gang with five members isn’t that small. I’ve seen two-man gangs before.

  14. Lazy Muse  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 +4

    I am not sure if that has been nominated yet, but I think The Core more then deserves to be on the chopping block.

  15. Lazy Muse  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 -4

    I am not sure if that has been nominated yet, but I think The Core more then deserves to be on the chopping block.

  16. i still am firmly in the coalition to elect city of angels to the hunt.

  17. Lazy Muse  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 -8

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  18. (I’m not) Sorry, but movies that feature an old racist white guy who’s absolved through a meaningless act of self sacrifice need to die with their well meaning but still racist creators. F this clichéd hackneyed shite in the A.

  19. how about the core?

    • I second your nomination for ‘The Core’ and I’ll raise you ‘Deep Impact’

      … Any Movie that tries to paint LeeLee Sobieski as desirable I automatically take issue with…

    • I second your nomination for ‘The Core’ and I’ll raise you ‘Deep Impact’

      … Any Movie that tries to paint LeeLee Sobieski as desirable I automatically take issue with…

  20. Lazy Muse  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 0

    Sorry for the many postings. Won’t happen again.

  21. “The budding friendship between two opposites (one horrible racist, one victim of the horrible racist’s horrible racism, like a chessboard!).”

    This could have just as easily said, “”The budding friendship betwg een two opposites (one wannabe gang member and car thief, one victim of the wannabe gang member and car thief’s attempted car theft and gang memberdom!).

    Okay, not quite as easily, but you probably get my point.

  22. Phew! I’m glad Gabe thought the movie is alright. I mean, I know we all have our own opinions, and regardless of whether Gabe likes a movie or not, that shouldn’t mean I should care, since all that matters is whether I liked a movie, but it still makes me feel bad when Gabe dislikes something I like.

    Anyway, I’m a little surprised at the number of people who don’t realize that Walt isn’t a rascist. At least not in the “bad” way that ends with families crying. He’s an old curmudgeon set in his ways, but he certainly doesn’t hate minorities. It’s more that the Hwong ridden neighborhood represents the end of his time, of his world, and the beginnings of a new one. In other words, he feels like he doesn’t belong anymore (very much like Archie Bunker in those respects).

    His relationship with Thao isn’t supposed to represent an old man gets “saved” by a youngun. It’s supposed to show Walt that he does belong, that his values and ways still mean something. His relationship with the Hwong family next door is supposed to show him that he has more in common with the Hwong than he does with his own family (Ok, that’s kind-of “saving”, but it’s still worth mentioning).

    Also, come on guys! Who knew that Clint Eastwood had such great comic talent. I can’t prove it, but I swear that all the grunting and grumpy-old-manness was done on purpose. Clint Eastwood was using his reputation to screw with the audience and get some jokes in.

    Well, that’s enough of Professor Gran Torino.

    I nominate Little Nicky. Adam Sandler has made many terrible movies, but few are as painful as Little Nicky. Mike Nelson of MST3K couldn’t handle it, and I used to like it because I was a stupid, stupid kid. I guess it’s like when your a baby and you can’t really be scared of anything because you don’t know what fear is. At that point, I didn’t know what true “Deep Hurting” was. I do know.

  23. You had me at: “Gran Torino is about a racist old man named Clint Eastwood…”

  24. This, obviously, was the best part of Gran Torino:

  25. Dan  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 0

    Do Surrogates when it comes out on DVD. It was hilariously awful.

  26. I was one of many to nominate Gran Torino. In his mentions of the terrible acting of the Hmong characters, he failed to mention the atrocious priest character. Or the fact that the Hmong gang raped and beat THEIR OWN COUSIN. Not to mention the scene with the black kids on the street corner. How could you not mention that scene, Gabe? More than anything, this film presented an old racist man who never learns not to be racist. Should he have learned that? Probably not, but this film portrays him like he’s a great guy, when i found him rather loathsome.

