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At one point in last night’s episode, Marianne uses her blood sugar sex magic to make Tara and Eggs (haha! Eggs!) devour a “hunter’s souffle,” that was made with Daphne’s heart. Yuck, but OK. Then she makes Tara and Eggs start slapping each other in the face as hard as they can, and kicking each other in the balls (Tara may or may not have balls, but the important word here is MAY), and then she makes them fuck each other on the living room floor, all of this as she stands around in the doorway giggling and going “hmm.” NOW, perhaps this is just what maenads do: hang out at people’s best friend’s dead grandmother’s houses, cooking human hearts into pies, and making everyone slap-fuck each other. That is the maenad’s business. But maenads aren’t actually watching this show, human beings are. And something about this scene struck me last night, because we’ve been along for the Marianne ride for awhile now, and I don’t know what kind of monster Alan Ball thinks that I am, but I actually don’t like watching two possessed, black-eyed demon bags fighting and fucking each other. It is weird! If it was scary, maybe the point would be to scare me, but it’s not scary. So what is it? It’s not funny. It’s not sexy. I don’t know! Huh?!

Anyway, Godric rescues Sookie from the rapist in the church basement and snaps his neck, although not before the rapist manages to say “Godric, it’s me!” which I sort of hoped they would explain later, why they were buddies, but they never really did.

And then some other stuff happens!

Like, Vampire Eric shows up. Godric tells him to rescue Sookie. He is so calm! Must be the sleeveless sweatshirt. Very breathable. Eric and Sookie go upstairs, but the alarm has been sounded, and everyone is filing into the church with stakes and crossbows for the “lockdown.” Huh? I thought the lockdown was just going to be a funtimes sleepover jam, with a vampire murder in the morning, not a military exercise. Whatever, Eric beats up some dudes but then there are too many dudes and Eric agrees to allow himself to be killed because Godric told him not to hurt anyone. Sookie is like “he’s your maker, isn’t he?” and Eric is like “don’t use words you don’t understand.” Um, relax Eric. I think we all UNDERSTAND. He is the one who MADE you into a vampire, which is why you use the word MAKER. Vampires always think they are so much smarter. Sookie is like “you love him,” and Eric is like “don’t use words that I don’t understand.” Later, of course, Hugo’s vampire girlfriend will admit that she loves him, and Godric will be like “I see that you love him,” and also Vampire Bill’s “maker” (whatever that means, I guess) will tell him that she still loves him, and she will get in a fight with Sookie over who loves him more. But for the time being, vampires don’t know what the word love means. Keep up.

Eventually, those Texas vampires come to the church, and they are going to kill everyone, but Godric is like “don’t kill everyone,” and they’re all like “aww shoot!” Meanwhile, remember when Sarah shot Jason Stackhouse at the end of last week’s episode? Well, she shot him with a paintball gun. Lame! He finds out that the church has abducted his sister, so he runs to save her. He shoots Steve in the head with a paintball. They rescue Eric, oh also Bill shows up because he hit some vampire in the head with a plasma screen TV, which I guess that works? So everyone gets into place for Godric’s big speech about vampires and humans living in harmony, and Steve is like “Fuck you!” and Godric is like “let’s all go home, guys.” So they all go home, except for Steve, who is home. On his way out, Jason Stackhouse punches Steve in the face for being such a jerk, except Steve is the one who has been consistent. He’s always been like this. Jason is the one who has changed. Unfair.

Sam Merlotte gets a phone call from his restaurant. We know this because there is a close up of his phone and it says “Merlotte’s.” Really? Sam owns the restaurant and it’s named after him. He uses the proper name in programming his phone? Sure. He goes to the restaurant and finds Daphne’s body in the freezer, with a gaping hole in her chest where her heart used to be. He is about to call the police, but the police are already there! He’s been framed! Except, that’s not exactly how crime works! But let’s pretend that it is! I mean, I get the fact that there are now two different women who have been found on Merlotte’s property with their hearts removed, and certainly that would warrant him being a suspect, but is there no other evidence in the case? “Well, you probably did it because you were the only person here when we showed up. Police work.” Andy Bellefleur bursts in and says that Sam is an innocent victim, but no one believes Andy Bellefleur. He’s crazy! Come on, Andy Bellefleur, go home to your hospital. That is what everyone says to him.

Then there’s the whole hunter’s souffle thing. Fucking. Whatnot.

