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A company called Tantus has made a dildo for Twilight enthusiasts (a dildo for children, basically?). It is called The Vamp. Of course, they can’t say that it is a Twilight-themed dildo because of FASCIST COPYRIGHT LAWS. So they have to beat around the bush (get it? You get it). From the website (emphases mine):

The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire’s design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon‘s glow. Don’t be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling to you in the twilight. But don’t save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle.

The Vamp is a web only exclusive offering through TantusInc.com for $39.99. We are currently taking pre-orders for this one of a kind toy. We will be shipping them first come first serve starting 9/1/09. Don’t let this eclipse pass into the breaking dawn, place your order today.

“Don’t let this eclipse pass into the breaking dawn” is up for the grand prize at the Seamless Awards. They make it look so easy! Ugh. And this, of course, is the best (worst) part:

Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.

Toss it in the fridge? I AM NOT SURE THAT THEY HAVE REFRIGERATORS IN JAIL. Why don’t they just say what they really mean:

For people who want to fuck teenagers with frozen dicks who can fly.

That’s what this is, right? “You don’t understand, Edward Cullen is hundreds of years old.” No, you don’t understand. This is gross, and you are a grown up. Stop. Just stop it. (Via ONTD.)

Comments (60)
  1. That seems about right.

  2. 0_o I think I just barfed up a vital internal organ.
    Oh wait, it’s just my appendix. Never mind.

  3. I actually just covered my eyes like your Mom did when she first heard you talking about sex. Keep trying, Videogum, to totally rid me of any desire to have sex. KEEP TRYING.

  4. My vice is a teenage-vampire dildo, so I made you a bowl of the gruel they served me in JAIL.

  5. Is it delivered by Chris Hansen?

  6. Why are people keeping their dildos in their refrigerators? Please do not let me ever find a dildo in someone’s refrigerator. Especially if I’m over for dinner.

  7. That’s the peak of fame I guess… :/

  8. I’m just holding out for a “Jacob” werewolf model. 10 inches long and covered in coarse animal hair.

    • I want to see the “jacob” from lost dildo, Really old and impossible to find. Side effects include: seeing your dead father and sister.

      • Richard Alpert  |   Posted on Aug 20th, 2009 +5

        Is it in the cabin? what cabin? I don’t see any cabin. Is the cabin gone? Oh, well in that case you should probably look at the base of that giant foot. That’s where I would look. you can go in yourself, I’ll wait outside. What do you mean its all burnt up? Uh-Oh. I guess Boblo is back.

  9. Mustard, batteries, Arm & Hammer, Vamp.

  10. I read a short story in the New Yorker (I always read the New Yorker and also drive a hybrid powered by electricity and inflated feelings of self-satisfaction) and a girl uses her roommates dildo to stir her coffee. And this isn’t part of the plot or even written as if it is a remarkable thing to do. Obviously this author frequently stirs her coffee with other peoples dildos. That’s a thing, right?

    • Oh hahaha I remember that one. If memory serves, her roommate had given her the dildo, so she really was stirring coffee with her own fake penis. So it was only slightly less weird.

    • write to me,
      stick stickly
      p.o. box 963
      new york city
      new york state
      1
      01
      08!

      is this the first step towards the sexual commercialization of everything? how long before i can purchase the stick stickly model?

  11. Yuck, Tantus should all be given the shaft and sent straight to jail.

  12. From the makers of The Hangover Fake Vagina…

  13. nothing like a deathly cold fake cock sliding in and out of you.

  14. My biggest problem with this is the notion that people should be taking this out into the sunlight. No, that is not what you do, even with a regular dildo that isn’t based around the sexual fantasies of a repressed Mormon goth.

  15. This still doesn’t beat the Harry Potter Broomstick:

    http://www.cwfa.org/articles/753/CFI/cfreport/

  16. You know, I’d like to think that masturbating in public with a refrigerated dildo would be too extreme for even the most dedicated vampire fans. On the other hand, this might be the tip of the iceberg. Who knows what Team Edward is using to fuck themselves?

  17. this is going to make millions. well done.

  18. It’ll be the next thing banned at your high school.

  19. this is what your girlfriend really wants.

  20. Next they’ll be making a blow-up Bella that clings to you and has four pre-programmed phrases expressing inadequacy.

  21. OMG, come on, that is SOOOOOOOO not what a vampire dick looks like. Tantus, you got it all wrong!

  22. Mabuk  |   Posted on Aug 20th, 2009 +1

    Your days are numbered, little ‘good will cunting’ pocket rocket…

  23. Ice cold, just the way I like it (and that’s not even a little bit creepy right guys/ladies?)

  24. Shaun  |   Posted on Aug 21st, 2009 +5

    It only works when you’re on your period.

  25. A Cocksicle sounds pretty refreshing right about now.

  26. Tim  |   Posted on Aug 21st, 2009 +3

    I kind of feel bad for the first person who found this. It’s one of those things where you have to share it with someone because it is too hilarious not to, but it is also one of those things that you only find while dildo shopping.

  27. Gullible Teen Ager  |   Posted on Aug 22nd, 2009 0

    OMG I chopped that up and put it in the salad… you said it was a winter cucumber… and that it was totally natural that it was chewy…. WTF… game over man game over…

  28. Emmylou  |   Posted on Aug 24th, 2009 0

    You KNOW this Twihard has one chillin’….

  29. As if you could out run them.

  30. Rebecca  |   Posted on Sep 30th, 2009 0

    Oh my… The main problem? The ages people start reading these books are around 12. I wonder if they’ll buy one too??? I just predicted a rise in tweenage pregnancy.

  31. oh leave them alone, if they wanna buy a sparkly pseudo-dick, let em.

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