Paranormal Activity trailer, you guys:

This trailer did not convince me that Paranormal Activity is one of the scariest movies of all time. What it DID convince me of is that Paranormal Activity is a lame-o Blair Witch rip-off, and that this test audience is a ridiculous group of babies. “OH NO, NOT SAND FOOTPRINTS!” It’s 2009. “Something bit me.” “I know, let’s go talk to a ghost therapist.” What? But everyone in that test audience shit their pants, apparently? Grow up, you stupid muppet babies.

Also, who watches movies like this:

Yuck. That’s how you watch movies? I hope a ghost climbs into your bed and SOWS SEEDS OF DOUBT INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND YOU BREAK UP!

Comments (50)
  1. Where’s Milla Jovovich? Isn’t she supposed to tell us that everything we’re about to see is real? Or is it everything we’re about to see is a reenactment of something that was real? Or a real reenactment of something that was fake? Or a fake reenactment of a fake story about real people? Or a true story of seven strangers picked to live in a house, work together, and have their lives taped, to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start being real? See what happens Hollywood movie guys executives jerks! No Milla = no comprende.

    • Unrelated, but I JUST got your icon.

      I thought it was just silly nonsense, but I happened to be listening to “Maps,” as I opened up Video gum, and it’s actually pretty funny!

    • I think you meant Steven Seagal. In between shooting “The Glimmer Man” and “Fire Down Below” he decided to bite this woman on the ass and track kitty litter through their bedroom. Real talk.

  2. pushstar  |   Posted on Sep 17th, 2009 +3

    Now let’s be fair. The medical bracelet the girl is wearing may actually require her to watch 1 scary movie wuth 1 Brady boyfiriend.

  3. i’m excited for a horror movie that seems to have nothing to do with torture porn! scary noises and stuff moving on it’s own is great. so much better than a person getting disemboweled with accompanying sticky/wet sound effects. blech.
    but yes, this ‘audience reaction’ is dopey. actually, that same audience reaction will prevent me from seeing it opening night. i hate that ‘after-scare chatter’ where people need to calm down and talk it out after their annoying high-pitched shrieking.

  4. This might be the stupidest movie ever (probably not, The Love Guru is still out there) with a cheap and stupid test-audience reaction trailer, but I’ll be the first to admit that when it comes to horror movies (even stupid ones), I am a scared little muppet baby.

    • agreed. i go to pretty much every horror movie that gets released (with the notable exceptions of the exceedingly torturey ones, because they’re usually not scary or enjoyable) and though i am always really excited, i am a complete baby and almost always get so scared that i have to close my eyes/plug my ears/pull my sweater over my head and think about ponies and rainbows and how THIS IS NOT REAL. and i never learn my lesson. i refuse to be someone who doesn’t go to horror movies. i listen to metal! i have tattoos! i’m supposed to love it! but nope. i just make myself sick to my stomach and ensure that i will have problems being alone in my house at night for a good six months after scaring the bejeezus out of myself, like the aftermath that the strangers had on me. so i will go to this, and i will crap myself, and i will go to the next one like this, and crap myself again. sigh.

      • I admire your perseverance. I can’t do it. Any horror movie, or even a kinda creepy episode of Medium = Nightmare Town, Population Me. I used to love the excitement of horror movies, but after a while I decided that it wasn’t worth it. I guess little muppet babies can’t have it all.

        • I put horror movies in the same category as “suicide” chicken wings. I used to suffer through them to prove how tough I was, but then I realised I was being a moron. Eating shouldn’t hurt, and horror movies are typically stupid. If a horror movie is bad, I’m bored, which isn’t fun. If a horror movie is good, I’m scared, which isn’t fun.

  5. Is this film in conjunction with “Paranormal State”? Cause the production value is near identical. And by production value, I mean they add the “ghosts” in post.

