(Speaking of dance movies.) That’s right, you heard me, the Dirty Dancing remake. Right now, the news of this really good idea is only coming from Production Weekly, whatever that is, and through its Twitter account no less (via ComingSoon.net). Sure. Twitter has all the best scoops on the real Hollywood news. From this probably super-reliable and official Twitter:

Lionsgate is developing a remake of the 1987 classic “Dirty Dancing,” from a new script by Julia Dahl.

There you go. There’s absolutely no way that you could possibly want any more confirmation than that. Anyhow, naturally one assumes that there will be some updates to the story. Like, instead of meeting at a Catskills resort, Baby and Johnny Castle will meet at a training camp for Elite United Global Forces as they prepare to join the fight against the Space Worms. And instead of a climactic scene in which they dance in front of the disapproving audience, melting their apprehensions and celebrating the wonders of movement, it will be Baby and Johnny Castle, escaping from the nuclear annihilation of the Space Worms Central Hive aboard their space hovercraft, performing a fascist victory dance.


But before we can even get to any of that, we need to determine who will play these iconic roles in the new movie:

50 Cent and Abigail Breslin

Right now, because of racism*, this pairing seems unlikely, but in the future, things will be different. (I am saying that in the future, 50 Cent and Abigail Breslin will be husband and wife.) Also, we know that Abigail Breslin can dance (Little Miss Sunshine) and we know that 50 Cent can make an entire Catskills resort uncomfortable.

Haley Joel Osment and Barbra Streisand

May-December romances are going to be so hot in space. You will see. Basically, when the transport pods are leaving our solar system, and everything that you’ve ever known is gone forever, you’re going to be much less stuck in your close-minded ideas, and you’re going to be happy to get some wherever you can. #ApocalypseFacts.

Jonah Hill and a Bag of Grapefruits

For far too long in the entertainment industry, the sexist paradigm in which a schlubby man can win the heart of a beautiful woman but an ugly woman is a figure of ridicule has been perpetuated by chauvinist idealized pairings. Let’s turn that on its head. With produce.

Paul Rudd and Megan Fox

Just kidding. This would make everyone’s genitals explode too much. The CDC is like “We declare this a health emergency.” You know how the CDC gets. Also, why are they basically in the exact same picture?

A Skexie and a Baby Panda

“Nobody puts baby panda in the corner.”
–A Skexie

Well, this was a silly blog!

*Not because of racism.

Comments (37)
  1. Skexie FTW. Seriously, week made.

  2. I’m sorry I have to say this, but wouldn’t Jonah Hill eat the grapefruits, especially if his character is considered “schlubby.” Not to mention the sexual innuendos this pair would create would be a disaster! “Nobody puts baby in the corner, can’t you see, she’s ripe and perfect to eat!”
    Yeah, exactly…

  3. Tucker Carlson and Cloris Leachman.

  4. are there going to be vampires in the new version of dirty dancing? no? then count me out.

  5. I must be LOLergic to something here, because I’m going into AnaROFLactic shock.

  6. carrot top for both roles. it’ll be like an eddie murphy movie!

  7. Matt  |   Posted on Aug 19th, 2009 +6

    Eddie Murphy can play both parts, Norbit style!

  8. Let’s say all of Hollywood’s Bad Idea Jeans are a flock of birds. Let’s kill all the birds with one stone.

  9. Eric Cantor and Nancy Pelosi. Topical like a motherfucker, me.

  10. Katherine Higel and Jon Gosselin? (Nobody puts Feminism in a corner)

  11. herrorara  |   Posted on Aug 19th, 2009 +10

    But most importantly, who will sing the cover of “Hungry Eyes”? I vote Sugar Ray because obviously they are still determinedly on the express highway to worstville (http://www.newsday.com/entertainment/music/sugar-ray-flies-again-with-music-for-cougars-1.1364926). Whoops, I just :( ‘d my pants.

  12. John Goodman and Betty White… Nobody puts baby in a corner! This isn’t NAM – there are fucking rules!

  13. Can’t we just watch Dirty Dancing Havana Nights instead? I love that movie.

    • Have you heard the story on This American Life about how DD:HN was supposed to be a gritty political drama about Cuba that got turned into whatever it is now? Pretty amazing.

      • Are you trying to say that DD: HV isn’t a gritty political drama about Cuba? I don’t know what movie you were watching, but that one if FULL of grit.
        (And thanks for the TAL tip, that actually does sound interesting.)

  14. Alleged Pimp  |   Posted on Aug 19th, 2009 +1

    R Kelly and Jamie Pressley?

    Why can’t I sign in to Videogum?

  15. I think that these guys would do a pretty good job.

    Your choice for who’s Baby.

  16. Millionaires/Brokencyde do scrunk version of (I’ve Had) the time of my life? No wait, probably Confide.

  17. I’m always (sexually) surprised by how much upper thigh/hip there is in that Paul Rudd picture.

  18. Shaggy 2 Dope/ Sugar Slam

  19. Tyler Perry and Will Smith.

  20. In a major casting coup, the roles of Baby and Johnny Castle will be played by newlyweds Paula Abdul and Sack of Russet Potatoes. Mrs. Potatoes is excited by the opportunity of portraying Mr. Castle.

  21. Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. What an unforgettable couple! Am I right, teenz??

  22. They should get a mystic to play Jerry Orbach’s role.

  23. Shirley Temple and Bob.

    Baby is dancing in the black lodge and can’t leave. Write it in your diary.

  24. Pushstar  |   Posted on Aug 19th, 2009 +3

    Fresh Twitter :
    Lionsgate is developing a remake of the 1987 classic “Dirty Dancing,” from a new script from the mind of DIABLO CODY.

  25. Channing Tatum and Vanessa Hudgens

  26. Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. That way there’s less dialogue and more dancing(ninjas).

  27. buenosueno  |   Posted on Aug 19th, 2009 +2

    channing tatum, but only after spending a month with the swayz killing twelve packs of coors, smoking carton after carton of camels, crashing fucking planes and fleeing the scene, and basically laughing in cancer’s girlie face.

    baby should be jessica alba. pure honey

  28. Let’s start a Twitter trending topic for #ApocalypseFacts.

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