    • Rachel  |   Posted on Sep 29th, 2009 +3

      I’m also a bit surprised at the lack of mention of the gang-raping cousins. Though, that wasn’t what had me the most pissed off when I got out of seeing Gran Torino – it was the fact that the entire point of the only real female character was to get gang-raped. Beforehand she’s spunky and thinks racist old white men are hilarious (just like the rest of us!), and then afterwards she wears traditional clothes and never speaks again.

  27. Gran Torino bares a striking resemblance to Pixar’s UP. Cantankerous old widower befriends Asian kid and they proceed to change each others’ lives, the only difference is that one is clichéd and juvenile. The other has talking dogs.

  28. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • Did you just attack Clint Eastwood and Martin Scorsese in the same post. I thought you were cool with your Henry Miller avatar and all, but now I’m not so sure.

      • i’m down with scorsese. i was trying to compare how the departed winning the oscar when scorsese has done better work is like how gran torino gets the brunt of my eastwood grief even though he’s maybe made shittier movies. reading over it again, i wasn’t really clear about that.

        anyway, downvote away, errbody. every time i have this discussion irl i get irl downvoted. my defense is that — disregarding stuff like ‘taste’ and ‘quality’ — i still have very particular criteria for what i like in movies, and there is no room for dopey rightwing apologists in my imaginary canon.

        and for the record, i am cool.

        • I didn’t really like the Departed either and its one of the reasons my friends describe me as a “hater.” I kind of see what you are saying about Clint. He has directed some undeniably good movies, but he isn’t cool.

          • I am genuinely curious.. what didn’t you like about that movie? I thought it was near perfection in film, but I’m gabe’s happy doppelganger.. I’m young, naive, and I love everything

          • I don’t really think its a bad movie, it just seemed phoned in. It had Alec Baldwin being Baldwin, and Matt Damon being Matt Damon, and Scorsese being Scorsese. They took no risks. They said nothing worth saying. And then there was the finale. It was too much after too little.

          • Don’t forget Jack Nicholson being Jack Nicholson (though that’s usually a good thing).

  29. I think the movie is about an impoverished Hmong neighborhood as opposed predominately Black or Hispanc gangs because the screenwriter is from Mpls-St. Paul which has a huge Hmong population but I don’t know why the movie was set in Michigan. Maybe Clint Eastwood wanted to make this because it wasn’t about populations where gang warfare is more endemic and, therefore, more publicized (Clint Eastwood + Boyz N The Hood = No Thanks), though I am surprised he didn’t do something a little more mainstream considering it was his first move and all.

    • Joe  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 0

      They set it in Detroit because Detroit offered a lot of money, and the Twin Cities didn’t offer any. But you are right about the reason that it is about Hmong gangs. I know Gabe doesn’t do much research for these things, he just kinda wings it, but that one wasn’t that hard to figure out.

  30. Geez, why is everyone being an asshole today?

  31. I am so excited about Georgia Rule, I literally gasped when I read it was next week’s choice.

    Also, allow me to nominate Fear with MarkyMark and Reese Witherspoon. A terrible movie with a terrible grunge soundtrack. NICOLE 4 EVA.

    • I cannot endorse this, simply because FEAR was known in my high school as “The movie where that girl gets her cherry popped on a rollercoaster.” How can that be the worst movie of all time?
      (It can, but still, memories.)
      I will once again nominate Valkyrie, and I am seconding so hard Million Dollar Baby.

    • You get my downvote because you referred to grunge in a negative manner. We [read: I] take our Seattle-based punk/metal seriously around here.

  32. OK you know what Clint Eastwood movie seriously does belong in the hunt?
    MILLION DOLLAR BABY.
    Totally unwatchable, maudlin crap. And it won the oscar!

  33. Does anyone wanna talk about how Gran Torino was basically another cowboy movie for Clint – no that there’s anything wrong with that. What’s the difference (other than the obvious aestheic ones) between this and Shane?