  6. See, this is my main beef with horror movies in general, especially docu-horror (mocku-horror? Forget it, Jake, it’s vague film genre town) ones like this. We know it’s not real. No amount of disclaimers telling us these are real events is going to convince anyone (except those people, apparently?) that Paramount is releasing a movie made entirely of “amateur” footage from I guess the really expensive HD cameras and sound equipment they just had laying around the house.

    So once that conceit is laid, what is there to be scared of? Oooooh man, creepy set design and props! Look at that horrifying special effect and CGI trick! So obviously not real but made to look real it’s scary!

    Get these babies some new diapers to shit themselves in.

    • I’m not sure I understand your point. Great movies make us suspend our disbelief to truly feel something. The mockumentary aesthetic is just another tool to help with that. It can be cheap and gimmicky (Diary of the Dead), but when done well it can suck you in and make you believe what you’re seeing ([rec]). I knew Cloverfield wasn’t actual found footage (I did extensive research), but it felt immediate and intense due largely to the aesthetic. I don’t care if it’s real, I care if it feels real.

      • Yeah, but at least for me, when you’re dealing with the paranormal and you create that documentary feel to make it seem real, it kinda destroys the ability to suspend disbelief because you can clearly see through the artifice of it all. To me it’s like watching those stupid ghost hunter shows (which I’ve seen more than I care to admit because my sister is obsessed with them) where all you can say is “Yeah, nice job recreating the spooky stuff and all. Bravo. I guess if I were there and that actually happened to me I would be scared.” It just completely loses all sense of attachment and relationship to what’s on the screen when it’s presented like that.

        But then again, I hated Blair Witch, and I hate horror films in general because they never succeed in scaring me or creeping me out in the least. SO I GUESS I’M JUST A HORROR PARTY POOPER.

        • Well, I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree. Different strokes we are the world. Yes, I’ve been a horror nut my entire life, so when I sit down in that theater, I want to be scared, and maybe I try to talk myself into it. But I’d rather hold on to that child-like wonder and fear than constantly pick apart every inconsistency and mistake I see. It’s far from critical-minded, but sometimes I just want to sit in a dark room and have someone fuck with my emotions.

          • HOLY shit I just SAW [rec]. I DON’T normally LIKE UNAMERICAN films that make ME READ AND shit but THAT WAS some fuckin INTENSEASS shit that I just CANNOT not GIVE IT its dues!

  7. Come one, Gabe. I’m all for getting back to a genuine atmosphere of fear in horror. That creeping dread you get when you watch films that take their time is infinitely better than the “girl’s alone… creepy music… creepy music stops… BOOO!!!” that populates eighty percent of mainstream horror or the “look at those intestines, those are gross, huh?” that powers the other ones.

    Calling something a “Blair Witch ripoff’ is kinda besides the point now. It’s like calling a new fighting game a “Street Fighter II” ripoff.

    • Atmosphere is so overlooked in modern horror. It’s the anticipation that makes me uneasy. The Shining still scares me with those tracking shots as danny rides his trike down the long hallways… I need the camera to speed up when he turns a corner and disappears for a second. If the best ‘scares’ a movie has are the loud noises made by the orchestra, it fails so hard.

      • it was the damn ominous booming monotonous music in the shining that did me in. whenever i’m in a slightly sketchy situation in life, like biking alone at night in a bad neighborhood, the record player in my brain cues that up, just to make sure i get extra sweaty and creeped out.

    • It’s a GHOSTWATCH rip off actually. You sound really ignorant when you keep on crediting ‘the blair s*it project’ with that much influence.

  8. Wtf @ 1:30?

  9. Also, can we reserve our hate for hack filmmakers looking for nothing but a paycheck instead of ambitious young first-timers looking to break in with something fresh? Give the little guys a chance! But then again, I’ve been told that’s what socialism is…
    Never mind. Thank you, Gabe, for standing up to those pinko-commie liberals and their oligarhy plot to destroy our country! Nazi Muslim Fascism Kenya! USA!

