Huh. You know the Peggy Lee song, “Is That All There Is?” It’s a pop cultural examination of jaded disappointment. Back when it was released, in 1969, the year I turned 35, it re-kindled Peggy Lee’s career. She won a Grammy. The song has been covered endlessly. Because a pop cultural examination of disappointment and boredom says something to us about our own disappointment and boredom. It gives us license to experience those emotions and frustrations as a carefully cataloged facet of human life. I mean, it’s also just a good song, but it has that adolescent tang of empty realization. Or is it an adult tang of empty realization? It doesn’t really matter. The point is that one day you wake up to the world with a giant shrug, and the world stares back at you, blankly.
The difference between that song and this show is that when you talk about (sing) and share your jaded boredom, it can be interesting, and kind of beautiful, because it’s a shared experience, but when you just stare passively at other people (children!) being jaded and bored (and boring) it is the worst. OMG, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT JESSIE’S OPERATION SMILE FUNDRAISER IS FINALLY HAPPENING?
What a dud! You call this a season finale? No one even threw a drink (or poison) in anyone’s face.
So, Sebastian wants to have a fundraiser to build wells in Africa. That is an interesting and thoughtful way to go about making the world a better place. Whoops, all he does is talk about how great this is going to be in his quest to get girls. UGH, SEBASTIAN, ENOUGH. We get it! You stink! He says that helping to build wells in Africa will show girls his sensitive side. You know what else will show girls your sensitive side? Being sensitive. At the end of the episode he explains that this year has been all about quantity, but next year will be all about quality. His dad just logged onto CafePress to order his “Proudest Dad” mousepad.
Meanwhile, PC goes in and out of having a beard. He has a beard, he shaves his beard. He has a beard, he shaves his beard. That is honestly what passes for drama at this point. Will PC get into college? I don’t know, will he? SPOILER ALERT: snore. He and Jessie are always fighting. I sure hope they can still be friends, but you know, it’s going to be different next year when they don’t see each other as much. Remember when I said I sure hope they can still be friends? I was lying. I don’t care either way. People grow apart. They are 18 years old. They’ll manage one way or the other.
Also PC is mad at Taylor because she didn’t come to his party. For someone who doesn’t have time for high school drama, he seems to have an awful lot of time for high school drama. “This is how you ruin relationships,” he ‘teaches’ her. Right. All of the most important relationships are ruined when someone doesn’t come to some party. World War I started because Archduke Franz Ferdinand totally, like, said he was going to show up at the St. Regis penthouse, but he flaked, and Serbia was like “assassination.”
Kelli sings in a restaurant. Seriously, I am checking my Facebook at this point. And please understand that I have put more time and energy into this show than most viewers. But it’s like, huh? Camille thinks that Sebastian does a bad job at his African wells speech because he reads it off of a laptop? Camille is Professor Speeches over here. Later she ridicules the Operation Smile Fashion Show because she is also Professor Fashion Show. “I would have probably put some of the dresses in a different order, or changed some of the looks.” WOULD YOU HAVE, CAMILLE? She is the absolute WORRRSSSST. Someone should untie that silk choker around her neck, just in case it makes her head fall off. Fingers crossed. There is something wrong with Esther, indeed. She also says that she feels like New York is “hers.” Well it is not yours, Camille. Your ideas aren’t even yours. You’re 17 years old, and you’re pretentious and confused. Nothing is yours yet. Relax.
Then again, Sebastian does do badly at his speech. Not because he’s reading it. That’s fine. But because he says “we take some of the smaller luxuries for granted, like shelter, food, and potable drinking water.” Um, THOSE ARE NOT LUXURIES! Maybe, maybe shelter. But I am pretty sure that food and potable drinking water are just necessities for being alive. Sebastian is like “uh, I looked up luxuries on my iPhone and I’m pretty sure I know what I’m talking about. Do you want to hook up? Chew gum chew gum chew gum.”
Operation Smile. This is what it has all been building up to? For real? Were there people at home watching this and just high fiving until their hands blistered, so excited were they that this was all finally happening? (No, there were not.) Operation Smile fashion show. Hah! Jessie is full of self-importance. That’s OK, though. I will cut her some slack on this one. Whatever this event is, it is big, and fancy, and she does play a key role in it, and she is 17 or 18 or whatever but the point being young enough for this to all be very overwhelming and “important” to her. She does sort of give the game away when she keeps saying things like “just seeing 400 people there to support me and to support Operation Smile.” I SEE WHAT ORDER THAT SENTENCE IS IN. And “I couldn’t ask for anything more than people’s support, helping me change other people’s lives.” Huh? You could ask for them to just directly change people’s lives. Often charities ultimate goal is to get everyone involved, not just get everyone to support you being involved. But let Jessie have her moment. I just don’t understand why we have to have it with her.
She falls down some stairs. She yells at people for smoking weed that they are going to “burn down the whole building.” Haha. PC apologizes to Carbon Marz Volvo, or whoever, for “ruining” his party. Right. That guy is like “the producers instructed me to pretend like I even know what you are talking about, which I don’t, because I have stuff going on in my adult life.” Everyone is there. It’s a gala event. It’s absolutely nothing whatsoever.
It’s actually almost impossible for me to believe that this season was only 8 episodes long.
Seriously? Is that all?