Last night’s Academy Awards was probably the most exciting one I have ever seen, which doesn’t mean that it wasn’t the most boring thing I’ve ever seen, but it was less boring than how boring the other ones were. There were two good movies that I wanted to win prizes (that’s what I consider the most prestigious industry accolade given out by the American movie industry, “a prize”), and there was one movie that I really didn’t want to win any of the prizes. Sound familiar?

Won’t you join me for a journey into Trying Too Hard Metaphorland?

He’s quirky, he took everyone by surprise, and he talks in the awkward way an old person talks when he’s trying to appeal to young people. In the end, he feels comfortable, but you know he’s not the best, and the fact that he’s even nominated as such is kind of insulting.

Starting with just a handful of avid supporters, he picked up steam and became a national front runner for the top prize. For awhile, it actually seemed like this off-beat, aggressively unusual candidate just might be able to take it. But ultimately he is probably too dark.

She’s blessed by the industry from beginning to end. She was assumed from the day she was released to be a virtually unbeatable candidate. And you know what? She just crushed it at the Academy Awards if you carry this semi-retarded metaphor to its logical conclusion.