As you may have heard, Ellen Degeneres, America’s sweetheart, made a pretty big announcement on her show yesterday:

Whoops. That isn’t it. Don’t get me wrong, Ellen Degeneres playing mother nature in some stupid movie is really exciting (not really exciting). But that is definitely not what her big announcement yesterday was. Hold on. Oh, here it is:

Damn it! Wrong announcement again! I have a feeling that I see where this is going!

Seriously, though, as a 64-year-old man, I do not watch Ellen’s talk show, but is it all just segments in which she talks about OTHER things she is doing? Sounds awesome. Your mom is like “I can’t wait to hear about Ellen’s additional sources of income besides the source of income that she dedicates to talking about her additional sources of income.”


Anyway, Ellen is going to be the next judge on American Idol (another show I don’t watch, because watching American Idol isn’t going to tell me when a storm’s a-coming. That is what my bones do!)

Congratulations, Ellen! You are charming and often sweetly funny! Good for you! We all have to put food on our Portia de Rossis. And good luck. You have some pretty big drugs to fill (Paula Abdul is on drugs).

Comments (28)
  1. Am I alone on the Huh? Express here? I mean, I also don’t watch American Idol, but I don’t really see Ellen as being the right type of person for this job.

    • No I’m with you. Not that I watch a lot of American Idol (I watch no American Idol) but this doesn’t seem to be making any sense at all to me.

    • IT’S CALLED credibility KING, haven’t YOU SEEN all that DANCING SHE DOES on her show?! GIRL KNOWS WHAT you need TO MAKE it IN THE music INDUSTRY!

      WAIT WHAT THE FUCK did I just SAY?!

  2. At least Paula Abdul found peace after The Gathering Of The Juggalos. And, I’m glad Jake Busey has some extra work, too! Wait, that’s not Jake Busey…?

  3. Is she going to make all of the contestants dance their way out on stage?

  4. Um Ellen can’t you use your amazing powers of endorsement and bring back Arrested Development for Portia?!?!?!?! …please?

    • Portia already has another Emmy nominated sitcom, Better Off Ted. We’re going to have to hold out for the movie instead.

  5. Ellen was a guest judge on So You Think You Can a couple months ago. She was terrible. I mean, yes, she was totally adorable and kind of funny, but she came out with these canned jokes and really had nothing to say about the performances except that they were all good. I suppose it will still be a step up from Paula Abdul, but a very tiny step.

  6. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • I guess I would expect someone with the name HateGrime to make the joke faggygum?

      • Right?? HateGrime, accordingly to the rules of homosexuality and Internet, you have less than two hours to claim that “I’m gay, so it’s okay.”

        P.S. Gabe the plural is “Portiae di Rossi.”

    • Your comment makes me sad.

    • YOU ARE THE worst FUCKIN cat I HAVE ever met. NO MILK FOR you!

    • How do people like this keep finding their way to Vgum? There should be some kind of monster application process. I mean, being a monster is good. Being a hateful asshole is not. (I am completely aware of the paradoxical nature of that statement.)

    • hategrime is totally a gay dude. my wifi gaydar has all four bars. also, i know a pretty butch gay dude who watches the hell out of american idol, so there’s some corroborating evidence right there. case closed, guys.

      also, i thought it was funny when he said that lesbians where old spice. not all of them, obvs! but some probably do because they like some things that dudes like! it was pretty funny, superprotectiveofeveryone’scivilrightsgum!

  7. “We all have to put food on our Portia de Rossis”
    The visual on this made me snarf my v8.

  8. I, though slightly ashamed, do watch American Idol, and Ellen’s show. She is a ‘huge fan’ of American Idol and always has the contestants on her talk show. During the AI season, she spends a handful of time just speaking of the show. I’m not sure exactly how she fits in between the rest of the music-related judges, but my guess is they just wanted a big name like Ellen and came up with some bullshit excuse why to have her as a judge (that she is the person buying the music? What?). And of course Ellen is an avid fan, and said yes.

    It doesn’t make a ton of sense, but I’m not against it at all. Ellen is a fun woman to watch, and she’ll bring a lot of laughs to an other wise “srs biz” show.

    Also: Bring back Arrested Development *please*

  9. All she’s gotta do is replace Paula. How hard can it be? Not drool on Simon?

  10. man, ellen’s delivery seems like such a ripoff of jon stewart’s and david letterman’s.

    • i think ellen was being ellen-y long before jon stewart’s jon stewart-y-ness was a matter for public discussion. just saying, she’s old skool, from a stand up perspective.

      also, apparently the monsters really don’t like anyone speaking ill of ellen, as evidenced by your negative score for this comment. i would love to do an anthropological study of the monsters, with their likes and dislikes. so strange and silly!

      • yeah, i mean, i’m familiar with her standup, but the pauses she takes in this video are positively stewart-esque.

        whatever, it was just an observation.

  11. This may make watching small snippets of the show whilst switching channels and hearing about different boring news about it on my favorite blogs bearable. HOORAY, ELLEN!

  12. Ah yes. This makes the kind of sense that is not.

  13. This is confusing. Ellen is very funny, but no matter how hard she’ll try, nothing she makes up can ever match the idiotic brilliance that was drug-addled Paula.

  14. realpaid  |   Posted on Sep 12th, 2009 0

    Wow the CROWEDD sure went nuts.

  15. I do not like this Ghost of Da Cake Eatur schtick. Why are you haunting us!

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