It is a shame that someone thought it would be funny to denigrate the noble sport of horse racing by naming their horse Hoof Hearted. That is not funny, sir, it is disgusting. To think of all the respect that the sport has earned over the years, casually thrown away on the adolescent whim of a man-child. The fellows at the local OTB can hardly even finish their brown-paper-bags of rotgut whiskey and malt liquor. Their shame and disgust at this betrayal from one of their own is almost enough to make them put down their chits and go home to their families. Almost. They’ll take their chances that the next horses have more noble names. Cheesecake Pie, and Doctor Mouth, and Little Balls. They’ll keep gambling for today, in their tattered suits and their smeared coveralls, but please be more careful. Ah, if you’ll excuse me, Tony just threw up in one of the cashier window pass-throughs. I think I’ve made my point, gentlemen. (Thanks for the tip, Becca.)

Comments (19)
  1. You know what the jockey did as a reaction though? He stood up on some visually hidden crate and then knocked everything over before jumping off. It was so dramatic!

  2. I agree with Gabe on this one. We should all call up the National Steeplechase Association and demand an investigation. Ask for Mike Hunt.

  3. In the next race, I lost my kid’s college money on a filly named Ice Melted.

  4. This fellows at the local OTB:

  5. Next, If Mandy Patankin Was a Horse comes in. Bringing up the rear, Ol’ Felcher! And that’s how the race was run!

    • I love it.

      • Thank you. I figured I was reaching out to a limited audience (those familiar with obscure Mr. Show references), but I thought, “If I could touch just one little boy or girl’s heart with ‘Ol’ Felcher,’ it’d be worth it.”

  6. The only way to remedy this situation is to begin to pronounce hoof the way it’s supposed to be pronounced: HUF

  7. A horse named Mike Hunt came in second place.

  8. Myke Hawk lost a lot of money on that outcome.

  9. my horse’s name is UNDETERRED.

    (get it? because it has both UNDIE and TURD in it. good stuff, right?)

  10. It’s also said, in addition to that nice profile, she has a nice “personality.” Knowhutimean? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.

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