Meanwhile, back in Texas, Godric receives a line of well-wishing vampires who have come to pay their respects to him in his Eames chair. It is really a nice chair. Godric keeps telling everyone how important it is to treat the humans with respect, as equals. He tells Eric that vampires are scary, and that they haven’t evolved. OK, so Godric is clearly going to die, right? Martin Luther Vampire Jr. forced to sit at the back of the bloodmobile over here. (I prefer my metaphors mixed, thank you.) Vampire Bill’s maker shows up and she is about to bite Sookie and Godric is like “don’t bite Sookie!” and then he kicks her out of his modernist “hive.” Vampire Bill walks her out. She is so ashamed. Vampires can feel shame? I am so confused about the Emotion Rules. But also in walks that dude from the church. He has strapped himself up with an entire Hot Topic’s worth of silver jewelry, and he is going to suicide bomb himself in all the vampires’ faces. Uh oh.

SIDENOTE: Vampire Jessica? Has sex? For the first time? And is about to have sex again? When she realizes that her hymen has grown back? Um? LOL?

Next week:

Comments (61)
  1. No rape faces or blood sex this week? What’s the point in even watching?!!!

  2. Gabe: America, you have a problem! We need to talk about this and get you off the whole vampire thing. It’s unhealthy!

    America: I do not have a problem! I can quit them anytime I want to! YOU DON’T KNOW ME!

    Gabe: I think I know enough, America:

    America: [Cries softly]

  3. Vampires as heavy-handed War on Terror metaphor > Vampires as heavy-handed gay rights metaphor

  4. I just really want some of those black eye contacts. Maybe they should start selling them wherever they’re selling the True Blood Mini Cooper and True Blood orange juice.

  5. “You have ‘lots of love’ for him”-Sookie Stackhouse

  6. i’m really getting tired of marianne. and also very tired of no one being able to figure out she is fucking with them. especially since sam knows she is fucking with them.

  7. I felt so terrible for Jessica and her hymen of uncharted regenerative capabilities. I felt so good about the silver shrapnel.

    Who’s coming up with this feebly written shit?

  8. Unfortunately, I happened to watch Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi” video for the first time just minutes before TrueBlood came on. Terrible mistake. Everytime there was a scene with Eric that song just seemed to blast in my head even louder than the show. “I’m your biggest fan, I’ll follow you until you love me!”

  9. “Hey guys, the vampire politics are taking up too much screen time. What else can we do?”

    “You know, I was just thinking this show needs more orgies.”

    “YES! Orgies and zombie-like sex and and boobs and penises everywhere and people slapping each other repeatedly then fucking. IT’S ALL PERFECT!”

    High fives all around. It’s sure never going to get old. (It’s old, guys).

  10. I’ve already been to heaven. And it was inside your wife!
    - Zingmaster Jason

  11. I’m simultaneously bored and grossed out by these Marianne shenanigans. It’s a really annoying combination of emotions. WHY HAS NO ONE ON THE SHOW FIGURED HER OUT YET?

  12. TVwatcher87  |   Posted on Aug 10th, 2009 -13

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • Your comment is too absurd to even downvote. I do like, “you don’t find naturally sexy vampires hot and sexy” though.

    • I’m sorry your Google is broken, considering the millions upon MILLIONS who must be posting loving recaps of the show. Also why do you need a recap of a show you just watched?

      • TVwatcher87  |   Posted on Aug 10th, 2009 -9

        Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • Don’t hate people with different points of view, Tvwatcher87. Godric would be disappointed in you.

    • hell's belle  |   Posted on Aug 10th, 2009 +7

      There’s no way you Googled “True Blood recap” and found here. The only way to find this place via Google is to type in +”I hate True Blood” +”Anna Paquin is awful.” I should know. That’s how I ended up here.

  13. fangbanger  |   Posted on Aug 10th, 2009 -12

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • People (PEOPLE!), you know how you’re always like, “YR u so mean abut this horrible show that i love ur lameINSIDZ lol wtf? If you don’t like (LIKE!) it just don’t w8atch itz OMG!!!” You know how you say that? Well I say back at you that if you don’t like it when adults (ADULTS!) criticize poorly conceived, terribly acted/accented and intellectually offensive television programs, all you (YOU!) have to do is not read those sorts of blogs. You don’t see me on truebloodrules4evr.com pestering you do you?

      Plus some of us just like to talk about the show and its mysterious.