  34. Deep Impact, The Core, Battlefield Earth, Wrong Turn….

    None of them have a prayer against the opus known as “Pulse”.

    I hated Gran Torino, but it wasn’t the worst. It was just Diablo Cody using a different name, but instead of writing what she thinks all the cool hip kids say, she was writing about what she thinks gangs and old bastards say.

    For example, between all 5 “gang” members, they had 5 interchangeable speaking lines repeated at random. Sometimes they flexed their acting muscles and added “Man” at the end. And these were central characters. Imagine all the shit the filler characters spew. Who found this Hmong actors? And yeah, the fact they raped their cousin was kinda messed up on a whole new level. But, Diablo….I mean, Nick Schenk was using his pop-up book of emotional trigger cliches, so when that one jumped out at him he just put it in there, shit his pants, and beat his head against his padded wall. This movie sucked.

    Clint is one of the actors in the world who can read a phone book and make it compelling. This casting agent decides to surround him then with people who are constantly trying not to look into the camera lens. Because it’s shiny. And they’re stupid.

    Anyways, do “Pulse” soon, because at least with that, we can all have a good laugh . In that case, people realized it was shit, and didn’t go see it.

    • I hope someday a brilliant author writes a work of unimpeachable genius and calls it The Phone Book. I pray it is at once an instant classic and one of the most important works of art in the history of the mankind. Then we can finally get rid of the fucking phrase “I could listen to him read the phone book.”

  35. What? How can you hate on VBTs? Jon Favreau wasn’t fat yet, Cameron Diaz was one bitch of a c-word (i think that word is cunt, right?) and Jeremy Piven boned a hooker TO DEATH! TO DEATH, man! I mean, right? It was like the Hangover but with killing! Very Bad Things is AWESOME!!!*
    .
    *no. it was terrible terrible terrible. i fourth that nomination.

  36. The Craven  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 +2

    I nominate DOMINO. Please, please this movie was just the worst. EVER. No joke.

    • I was going to nominate Domino at the same time I was going to nominate Smokin’ Aces, because they are kind of the exact same fucking thing. but both were already taken so ill second both

  37. dan  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 -10

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • Boo. Srsly.

    • you’re trippin’, son. that movie was good.

    • i am so torn about that movie, and here’s why:
      THE GOOD:
      1. outer space! anything set in space gets thumbs up.
      2. cillian murphy! he’s real pretty.
      3. apocalyptic overtures! i will go to and love anything about any kind of apocalypse. srsly. ditto with “sapce madness” themes.
      4. monotonous! pretty! pretty creepy! all of these things exist in this movie.

      THE BAD:
      1. the last 20 minutes of the movie where they changed genres completely. if you’ve seen it, you know what i’m talking about, and JEEZ. who ordered the i know what you did last summer subplot and grafted it onto this perfectly good film? danny boyle, you lost me forever at the end of this movie.

  38. oh man, i feel so relieved. i was really worried gabe was going to hate gran torino, and gran torino was one of my favorite movies of last year! eastwood killed it. such a funny character. yeah, a lot of the acting was quite terrible, and it was not without its flaws, but i found it so fulfilling on so many levels. hooray gabe! now if you’ll excuse me, i’ve got to go protect my car from roving gangs. hurrm.

  39. While it is quite entertaining in it’s terribleness, eXistenZ is definitely one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, and that’s after I sat through all of Silk.

    • Oh god, yes. Remember the name – eXistenZ. Capital X, capial Z. WHY???

      And it got such critical acclaim! I was all psyched up to watch it, and then I watched it and discovered that Jennifer Jason Leigh should never be allowed to speak.

      That said. I am also super excited that Georgia Rules is up. And I fifth (or 79th, or whatever we’re up to) The Core, times infinity.

    • Jeff  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 -1

      Oh god yes eXistenZ. All I remember about it was some bizarre fishy/insect bio-guns, tainted bio-plugin game pods, and an ick factor of about a billion.