  10. I liked the Blair Witch Project because it seemed like this great refreshing film based entirely on suspense and the unseen at a time when the scary movie trend was all Slaughterhouse-1995 with teenagers getting gutted left and right and no finesse whatsoever, but now the “spooky documentary” seems like just another boring genre for studios with no money and a dumb audience. Maybe it’s not fair to invoke Hitchcock or Argento for a throwaway movie like this, but I wish more horror films valued super-tight camerawork and impeccable cinematography and original plots and crescendos of suspense and scarce-but-strategically-placed gore.

    • There was nothing fresh about ‘The Blair Witch Project’ actually. It was done back in the 70′s with a film called ‘Cannibal Holocaust’. I found ‘witch’ to be a yawn inducing, cliche ridden piece of junk with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. In fact ‘witch’ didn’t just rip off ‘Cannibal’ but also a British TV show {made in 1992} called ‘Ghostwatch’ which was highly superior. Watch it and you’ll see the similarities. The film makers admitted to viewing it before they made ‘witch’. The Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity are not original. Thety have both been done before – and more importantly, done better!

  11. This could be scary! I’ll see this. I really hope this does well, since I didn’t see a single dismembered limb or meat hook.

    • Im with you. Normally, I wouldn’t be able to suspend my disbelief (“from meathooks”) when it comes to horror movies, but I’m willing to give it a shot…pending some decent reviews.

  12. Well, I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree. Different strokes we are the world. Yes, I’ve been a horror nut my entire life, so when I sit down in that theater, I want to be scared, and maybe I try to talk myself into it. But I’d rather hold on to that child-like wonder and fear than constantly pick apart every inconsistency and mistake I see. It’s far from critical-minded, but sometimes I just want to sit in a dark room and have someone fuck with my emotions.

  13. quadruple x  |   Posted on Sep 17th, 2009 +5

    It’s OK, laugh it up now. I’ll admit, the commercials haven’t really been selling this right (but I admire their restraint in now giving away what this movie really is about), so OK, poke your fun. But I saw it a test screening a year ago, and I guarantee you will be one of the pants-shitters when you eventually see it.

  14. that trailer is weird. the obvious photoshopping of the night vision audience over the full color movie screen bothered me, but that’s not terribly important.

    yes the movie looks scary, i’ll probably go see it (weeks after it comes out- i don’t need to sit next to people throwing popcorn yelling out OH SHIT, YOUNG! srsly, NEVER see a horror movie the first few weeks it comes out in NYC).

    but i won’t be screaming like the idiots in the test audience. did they pick people who had never seen horror movies before? the last time i recoiled in horror in my theater seat was at Arachnophobia when i was 11!

  15. Gabe is shitting all over this trailer because im the one who tipped it. Gabe, you can dump on videos I think look cool and rob me of my tip credit all you want, but I will not be baited into a mindless troll rant. I’m done. For reals.

    But if you guys want to see a truly scary movie go rent “Drag Me To Hell” . You silly Americans slept on that shit, but it’s the real deal Hollyfield. Just classic, classic master filmmaking from a director who has perfected his craft. It’s not mindless gore (which the title probably had some people confused about), rather escalating suspense and frights in the vain of Hitchcock.

    You’ll thank me.

    *disclaimer* – Justin Long is in it and while I want to hate him with every fiber of my being, the dude really works hard in his roles. Respect.

    • when you say “slept on that shit” you mean “saw it in the theater and geeked out about it for days on end with your friends,” right?

    • “silly Americans” – BANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL.
      but seriously, take 2cc’s of chill pill and 150cc’s of mario kart becuz you are wildn’out.

    • I recently saw Drag Me to Hell.I didn’t think that I was going to like it but I did. It was a fun movie. I didn’t think it fit the so scary you have to go to sleep with the light on category. It was more of a funny/creepy movie. The scene with the talking goat makes me Lots of Love so hard. I also liked how the the film was very colorful and bright unlike other horror movies that are almost all in the inky blue black or greenish color palette.

  16. langford  |   Posted on Sep 17th, 2009 +7

    I fucking loved the Muppet Babies.

