All your dreams are finally coming true, girls. A full-length, major motion picture featuring your favorite hero on a wonderful adventure. Probably. “Barbie has to destroy the All-Spark by shoving it into Ken’s mouth after a drawn-out shape-shifting battle on the streets of Mission City.” Something like that. “Imagine the #1 movie of all-time, Confessions of a Shopaholic, but with a lot more CGI.” Ugh, stupid Hollywood. Barbie Idea Jeans, right, you guys? Although I do hope they cast this guy as the star. Here’s an executive explaining what’s taken so long in getting the Barbie movie off the ground. From Variety:

“The brand wasn’t ready for a movie,” Dickson said. “In the last 10 years, Barbie has evolved from a toy into an intellectual property. We’ve already had enormous success in the entertainment industry. Barbie has a proven track record in home entertainment, there have been live stage shows, live symphonies and other non-traditional forms of entertainment. There is a flagship store in Shanghai. There are a lot of ways we are already communicating with Barbie’s audience, and there is a richness to the brand as an entertainment property.”

Uh, LIVE SYMPHONIES? Huh? But ooh, a flagship store in Shanghai! This guy is right, then, it is definitely time for an awful movie adaptation. The brand wasn’t ready (?) but now the brand is ready (?). It’s just the logical progression. It goes popular toy – live symphonies – flagship store in Shanghai – movie adaptation. Look it up in your Success Textbook. It’s right there after the chapter on dressing for the job you barf not the job you fart.

Comments (25)
  1. Does Barbie really have a pooper scooper accessory? Wow.

  2. Try as they might, no big screen Barbie movie can ever capture the thrills and suspense of the straight-to-DVD “Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus 3-D.” They just can’t. Remember the scene where Ken made the gas station Pegasus call a coin toss to see if he’d kill him with a cattle gun or not? Chilling.

  3. Is it going to be live action? Or part live action-part animated Barbie much like G-force. Which somehow ended up making a lot of money. If so, zach galifianakis should have a role. Possibly as a homeless ken.

  4. Beyonce will do the theme song, “All the Plastic Ladies.”

  5. Oh. Barbie’s dog has a terrifying posable jaw. Oh good.

  6. Barbie + “intellectual property” = huh?

  7. maybe it will end the way all the movies i scripted with my barbies ended: with decapitations, amputations, and mayhem.

    • That’s pretty hardcore. For me it was bad haircuts and getting it on with Luke Skywalker. I guess every girl plays with her intellectual property a little differently.

      • ha, yes. my barbies also participated in the bad haircuts and inter-species-action-toy sex. but as i was the only girl in a houseful of boys, i also had access to m80 firecrackers, slingshots, and other such devices, so my dolls usually got turned into projectiles and sacrifices to malevolent playtime gods whenever i grew tired of them, or whenever they were captured by one of my brothers and tortured.

      • I stole my sister’s, to be mean, and painted their hair chrome and safety orange. But then I was grounded for it. I was bored without my Atari and G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier so I named them, made funky clothes for them (out of clothes that I also stole from my sister’s collection) and built a dream home out of a cardboard box. I even gave them back-stories: Reenie had the orange hair, worked at the Salvation Army and played in an all-girl punk band. Manda (no A) had the chrome hair, worked in a donut shop and liked surfing. They may have been lesbians, I’m not sure, but even at 11, I was very progressive. Then one day my dad found my friend and I playing with them and made me join the Cub Scouts.

        • Fortunately there’s nothing to straighten you out like spending the night camping in close quarters with a whole other pack of sexually confused pubescent boys.

  8. What? Barbie movies are a new concept all of a sudden?

    (Who told them that The Three Musketeers was an alright story for kids?)

    • I noticed this one last week (I’m still not sure why Amazon thought I’d be interested). Finally, an adaptation the way Dumas would have wanted it! One for all and all for shopping!!! YAY!

  9. I wish the Transformers “brand wasn’t ready for a movie”

  10. the movie is going to be directed by david lynch and end with a scene where barbie tells about her dream the night before in which she is riding horses with her father in a snowstorm, and he rides ahead to prepare a fire.

  11. im just guessing, but this movie is probably not going to be good.

  12. This is as bad of an idea as shampooing your Barbie’s hair. Sigh, it was never the same afterwards.

  13. holy crap, this is maybe my chance to make it totally big! i’m going to do whatever it takes to get cast as barbie! i’ve got some appointments to schedule! 1) leg lengthening surgery, 2) rib removal, 3) gigantor boob implants, 4) plastic surgery because i’m already way too old (ew, 30), 5) lipo (doy), 6) someone needs to teach me how to have an eating disorder ASAP! so much to do!

  14. Ooh here is a video advertising that Barbie Symphony thing! It’s sort of Fantasia meets the Boston Pops meets female body dysmorphia.

  15. I hope they strike a more realistic tone with this and finally have Ken come out.

  16. No, they did this already.

    and yes, lindsey lohan + tyra banks / direct-to-video = best movie I have never seen.

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