Did you know that the VH1 reality show Tool Academy did really well? It did. At the very least, it did well enough to get a second season. Personally, I don’t get it. I mean, the show sounded promising, but did you actually watch it? That show was the fakiest fake faker in all of Fake Town. Supposedly the show featured real-life (heterosexual) couples whose girlfriends were sick and tired of their boyfriends tool-ish behavior, and had brought them on the show to give them one last chance to change their behavior (and also to win $15,000 and whatever Craft Services had left over). But, um, one couple had never slept together? Yeah, right. I mean, I respect people who have decided to forgo sex until marriage, or whatever, but these were not those people. Personal integrity and the search for a more meaningful life does not smell like Axe bodyspray. And then there was that other couple where the girlfriend decided she didn’t want to be on the show anymore, so she left, but another girl came and was like “it turns out I am the one who always loved Steve, I am his real girlfriend,” and the therapist (HA!) was like “Steve, is this your real girlfriend for real?” and Steve was like “sorry, yeah, it turns out she’s my girlfriend.” So he got to stay on the show? WHAT? And it’s not like VH1 reality TV shows are particularly believable to begin with, but this show really was very unbelievable!

And now it is going to be more unbelievable.

The thing is, the conceit in the first season was that the men were going to be on a show called The Search For Mr. Awesome, and then once they got to the house a switcheroo (that’s an industry term) was pulled on them and they found out they were in the Tool Academy and everyone got Harry Potter But For Tools blazers. (Things, of course, got more complicated when the winner of Tool Academy was crowned Mr. Awesome? So in the end it turns out they kind of were on a show about the search for Mr. Awesome? Don’t think about it too much.) But that only really works for one season, right? Because the next season they’re like “we want you to be on a show called Joe Is Really a Millionaire This Time,” and even dummies are like “something about this as also in addition to seems not like what that is in my brain saying right thing.”

Then again, perhaps it is the very nature of the people on whom this show depends that they don’t put two and two together (what do you mean, “it’s four”? What’s “four”?). They’re tools, right? Even more complicated, of course, is that most of them probably do know and just don’t care? Because their goal in life is the same as everyone’s goal in life (not everyone’s goal in life) to be on television at any cost, no matter how injurious to one’s dignity and self-respect. “You want me to drink puke out of a toilet and call my girlfriend a prostitution whore? And you’re telling me this will be on basic cable? WHERE DO I DIP MY FIST IN INK AND SMASH IT INTO YOUR CONTRACT?” And then other tools will see it and think “why is that tool on TV? I’m as big of a tool as he is.” And boom, season 3 in the works. It is a self-perpetuating machine, really. Just like Villard de Honnecourt always dreamed of. (Via VH1 Blog.)

Comments (22)
  1. I can’t wait for “Tool Academy: Gathering of the Juggalos Edition”

  2. HAHAHA!!! Those are serious LOL’s right there. How did I not know this exists?

  3. Can’t wait to get the DVD and watch the extras, am I right?

  4. How did they find contestants? Wasn’t the point of Tool Academy I to cleanse the world of all tools?

  5. The one place on the planet that could change them? No, VH1. You’ve forgotten about jail. Jails are all over the planet and would really, really change them.

  6. I wish the girlfriends could also be on a companion show called Low Self-Esteem Academy.

  7. Go easy on the tools guys, they do have feelings. Feelings that cannot just be FIXED.

  8. The cast of Tool Academy 3:

  9. This challenge totally is like shows like what’s wrong in our relationship.

  10. Did that one girl mean “I, like, hate you” or “I like/hate you”? Cause there’s a big difference…

  11. I am so embarrassed :( If I was a poor person from a poor country and I saw this I would come over to America and MESS SHIT UP.

  12. Eric  |   Posted on Aug 20th, 2009 +2

    New game: count how many times the word “babe” is used in one episode. Bonus game: can you name all the different colored bandannas that appear in an episode? Better yet, change the channel.

  13. “Like, this challenge totally, like, shows what’s wrong in our relationship”

  14. AndHobo  |   Posted on Aug 20th, 2009 0

    So which contestant will be the first to commit a first degree felony and flee to Canada? My money is on the guy who put the cigarette out on his own face. Or his girlfriend. yeah probably his girlfriend.

  15. zik  |   Posted on Aug 20th, 2009 +5

    Man, remember in 1992 (I know 90% of you weren’t born yet but just go with me here) when VH1 was like the calm, adult version of MTV you would sometimes make fun of because of how boringly lame it was? I miss those days.

  16. Look on the bright side guys, if all these dick holes are in one place, they aren’t bugging the shit out of any of us… even if it is for a few short weeks.

  17. i know one of the dudes on this show. heard about it back during the winter. if all the stories lamb told everyone are in the show. we are in for a funny tv show people.

  18. oh you’ve got it all wrong. it’s not fake. Leah was pissed to the highest pissitivity!

    AND its obviously not fake because you can SUBMIT your significant others via interwebz!

    perfect. that means theres gonna be a season 3. there is a god.

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