      Oh yeah, and spoiler alert, the Gamers wake up out of the Matrix… TWICE.

      mind. blown. (not.)

  40. Troodon  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 0

    I nominate Factory Girl. Again. C’mon, surely others have seen this (worst) movie. So bad.

  41. I nominate Away We Go, which actually comes out on DVD tomorrow… I know it’s nu, but that is my #1 Worst. I also 2nd Factory Girl. And lastly I nominate Chapter 27, in which a fat Jordan Catalano plots to kill John Lennon w/ hilarious bad-accent voice-over du jour.

    • JDT  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 +3

      Hmm. I thought “Away We Go” was sweet and funny, though I found it a bit holier-than-thou, and my wife and I had several interesting conversations about it where I saw interesting sides of my wife. So the holier-than-thouness faded from my memory and the great stuff (of which I think there was a lot) lingers.

    • I think Away We Go should definitely be nominated if, for no other reason, than because I would love to read a heated debate between the fans and the haters (and you should always accommodate what I would personally like, Gabe). I absolutely HATED it, despite the stellar cast. My favorite part was when they were super psyched to move to Montreal but then were all, “Oh, whoops, you had 5 miscarriages? Gross! Nevermind.”

  42. I really love Clint Eastwood, but I fucking hate this movie. If not Gabe’s WMOAT, it’s definitely the worst movie of 2009. Aside from Clint (who isn’t great either), maybe the worst acting I’ve ever seen. And his ungrateful family? Do people that horrible even exist in real life? Wearing a basketball jersey to a funeral? Come on.

    • I felt that funeral scene just let us know that while Clint’s character is a mean old racist, his wife was so bad that her grandchildren don’t even give a shit she’s dead. Imagine what she was like, teetering around the house, trying to out-racist Clint. What I’m trying to say is, prequal please. It’ll be about her car, CHEVY MALIBU.

  43. Also, I nominate “88 Minutes.” Redefines bad. Insane over the top acting, absurd dialogue, people being outed as lesbians at odd plot points for no reason, a catch phrase (“tic toc doc”), more recycled actors from CBS shows than you can shake a stick at, so on and so forth.

    TIC TOC DOC. 88 Minutes.

  44. One Missed Call fits nicely with the whole “cell phones are evil” motif.
    And I also nominate Dana Carvey’s “Master of Disguise” which fits in nicely with the whole non-existence of God thing.

  45. Maybe Gabe could do ‘The Number 23′?

    Wait, what’s that you say? We’ve already covered that one? Oh. Well, maybe he could do it again. Cause you know, 23 twice, is 23 + 23, which if you look at it, 2 + 3 = 5 + 2 + 3 = 10, which is the 1st two-digit number in sequence, so + 1, equals 11, which when split into 1 and 1, and added to 2, but subtracted from 3 is 32, which is WHOA, YOU GUYS – The Number 23, BACKWARDS!

    Basically what I’m getting at here is that I think that movie probably deserved to end the hunt and receive the award. Mind you, I will obstinately continue to nominate FOOL’S GOLD. Worst. McConaughey. Of. All. Time.

  46. b  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 -6

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  47. MoonsinLeo  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 -4

    I’m too excited about Georgia Rule, but in the meantime I would rather drive steel spikes through my eyeorbs than watch a Clint Eastwood movie. The man has been playing one character for over fifty years. It’s usually a safe bet than any movie he touches is going to be a shit show.

  48. david  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 -2

    I nominate 300

  49. david  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 -4

    300

  50. I think we can all agree that the scene with the zoom in on Clint’s angry growling face when his son suggests sending him to a retirement home is beyond awful.
    beyond it.

  51. Jeff  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 +2

    I’d like to nominate Underworld for WMOAT, for two reasons.

