Needless to say, this is your essay question:

Incredible. “If you knocked your brother down, would you urinate in his mouth?” Oh to spend one hour in the living hellscape that is the human mind that thought of that as an essay question for children. That teacher knows how to engage young minds! And while what that grandmother said is true, some people do think they can do whatever they want, I don’t think that’s what the issue is here, unless by “do whatever they want” she means “not take the brain medication they need” as in “people think they can not take the brain medication they need.” Because of how that teacher clearly did not take any of her brain medication whatsoever. (Thanks for the tip, Becca.)

Comments (51)
  1. “If you knocked your brother down, would you urinate in his mouth?” Yes.

  2. OK class, today’s topic is: “It takes a tough man to make a tender forecast. You keep fucking that chicken.” You have 50 minutes, and spelling counts.

  3. So you knock over your brother, who may or may not have suffered a concussion when the back of his skull smacked hard against the floor, but then you find yourself faced with the decision of whether or not to PEE into his quivering, crying mouth. OK!

  4. “The teacher was trying to stimulate her students into thinking creatively.”

    She succeeded in stimulating me.

  5. talk about a multiple choice question pretending to be an essay question.

  6. “I’d like to see you come up with some other topics and more appropriate prompts.”
    -This teacher’s defense attorney

  7. Ooh, I smell a Best New Party Game

    “You’re walking in the desert, you see a tortoise, and you reach down and flip the tortoise on its back. You fellate the tortoise. Why is that, Leon?”

  8. Whoever laughs at this news story must have never had an older brother. I’m just glad this epidemic is finally getting addressed. Now if they could just make a lifetime original movie about that time he held me down and pooped in my pants to make me look dumb I’d be golden.

    • He held you down AND pooped in your pants? At the same time? That’s actually very impressive.

      • Its very impressive. That’s why despite all the abuse I just really wanted to be like him. Maybe if I could poop in someone else’s pants while they were wearing them my mom would love me as much as she loves him.

        • My sister used to smoosh tootsie rolls into clean underwear and run and show my parents, telling them I messed my pants. Then she would peel it off and eat it, right in front of them. I feel sure the marshmallow scientists would have something salient to say here.

  9. I would like to hear I PEE GOLD’s opinion on this matter.

  10. If you knocked your brother down, would you urinate in his cellar door?

  11. Isn’t there a videogum comments monster that has a Mapplethorpe avatar? Their opinion would be weightier than ours here.

  12. Who in the hell does that teacher think she is exposing such filth to little kids? Talking to children about pee-pee?! Did she think that was funny? Because I guarantee you children do not find pee-pee OR poo-poo funny at all!
    She just may have scarred those kids for life. In two years they’ll end up laughing at words like “fart” and “boogers”, and when they get to be around 12, they’ll be talking about “boobies” and “buttholes”. That woman should go to jail.

  13. J  |   Posted on Sep 21st, 2009 +2

    Do you really think that this question is some sort of ridiculous, tourettic yelp from the “living hellscape that is [this teacher's] mind?” It seems kind of obvious that this question has to be some sort of reference to an off-the-cuff remark a student made in class one day. That seems much more plausible to me than a teacher pulling a question like that out of nowhere.

  14. shouldn’t that be “If you knocked your brother down, would you urinate in his mouth, and why?”

  15. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been peed on before.

  16. I really don’t think the teacher was trying to stimulate the classroom youths’ minds, I think the teacher was just trying to find cheap stimulation.

  17. 2 siblings + 1 essay.

    the viral gross-out shit they’ll put on the internet…

  18. I don’t want to live in a world where “golden showers” isn’t a good essay topic. I just don’t.

  19. No? Not related to a book they’d been reading? Huh. Well, what about I Know Why the Caged Bird Got Pee in its Mouth?

    • sweet baby jesus, that’s the best new party game forever on into perpetuity.

      where the red fern got covered in urine
      a tale of two urine covered cities
      the heart of pee-soaked darkness.

      lots of loving in a totally embarrassing way on a crowded plane.

  20. Santa  |   Posted on Sep 21st, 2009 +8

    I don’t even have a brother.

  21. The students who answered yes definitely ate the marshmallow.

  22. As someone who lives in Manchester, NH… I can tell you that this is merely par for the course.

  23. The Onion has finally taken it too far this time. Totally tasteless.

  24. I always enjoy the variation on the line “he hasn’t seen an essay topic like this in all his years of teaching” cause if they didn’t include this we would all assume that it’s totally commonplace.

  25. Wait, there ARE other topics?

  26. Ever since the beginning of history, knocked down brothers have had their mouths urinated in. This is done to quell brother uprising. This is also done for entertainment values. Thirdly, brothers today are asking for it more in this society than ever before. Thusly, if I knocked my brother down, I would (because of tradition and he asked for it) urinate in his mouth, however I would also help him clean it out before mom got home.

  27. i’m thinking she was secretly looking for followers to join her pee cult. she’s like the jim jones of pee.

  28. langford  |   Posted on Sep 23rd, 2009 +2

    Whatever happened to that movie that Lindsay posted the trailer to, with the hot swimmer incestuous brothers?

  29. This was my high school. Seriously. The best part is they keep cutting to the adjacent Middle School (more photogenic, I guess?) where my Dad works, teaching English. He told me on the phone that he was watching the news and wishing they would emphasize the teacher’s gender more. Now I know why. That was not my Dad’s writing prompt, everybody. For the record.

  30. Great idea!* “…children would be smarter.” –except for the students who wouldn’t be allowed into any schools. They’ll just rob your house for you while you’re at work.


  31. that’s suggesting that everyone inherently deserves access to free education, which i don’t see anywhere in the constitution, OR the bible.

    anyway, wouldn’t the poor be better served just learning how to mow lawns and sew buttons on uniforms early, so they can become totally excellent at it early, then have many years of solid service at low wages until they become crippled by the repetitive and physically grueling nature of their jobs and eventually just die of it at age 50 because they don’t have health insurance either since they’re poor and bootstraps.

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