Twilight Barbies, you guys. The thing is, this is the first facet of the Twilight phenomenon in awhile that actually makes sense. Twilight cruise? Twilight prom? These are insane things. Dolls? For little girls? OK! I do think that this description from People magazine is a little bit weird:

As a tribute to the on-screen lovers, Barbie has created a set of dolls modeled after Robert Pattinson’s Edward Cullen and Kristen Stewart’s Bella Swan. Featuring Robert’s strong jaw line and vampire-glow and Kristen’s long brunette hair and innocent face, the dolls are almost an exact replica of the stars. Looks like Bella’s wish for immortality is finally coming true!

What? What on so many levels. Also, Bella is not real. She is a fictional character. And if anything, her “wish for immortality” (which does not exist and is made up) has already come true? In ALL THE FAMOUS BOOKS AND MOVIES? Look at me going on and on, as if somehow I have any way of stopping the Pulitzer committee from awarding all the prizes to that paragraph.

But anyway, Twilight Barbies. I think every adult who is into Twilight (“it’s just fun, and it’s actually pretty well written”) should be forced to have these in their home, as some kind of symbol or warning to others. A clown lives here.

Comments (49)
  1. That Barbie doesn’t look miserable or untalented enough to be Kirsten Stewart!

    • I agree. The Bella doll doesn’t look like enough of a bitch to be a replica of Kristen Stewart. Also, I disagree with Gabe’s rule at the end. My wife, despite my pleadings and threats of divorce, enjoys the books. Gabe, please don’t make me have these in my home!

  2. When I look at that picture, all I can think of are Marionette strings and a song playing in the backround entitled, “Eating Fetuses, Fuck Yeah”.

  3. If I know anything about your average Twilight fan (and I don’t), some very uncouth things will be done with these dolls. With the bedroom door closed. And mom and dad out of the house.

  4. Videogum fans can compliment Twilight barbies with these toys available from all good ebay attic emptiers:

    Perfect for all those moments where a photoshopped picture just isn’t enough!

  5. spork  |   Posted on Aug 11th, 2009 +1

    I wonder if it has NINE tattoos.
    I am very impressed on the skinny jeans they are wearing, quite a nice wash.
    Sad that robert pattinson doll version has better stuff than me.

  6. Oh man, do those things come with buttons you can press on the back of them that make them say boring and whiney shit about being a vampire, because that would be awesome!

  7. I know Barbies aren’t usually anatomically correct, but surely Mattel snuck in a version with a felt uterus and partially devoured fetus, right? As an Easter Egg for the super fans?

  8. Vampire Barbies? That’s horrifying. Definitely not appropriate for my teenage son.

  9. I can’t wait to see all the little girls and boys who bought the twilight jackets (now you can own your very own Bella’s denim jacket with a hood! Buy it at Sears!) carrying these guys in their zip up chest pockets.

  10. Kristen’s long brunette hair and innocent face

    Innocent face? Seriously? She’s the shiftiest-looking female in Hollywood.

  11. Wait, Bella was played by an actual person and not a plastic figure?

  12. Does the Kristen Stewart doll come with a wooden bowl and bag of weed?

  13. Mabuk  |   Posted on Aug 11th, 2009 +45

  14. That was the first thing I thought as well. It looks like Fran Drescher.

  15. Why does the Robert Pattinson doll have the brunette version of Conan O’Brien’s haircut?

  16. The problem with adults using the “it’s just fun, and it’s actually pretty well written” excuse is that it’s actually not well written. At all. (please don’t make me admit how I know that)

    • I know it because my sister read and enjoyed all the books. She also left the room for 45 minutes last x-mas because she found my new Edward Gorey book “offensive”. Also, the day Kid A came out I sat there listening to it for a while (it was weird) and she stormed out of her room and yelled “MOM, ***** IS LISTENING TO EXPERIMENTAL MUSIC!”. I could go on. She sucks. If she liked it then it sucks. It’s science.

    • A lot of adults also think The Da Vinci Code is fun and well-written, because a lot of adults are retarded.

      (And Silvio’s sister sounds awesome.)

    • it was years ago, before it became !!!!!TWILIGHT!!!!!, that my little sister emotionally blackmailed me into reading the book.

      technically, based on a laffs-to-words ratio, it is the most entertaining book I’ve ever read.

  17. Oskar  |   Posted on Aug 11th, 2009 +3

    Twilight is not fun and it’s terribly written.

  18. Just don’t let this guy get a hold of those.

    Or DO let him??

  19. That Edward doll just sort of whispers “masculine, passionate kind of love,” no?

  20. kov  |   Posted on Aug 11th, 2009 +6

    According to the statement above, ‘Twilight is for children.’ If we combine that statement with Benatar’s Theorem, which states that ‘Hell is for children,’ then we can, using the transitive property of equality, correctly deduce that Twilight = Hell. Algebragum, right here.

  21. Now when children want to play “I’m a woman with no discernable personality who wishes to give up my life in order to cater to a creepy older man who comes and goes when he pleases and yells at me when I kiss him”, they can do it with dolls!

  22. Anyway, this movie has everything you need in a romantic movie, the forbidden love, the perfect guy, desire, the classical feelings and scenes, lonely hearts, scarify, everything!

  23. “Vampire-glow”.

  24. I’d actually like to know what that vampire glow looks like… did they put some glitter on him? Or did they just give him a shiny surface?

  25. People makes me laugh:
    “Kristen Stewart’s innocent face…”


    The epitome of innocence.

  26. Oh god, I feel like the biggest noob in the entire internet. Thank you, Gabe.

  27. Not only that, how can anyone possibly think that Twilight is for little… quote “LITTLE” girls?! It’s about two teenagers who want to have sex. That’s all. That it’s shallow and horribly written is one thing, but saying it’s for children is just ignorant and ridiculous.
    And if you’re right and it IS for children… that’s the most bizarre about-face of popular opinion and culture I’ve ever seen. When I worked at a theater, I sold tickets to an old woman taking her 13-year-old granddaughter to see 300. She was anxious to know if there was any sex. I told her that it was actually incredibly violent. Her words? “I don’t care about the violence, I’m just worried about sex.” Sure enough, the out-of-focus, 45-second sex scene sent her back into the lobby, demanding a refund. But now movies about two teens who can’t think about anything but fucking like jackrabbits are for KIDS.
    You sicken and horrify me.

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