    First, It’s sort-of the future, and all the vampires hanging out at Victorian Vampire Castle Land are in a tussle because the sewer werewolves are bumming their Vampire Party. Eternal life hanging out in a mansion is tough. So HEY I KNOW! Let’s all go run in slo-motion for hours through endless rainy warehouses, because magical blue bullets and leather and beheading. And why is everyone always wet, even inside?

    And second, it’s my boyfriend’s favorite movie and I’m subjected to it about once a year and I still have no idea what actually happens in it. Make this post happen so I can copy and paste it IN HIS FACE. booyah!

  52. Did anyone else notice that the Hmong girl’s sole purposes for existing seemed to be being Professor of Hmong History and Culture to Clint Eastwood and getting raped in the end? I did. It annoyed the crap out of me.

  53. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  54. I really liked Gran Torino. I thought the ending was amazing and I didn’t see it coming (the way he dies not who he gives the Gran Torino too) which I liked.

    I’ve decided to start back up my campaign for Home Fries. it really is terrible. I’m not allowed to pick the family movie at Thanksgiving any more after suggesting it when it came out.

  55. Does anybody remember Serving Sarah? I nominate that.

  56. do “killing me softly” with heather graham

  57. Holy shit you are about to have an aneurysm watching Georgia Rule. That is a bad movie. It is bad enough to cause a blood vessel in your brain to burst. You’re going to look at the five watches you wear on the same arm about every 30 seconds to see how much more of it you have to sit through.

  58. I’m personally very disappointed Gabe didn’t mention Clint’s “Fish Head” racial slur, that as far as I can tell he made up and is not actually a racial slur. Such a Fish Head move, Gabe.

  59. RunBMC  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 -2

    As much as I hated GRAN TORINO (maybe not the WMOAT, but garbage nonetheless), Gabe probably could have gotten more mileage out of MILLION DOLLAR BABY or MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL, Clint-wise.

    And once again, another nomination for BLINDNESS, a Juilanne Moore movie even worse than THE FORGOTTEN and FREEDOMLAND. Combined.

  60. Here I am again, nominating Chasing Amy for the Hunt. Am I the only one who thinks this movie is terrible?

  61. jordan  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 0

    gabe, PLEASE do the horrible & awful al pacino film 88 MINUTES. this is the worst of the worst of al pacino ‘s (and there are so many worsts) acting, and on top of it there is a stupid plot with stupid “horror” conventions with a dumb “villain” who is a guy on the other end of the phone who calls al pacino and tells him about the countdown to his death. also, people are randomly revealed as lesbians for little to no reason.

    thanks! trust.

  62. MK  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 0

    Is Cool As Ice too hard to find for me to nominate? Because you all think you’ve seen the worst movies, but Cool As Ice tops them. The tag line is worse than most of the nominated entries:

    When a girl has a heart of stone,
    there’s only one way to melt it.
    Just add Ice.

  63. stankyleg  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2009 0

    but seriously 300 was one of ther worst movies of all time and an instult to the men that fought and died there.

  64. The only reason I won’t watch this is because Clint Eastwood is starting to look like a decaying carcass,

    • Are you kidding? The man’s nearly eighty years-old and is working harder than most twenty-five year-olds. He looks great for his age, and I’m sure he could beat me into a sad 26 year-old pulp of flesh and anonymous fluids if I so much as looked at him funny. He released TWO movies last year, and in addition to his nearly-finished Mandela pic, he’s already started pre-production on his next movie. To top it off, the Nelson Mandela film could be the best of his career, and he’s 80 fucking years-old! This guy blows my mind to no end.
      And if you watch a lot of movies, Gran Torino’s at least worth seeing. The problems others cite are definitely present, but it’s a nice subversion of his tough guy persona.

  65. One more thing. There should be some more “comedies” in The Hunt. The list of offenses is far too long to pick even one.