      • fangbanger  |   Posted on Aug 10th, 2009 -8

        Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

        • You are too adorable – I want to put you in my pocket. But FAIR ENOUGH, fangbanger! This is me, officially giving you permission to not read the True Blood posts on this blog.

    • I’m confused as to why you have to love something just to watch it?
      People watched Gigli and Glitter just to see how bad they sucked, the same can go for True Blood.

      Kudos on the awesome screen name btw

  14. There’s something wrong with eggs

  15. I really feel the need to point out how Vampire Godric has usurped Vampire Eric as sexiest vampire.
    Also, Jason was my favorite part of this episode (most episodes lately). i kind of wish they would reformat this show to be “dumb guy stumbles around newly vampirified town, fucks around”

  16. sadly, ive read the books (the whole i-read-one-and-now-i-have-to-read-the-series-even-though-they-are-ridiculous-and-poorly-imagined/written bit) and i think the problem that plagues the storytelling is that the woman who wrote the books off which the show is based seemed completely out of touch with people in the real world, making everything really awkward. then tv people come trying to build off something that largely didnt make sense to begin with…. i think the premise of the larger story is neat but maybe to make the show that should have shook it down to the bare bones and made it in to something that could be a supernatural twist on the reality we are all familiar with, rather than a twist on a reality imagined by a lonely woman who learned how the world works by watching tv and reading sexy romance novels

    • Clearly I should not mock those less fortunate than myself, but I managed to stop reading them when she made math errors involving the reproduction of Weres (two Were parents = 1 Were child) that meant some point in the not too distant past (say, before Godric was born), all people on the earth were Weres. (I did give her one more book to fix her math errors, but she repeated them, so we broke up.)

      I realise in the grand scheme of things, there is so much more wrong with those books than math, and yet that apparently was The Worst for me. Fairies, Vampires, Weres, Shifters, whatever, it’s all good. Faulty geometric progressions, and we’re through.

  17. I can’t believe no one mentioned Jason’s way too enjoyable hug with Bill. I swear he jizzed in his pants.

  18. Sydney J.  |   Posted on Aug 10th, 2009 0

    According to a commenter on Jezebel, in reference to Sookie and that other mindreading kid smelling/tasting different, we still have this to look forward to:
    SPOILER (from rather late in the book series)
    Both Sookie and Jason have a fairie grandfather. And fairies are really desirable/desired by vampires. LIke, their blood is intoxicating. So in that regard both Sookie and Jason are special. Sookie is more special/her skill set is more awesome, but Jason’s power is supposed to be in his sexual prowess or something like that.

    • I think that was the part when I started thinking of her as Mary Sookie. Yes you are the most special stand in for an author ever, aren’t you?

  19. Vampire Eric’s “hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….. I heard my name” really made the week for me…on par, I’d say, with the James Franco “sooooo good”.
    Also, what’s with all the haters this week? And why can’t they spell or form complete sentences? you know they proofread on the True Blood Forums, why no respect on the videogum?

  20. eb  |   Posted on Aug 12th, 2009 -2

    I don’t know what kind of monster Alan Ball thinks that I am, but I actually don’t like watching two possessed, black-eyed demon bags fighting and fucking each other. It is weird! If it was scary, maybe the point would be to scare me, but it’s not scary. So what is it? It’s not funny. It’s not sexy. I don’t know! Huh?!

    - I think it’s great to see things on TV that we usually don’t see…and domestic violence as sexual foreplay is defs something new

    Eric and Sookie go upstairs, but the alarm has been sounded, and everyone is filing into the church with stakes and crossbows for the “lockdown.” Huh? I thought the lockdown was just going to be a funtimes sleepover jam, with a vampire murder in the morning, not a military exercise.

    - The “lockdown” is a sleepover which was canceled for the “lock in” once they discovered that a vampire was on the premises

    Eric is like “don’t use words that I don’t understand.” Later, of course, Hugo’s vampire girlfriend will admit that she loves him, and Godric will be like “I see that you love him,” and also Vampire Bill’s “maker” (whatever that means, I guess) will tell him that she still loves him, and she will get in a fight with Sookie over who loves him more. But for the time being, vampires don’t know what the word love means. Keep up.

    - Eric doesn’t understand love, not vampires.

    Sarah shot Jason Stackhouse at the end of last week’s episode? Well, she shot him with a paintball gun. Lame!

    - Lame, indeed.

  21. NJM  |   Posted on Aug 18th, 2009 0

    Nest. Just saying.

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