Vampire Bill goes to see the Vampire Queen, who is played by Evan Rachel Wood. She is either a terrible actress, or a great actress who is using all of her talent to match the tone of this terrible show. I’m pretty sure it’s the former, though. She is in the middle of eating. Bill is like “is now a bad time,” and she says “there is no such thing as bad, and no such thing as time for that matter.” She has a point. “Is now a bad time?” is a silly question for a vampire to ask another vampire. Unless, of course, Evan Rachel Wood had said “yes, because I am going to be late for my acting classes, I’m trying to get better at acting.” If I was Evan Rachel Wood I would be mad, too, because you know the only reason they asked her to be on this show is because she used to fuck Marilyn Manson (i.e. she knows monsters). Either that, or Rose McGowan was unavailable. She has longer and thicker fangs (is what she said) than a lot of the other vampires, which I’m sure has something to do with her being a Vampire Queen. Alan Ball and his friends probably had like 10 meetings about what a Vampire Queen’s fangs should look like. Next time they should take that time to find a better actress than Evan Rachel Wood. I’m sorry, she was just really bad.

Vampire Bill is like “I need to know how to kill a Maenad,” because that’s a thing that is said on this show now. It’s not even the most ridiculous line of dialog in the episode (that award goes to “I almost got raped in Dallas, but this is so much worse”). But the Vampire Queen won’t tell him how to kill a Maenad yet, because she wants to play Yahtzee. You know how Vampire Queens can get about their parlor games. She demands that Bill stay the day, and he has to, because of some unspoken rule about vampires and Vampire Queens and demands and tiny, tiny indoor swimming pools.

Meanwhile, Tara wants to go save Eggs (a character whose name is Eggs), but Sookie and Lafayette and Tara’s mom won’t let her. She can’t believe they would all stand in her way of having love. Huh? Everyone at this point is pretty clear on the fact that Marianne is an immortal mythological being with the power to control entire towns with her shake-face, and Tara has absolutely no plan as to how she is going to rescue Eggs. She clearly hasn’t thought this through. Lafayette handcuffs her to a coffee table, which seems like a really pointless thing to handcuff someone to. “How will I ever escape from this three-foot-wide, 10 pound prison made of wicker?” Eventually, Tara convinces her mom that if she lets her go she will love her again and forgive her for being an alcoholic, so her mom tricks Lafayette into giving her the shotgun (oh yeah, Lafayette is out on the porch with a shotgun), and she points it at him and Sookie and demands that they free Tara. Lafayette goes into PTSD shock and also has a hallucination that Vampire Eric is the one pointing the gun at him. Huh?

Unhandcuffed, Tara asks Sookie to give her the keys to her car, and Sookie does? I guess the idea is that if Sookie doesn’t give her the keys, Tara will ask her mom to shoot her best friend in the face? Because couldn’t she just say “no, I won’t give you the keys?” But she does give her the keys. And Tara leaves. But Tara’s mom keeps pointing the shotgun at Lafayette? Who is her nephew? Nice family. Sookie throws an ashtray at her head.

Sam and Jason and Andy Bellefleur are busy cleaning up Merlotte’s after the Zombie Holocaust of last week, because when the entire world is collapsing on your head, the most important thing to do is clean a restaurant. Sam sees someone peering in the window, and he goes out to see who it is, like, “who’s there? It’s OK, no one’s going to hurt you.” Uh, considering that last week there was a gigantic mob coming to take you away, don’t you think you’d be a little bit more cautious about wandering around in the woods by yourself just because you saw someone? That someone could have a knife or a burlap sack! Sam is stupid. But it is kids. So you know what that means: SANDWICH TIME!

Jason and Andy go to the sheriff’s station and get guns, lots of guns. But no blow jobs.

Sam and the kids go to Fangtasia to see if Vampire Eric can help defeat Marianne. Eric is like “why would I help you,” and then he is like “OK, I’ll help you.” Hard bargain. Also, how does Eric know Sam? And how does he know that Sam is a shape-shifter? Did I forget how they know each other? Or did this show just make up a new relationship? Because if there is one thing this show loves, it is jut making stuff up on the spot. Like, just as an example, Eric says that if he is going to help them, he will have to leave right away (vampires are always having to leave right away, I’ve noticed), and then he LAUNCHES INTO THE SKY. Eric can fly now? This show is like a ‘No Fear’ t-shirt, except instead of ‘No Fear’ it’s ‘No Rules.’ Different words, same terrible.