    • langfod  |   Posted on Sep 29th, 2009 0

      I can understand why they aren’t many comedies. It’s easy to measure of movie’s success by its aspirations. If it didn’t make you laugh, it’s a sucky comedy. If it didn’t change the way you view the world and accurately depict a moment of human life then it’s a bad drama. I mean, some comedies aim to do that too, but they’re not the the ones we’d be nominating for the Hunt. We’d get Billy Madison noms up in this hizhouse.

  66. I would like to make two nominations one “comedy”*: Star Wars Episode II. The other is Into the Wild

    *comedy actually means my shattered high expectations for a better movie than episode I

  67. But sometimes the Hmong character teaches the jaded old (white) cynic a valuable life lesson on a magical journey that we all enjoy!:

    I rest my case.

  68. Clint Eastwood, Christian Bale’s Batman and the True Blood vampires should go on Leno and perform the “Va-why-the-fuck-do-I-talk-like-this Monologues”

  69. I nominate 500 Days Of Summer. Miserable from beginning to end, and I usually eat that kind of crap up.

    • I left the theater angry because I hated this movie so much. Whine, whine, whine, this girl I fell for without actually knowing her dumped me so this gives me license to be a horrible asshole to every friend I have and any woman I come into contact with. And the way that I will show that I have changed and come of age is to ask out a sexy architect lady, not to in any way treat the people in my life better. But don’t worry I’m a nice guy. UGH.

  70. ideassleepfuriously  |   Posted on Sep 29th, 2009 +1

    KEEPING THE FAITH !!! KEEPING THE FAITH!!! KEEPING THE FAITH!!!!

    I only actually watched half: I was stuck on a plane with nothing to read, and decided I would rather stare at the seat in front of me than watch any more of it….

  71. and did lolster/dacakeeatur get booted?

  72. Yeah, I was going to say he’s 80 years old, so how is he playing a “57 year old”? Because, man, 57 year olds don’t look nearly that haggard.

  73. I’d like to nominate Flightplan. There is an actress who played Clarice Starling in a previous role who everyone else thinks is insane because she’s the only one who thinks she brought a kid with her on the flight. I would argue that this movie is definitely as bad as and possibly even worse than The Forgotten. Because this movie does not have Jumpering.

  74. Is it too early to nominate Jennifer’s Body? Or maybe it’s just too salty. Or maybe you’re just jello of it.

  75. clownfish  |   Posted on Sep 29th, 2009 0

    I nominate Kenneth Branagh’s version of Frankenstein. It is as though Michael Bay and Tim Burton got together to make a movie. . . . A horrible, horrible, movie filled with period piece and explosions.

  76. Toxic  |   Posted on Sep 29th, 2009 +1

    I nominate Tarantino’s Grindhouse’s DEATHPROOF. Regular Sex & the City was bad enough, we didn’t need Quentin Tarantino’s self referential, self indulgent Sex & the City for foot fetishists.

  77. Paul  |   Posted on Sep 29th, 2009 0

    I nominate Gran Torino, because obviously you were talking about a different movie during this post. Because if you were talking about the Gran Torino I’m talking about, your post would say ‘YES, THIS WAS A HORRIBLE MOVIE.’

  78. Jonee  |   Posted on Sep 29th, 2009 0

    I really loved this film. It’s interesting that Gabe questions using racism against Hmong as opposed to the more familiar prejudice against blacks or Hispanics. Isn’t it a bigger statement to say that racism affects people of many different creeds? Another movie about black vs. whites doesn’t say anything new. Here, we’re seeing something rarely portrayed in movies. And, I really like the non-professional Hmong actors. Maybe they don’t have the chops of a Clint Eastwood, but they felt like real people to me. This was probably my favorite film of last year.

  79. LOL i thought clint eastwood was great too!! can’t believe this wuz his first movie.

  80. First, I’ve been on vacation so it’s taken me 3 days to catch up on all the VG posts (you guys are madnuts with the output, never noticed until I went away for a week! Just wanted to say that.)