  17. Yeah, props (because those mean a lot to you and everyone) to That One.

    You guys, this horror movie is NOT going to be another excuse for Hollywood execs to kill Paris Hilton on-screen while the good-looking ones survive the bag-masked stranger-orphan-child in their underwear and when they wake up it was just a dream but then Freddy Krueger killed them in it anyway (inside a flooding carwash). This is an indepedently made film. And I know it’s all cool/hot(/whatever the socially acceptable temperature descripition is fashionable for the kids these days) to get on our soapboxes about movie studios butchering everything (mostly literally) to turn a profit, and how we’re all so sick of it, but the arguments about Hollywood horror shlop are a little misdirected here. Paramount got the rights to this one, and, for once, decided to leave it as is instead of remaking it, and relseased it commercially after it screened to pants-crapping reviews at a bunch of festivals.

    Also, the premise of the movie is NOT that it is a depiction of true events. The ‘home footage’ narrative tool is just that.

    I sound all fired up about this movie, but I guess I am actually just really looking forward to ‘Paranormal Activity’. Apparently the anticipation is so well-built in it. It’s been too long since we’ve had a really good horror movie; I just wanna be happy for this one.

  18. The Blair Witch Audience

  19. so the ghost waited to do stuff till the cameras were filming?
    would that make the ghost is an “attention horror”?
    PS
    that is the greatest thing i’ve EVER written.

  20. The teaser trailer for the spanish movie [REC] was based on this same principle of showing the audience. But it didn’t show any footage of the film. It was therefore very much scarier – unless the movie ;-)

  21. Diamond Dog  |   Posted on Sep 18th, 2009 -3

    Yo yo Imma let you finish in a minute… but you know uh just saying Beyonce had the best scariest movie EVER. The best EVER!”.
    I’ll be waiting for you Kanye.

  22. Brandon Doe  |   Posted on Sep 18th, 2009 0

    Paranormal Acitiviy looks like it will be good but at the same time it looks lilke complete BS lol I mean in that audience pic about it looks like its from the 1970′s…..I highly doubt people in CA in Sep. of this year would dress like that…secondly, its a hollywood film…ANYTHING could happen…..and third, like someone above said, its convient how the “ghost” only does things when the camera is on and filming…conviently, they come out with this movie now…conviently, they wait till its on camera to go see a therapist….hmph….rather convient huh? you wanna see some real scary stuff? look up that video about the Fallen Angel in Spain then read the Bible and look at the world of current politics…..thats scary…..google North American Union and watch the videos about that and the RFID chip…..worried about paranormal bs? ha! its nothing compared to what the real concerns are

  23. Judy   |   Posted on Sep 25th, 2009 -1

    You guys! I saw this movie last night and I am cynical and suspicious and also I love horror movies – but it REALLY is that scary! People in the theater were really doing the stuff they are doing in the trailer because it was that scary!

  24. i totally agree!!! i love horror movies and so i heard abou this movie and i was so disapointed i could have made a better movie at my house with ony $100 dollar budget. i can slam sum doors and flick the lights off, i waited in line for 3.5 hours and for another blair witch movie, there was no need for the screeming me and my family were snoring.

  25. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM?!?!?!?!?

    GABE’S COMPLAINING AGAIN!!!!!!

    (This movie was great. Judging it by the trailer sounds like something little bitches do. Open me a can of baby tears, Gabe.)

  26. I love how it is rated R for language.

  27. my favorite part was listening to the scared tweens who barely made curfew to get into the late showing…and my dumb sister who thought it was real. anything made by paramount is not real. and gee, the actors playing their own selves was a real shoe-in for what exactly? whatever you do don’t watch the bootlegged alternative ending…it blows. as for the theatrical release, i think it had good intentions but tried too hard and disappointed. worth seeing for the ending though. find some pussy friends and fuck with em.

  28. This movie was crap. Honestly you need to watch ‘GHOSTWATCH’, the TV show that ‘Paranormal Activity AND The Blair Witch Project’ ripped off! Only then will you understand the meaning of terrifying.

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