Tara walks in and Marianne is like “ah, there you are,” and Tara is like “I’m taking Eggs (Eggs!) and we’re leaving.” That ought to do it. Marianne will probably just take off now. Marianne goes all shake-face on her her, and Tara is like “that shit doesn’t work on me anymore.” It doesn’t? Why doesn’t it work on you anymore? Oh right, I almost forgot about this show and the making everything up at random. So Marianne punches her in the face and that DOES still work on her. So Tara is possessed again already. That was quick.

Bill is finally released from his Yahtzee Prison and heads back to Bone Temps in order to make Marianne think she is about to get fucked by a God who doesn’t exist so that he can kill her (ugh, it hurts even just trying to come up with sentences that describe what this show thinks it is about, not to mention even trying to make sense of it). On the way out he runs into Eric, who just flew there and boy are his arm[gunshot]. Eric is going to go talk to the Vampire Queen about how to kill a Maenad. These guys should compare notes. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel (of killing Maenads) each time, Vampires!

Sookie and Lafayette go to Sookie’s Grandma’s/Sookie’s/Marianne’s house to rescue Tara. Again with the barging in on an immortal beast with no game plan whatsoever? These guys should all go to Good Ideas University to work on their ideas. Sookie walks inside and lays on the ground with some dude? Curled up with him? For a long time? Just making zombie pillow talk? I don’t know. Later she hits the guy in the head with a frying pan, which is a really good way to kill someone. Just blunt force trauma to the front of the head. Perfect. He’s probably dead. Meanwhile, Lafayette sees Marianne and shoots her in the head, but she deflects the bullet and it kills Carl. I’m not sure how holding up a hand in front of you ends up deflecting a bullet backwards. It’s that crazy Maenad magic. Then she is like “oh well, Carl is dead,” and she approaches Lafayette and you just know he is about to get shake-faced and that is why I have been saying they should have come up with a plan first. Sookie finds Tara and Eggs making a nest in a bed for a giant egg.

A GIANT EGG! And then Sookie sees Lafayette with his black zombie eyes and she screams for some reason. Why is she screaming? She really should have seen that one coming. Everyone else did.

Two weeks: season finale, fucking finally.

Comments (36)
  1. “different words, same terrible” love it. I think we found our tag line for Bad Boys 3

  2. God, that gif. I’m having brutal flashbacks of Heroes.

  3. Flying vampires pedophiles. Good thinking, True Blood writers. I hope you get all the awards. For writing. Because writing talent is something you guys possess. In spades. And Yahtzees.

  4. at least we know sookie will choose Eric in Season 5, he can fly! also, y doesnt bill just wait til night to travel across the country… he must really like those casket seats, or airplanes

  5. How do you guys hate this show? You realize it has vampires, right?

  6. chasgoose  |   Posted on Aug 31st, 2009 +1

    We should get those Gathering Storm people to make a PSA imploring people to THINK OF THE CHILDREN when they consider becoming a depraved black-eyed Maenad zombie.

  7. As soon as Eric flew off into the sky (because of course that’s a thing that happens on this show), I knew there’d be a gif waiting for all of us on Videogum today.

  8. Clearly it was a second shooter on a grassy knoll that killed Carl. My money is on Rene, cause he’d make the most sense.

    Also, “teacup humans” was funny.


  10. Yahtzee!!!!!!!

  11. This show tried to make sense of itself last night, and it totally became a fucking chore. “She’s immortal because she believes herself to be. Duh, evolution, Vampire Bill.” What? No! This does not fucking work that way. I could go on about this (and I did but I think Videogum broke when I posted it), but this show made 0 sense last night and was headache inducing. The whole “well at least this is funny” thing disappeared, and it just all went to shit. Ugh.

  12. RaisinBran  |   Posted on Aug 31st, 2009 +6

    Don’t forget! Lithuanians have the freshest blood! The more you know (I don’t want to know anymore).

  13. I still love this show and all its million stupid things (I’m rounding up) because even when Eric’s wearing clothes, he looks hot. Also, Sam imprints on things. Meta humour is meta now.