    Second, does anyone remember the SNL skit “Who’s More Grizzled?” IMHO….that’s what this film is, a 2 hour “Who’s More Grizzled?” (Answer: Clint Eastwood).

  81. UKsoulpilot92  |   Posted on Sep 29th, 2009 -3

    I nominate Jumper or Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

  82. stanley  |   Posted on Sep 29th, 2009 0

    I nominate Men With Brooms. Seriously. I’ve sat through some suckfests before, but I had to turn this one off. Blah.

  83. Jeri Hambone  |   Posted on Sep 29th, 2009 -1

    I’d like to nominate FALLING DOWN for the Worst Movie Of All Time.

    That is all.

    Thank you.

  84. sean  |   Posted on Sep 30th, 2009 -1

    I love Gran Torino, and I love this Ryback cook guy. keep it up! Gabe IS the worst and those guide to man style videos are fucking awful and the worst anything of all time.

  85. C’mon. Please stop defending this racist crap. It’s a 130 minute long (130?!?!) “With all due respect” attempt at dodging responsibility for voicing racist beliefs. I love how we’re supposed to excuse the racist crap read from his will at the end because the lawyer says “I’m simply reading it the way it is written.” DON’T BLAME ME! /SHRUG /WINK THEWORST

  86. Color of Night  |   Posted on Sep 30th, 2009 0

    Gran Torino was good. Now please don’t spend more time on “controversial” picks and just go see Color of Night. The journey ends there.

  87. I nominate Gothika.

  88. marc  |   Posted on Oct 2nd, 2009 -1

    Has anybody already nominated Any Given Sunday? Because it’s the worst, you know..

  89. andy  |   Posted on Oct 2nd, 2009 0

    I nominate House of Wax. Seriously, how can it NOT be on the list? It’s got a man with an arrow through his heart melting onto his siamese brother in a house made of some sort of candy.

  90. kittenpants  |   Posted on Oct 2nd, 2009 0

    Saw Whip It at a sneak preview last week. Consider it nominated. I am nominating the fuck out of Whip It.

  91. hollywoodfromtopgun  |   Posted on Oct 2nd, 2009 0

    Has anyone ever nominated The Happening? Can I? Is that in the rules? Seriously, it’s all kinds of bad. Punch-for-punch-with-Elizabethtown bad.

  92. SHaboom  |   Posted on Oct 3rd, 2009 -1

    You ignorant bastiches! Gran Torino was a good movie! Eat little balls of poop!

  93. Vertical  |   Posted on Oct 3rd, 2009 0

    How about a dance-off between Life is Beautiful and Jakob The Liar?

  94. Vertical  |   Posted on Oct 3rd, 2009 -1

    How about a dance-off between Life is Beautiful and Jakob The Liar?

  95. yancy  |   Posted on Oct 3rd, 2009 0

    10000bc! Possibly the worst movie ever! OOOOh and that one with Lucy Liu and Antonio Banderas.

  96. I haven’t see it yet, but I nominate “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell” ….or as I like to call it, “I Hope They Slip Arsenic In Tucker Max’s Beer”

  97. Gran Torino, a reflection of America’s fall from Glory – Fallen Too Far. I’m astonished that the demeaning, abusive verbal terrorism by the main character and the violent end was permitted by the Film Guild. Its un-American to reflect what this character protrays even while the minority family was pleasant to him. My reasoning is,[ Whites want to keep their riches and not share even at the cost of saying everyone is out to steal from them] when in clear view the minorities have a higher demeanor and human approach to being thankful for living in America. For me it reminded me of my upbringing in the 50′s when we had to fight everyday to get to school because White kids were told by their parents we were wanting to steal the school furniture, a real sad time of my life and eventhough by the mercy of GOD, I have moved on its very pathetic film-makers would bring back this history that infuriates millions of viewers for easy film-making coins.

  98. Jesus.
    You’re really slipping. Who in their right mind can put this amongst the likes of Lake House and Max Payne.

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