  14. ‘he just flew in and boy are his arms [gunshot].’ Lots of Love over here. I just started watching this show, totally out of order with friends here & there and wow am I glad it’s not just me that doesn’t get it. It’s oddly watchable, and also huh? wtf just happened and why and HUH? I’m glad it’s not just me not getting it. There is nothing to get. Vampire logic.

  15. eb  |   Posted on Aug 31st, 2009 +1

    This show is like a ‘No Fear’ t-shirt, except instead of ‘No Fear’ it’s ‘No Rules.’ Different words, same terrible.


  16. I liked when they did the rack focus from Sookie to the tiki ashtray and the audience was like, “how could Sookie be thinking about smoking a mango-flavored clove cigarette at a time like this?”

    But then a few minutes later she threw it so hard at Tara’s mom.

  17. Alexandra  |   Posted on Aug 31st, 2009 +3

    Watching ERW act is like watching someone in a high school play attempt to be coy. Nay, the *understudy* in a high school play attempt to be coy.

  18. ok can’t we all just put on our FOTS honesty rings for one minute and admit that yea this show is ridiculous but it can’t be any crazier than what they show on the sci-fi channel (although to be fair that network is run by cyborgs and hubots).. im just sayin it ain’t so bad for a fantasy based tv show.. plus eric is muy caliente

    • No it is really bad because it can’t even explain away where things come from in any slightly logical way. Like, even bad sci fi shit tries to operate by rules, but this show just makes them up as they go! And, to be fair, there is plenty of shitty stuff on SyFy that makes up rules as it goes, but 6 million people do not watch it.

  19. Also: Does anyone else find it amusing that Eggs was making a nest for an egg? Double whammy!


  21. Evan Rachel Wood is to True Blood as Michael McDonald is to Grizzly Bear. Wait wait wait. Grizzly Bear is actually pretty good and Michael McDonald is…well…Michael McDonald. This show stinks.

  22. jwormyk  |   Posted on Aug 31st, 2009 +2

    I read the books in a week while lifeguarding at an empty pool. Thats how I describe the books to people. The show was good, it got kind of bad, and last nights episode was completely and utterly terrible.

  23. Because y’all ain’t gonna do it, I’m gonna have to step in now to defend Evan Rachel Wood’s honor. Now, I’m not doing this because she’s GORGEOUS (she is) or because I’m in love with her (I am), but because she’s actually a pretty decent actress. This show, obviously, is retarded, so this ain’t the best light to see her in.

  24. but we can all agree that Eric in that suit was worth like 9 handjobs and blowj, right?

  25. jess  |   Posted on Aug 31st, 2009 0

    I actually think the show is pretty good but Evan Rachel Wood sucks as Queen Sophie. I’m surprised to write this because I used to consider her a good actress, but she brings nothing to the role and is way too stiff. She is probably more well-known than most of the cast but they all acted circles around her. I hope they recast her for season three.

  26. Nicole  |   Posted on Aug 31st, 2009 0

    Evan Rachel Wood was terrible. Overact much?

  27. I like how Evan Rachel Wood brings up the fact that she hasn’t had pop pop with a man since ‘the Reagan Era’ or whatever the fuck ALL THE TIME, and then in the preview for the next episode she’s making out with Eric. Maybe he put on Tara’s mom’s clothes and she all got confused.

  28. getting all “shake face” is one of my new favorite things.

  29. Evan Rachel Wood was terrible in that jukebox musical where they hammer Beetles lyrics into a “plot” and then rape them. What was that called? Mamma Mia? Hmm… they all run together…
    REGARDLESS>> Watched this with my spouse and we both agree it was the worst. Also he would not believe me when I said she was ERW and was all: ?That can?t be her; I thought she was one of those not awful actresses.? and I?ve only seen her in this, Across the Universe, and Practical Magic so, as far as that, she?s 0 for three.

  30. KeepinItLikeTheBook  |   Posted on Sep 1st, 2009 0

    I’ve read all the books and I like them. Yes, sometimes she puts in way too much information, but I like the story. It makes sense. I just don’t think they should have went as far away from the books as they have. An egg? The Queen isn’t even in the 2nd book from what I remember. And FOR SURE Sookie doesn’t have a glowing hand. I just don’t see how they’re going to make the rest of the books fit together, if they’re even still going off the books.

  31. blundht  |   Posted on Sep 1st, 2009 +2

    Sam met Eric when he and Pam came into the bar in season 1 at some point. And Eric helps him to look good in front of Sookie, I expect.

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