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I suppose it’s impossible to say exactly what you would do if your fortunes were to change dramatically for the richer. Maybe you WOULD start wearing those button down dress shirts with sequined skulls and screen-printed angel wings with your $900 jeans that still look an awful lot like dad jeans. Maybe you WOULD buy some McMansion in a gated community, furnishing each room directly from a catalog and parking a Hummer in the driveway to let motherfuckers know. Maybe you WOULD spend all of your time having lunch with friends you barely even know, and planning elaborate birthday parties for yourself (my assistant got a vodka sponsorship, so it will be nuts). You can’t say for sure that you wouldn’t, Poor Person. But you can guess! You can guess that even if you were to have bundles of money wrapped in rubber bands tucked under your posturpedic mattress (it’s from space) tomorrow that you wouldn’t waste it on a meaningless life of tacky self-indulgence.
What are these ladies even doing?!
Sheree has lunch with her friend to complain about the fight she had with her party planner last week. Fair enough. That fight was incredible. And I don’t know what that guy was thinking. I mean, the ladies of the Real Housewives have basically signed some kind of contract with some kind of supernatural being (for good or evil I am not sure yet) in which they become dehumanized creatures of raw public humiliation in exchange for…something that we will never know. I think that when you sign up to be on this series you get to spend five minutes alone with the President’s Book of Secrets. But that guy? He’s just a party planner in Atlanta. That can’t possibly be good for his business.
The ladies have some comments about how this party planner is clearly not a real man, because a real man would never treat a woman this way. Huh? I’m not saying that they don’t have a point, kind of, but the day that our society is structured on the normative ideation of a Real Housewife of Atlanta is the day that I pack up my stuff and head to Whoops Ocean (I have a house boat there that I’m fixing up for when I retire, Shawshank Redemption End Credits-style).
Although, to be fair, Sheree’s friend is incredibly beautiful? So somehow that changes things? Seriously, though. Yowza! Tex Avery wolf eyes!
Are you sure you know what to do with those weapons? Because I don’t see you using them to MARRY ME.
Meanwhile, Kim has a designer come to her house to give her some clothes. You know how real, talented fashion designers are always making house calls to the trashiest of reality TV trash. Ugh, Kim. The worst. She’s like “Oh these old bags? It’s just free clothes that super famous fashion designers won’t stop sending me.” Right. Those carefully placed shopping bags that still have a little bit of dried up slime on them from when you got them dumpster diving? She’s like “What do you think of this belt? It cost $3,000 and I think that is ridiculous for a belt, but I do like it.” The guy is like “you should keep it.” WHAT WORLD ARE THESE PEOPLE LIVING IN? Unless Kim is about to be sent to prison, and he’s recommending that she take the belt with her in order to hang herself in her cell (because of the shame she has brought on her family and the durable quality of a $3,000 belt), I don’t get it. Send that belt back and buy a new wig for your busted head.
Then Kim tries on a dress.
Perfect. It fits her like a glove that hates her.
Nene calls Kim and suggests that all the ladies go out and talk about stuff. Kim, rightfully, is like “why would I want to do that?” Nene is clearly trying to sandbag her, because she had that weird Giggle Party in the park last week with Sheree, her former enemy, and knows that all of the other women are Team Boo Kim, of which she is maybe the captain. Kim agrees to meet Nene first, one-on-one, at “their place,” which looks to be a Mexican Applebee’s. At first they are very tense and Nene makes yet another joke about having that glass of wine, because of how that was ever a thing that made sense to anyone. But soon they are drunk, and sitting on each other’s laps (?) and Kim agrees that she will go out with Nene and Sheree as long as Nene promises to be open and honest during the discussion so that they can really clear the air and be friends again. Nene agrees. Nene lies!
When the three of them do meet, Kim tries to keep things light by putting on a bicycle helmet. She says that she brought it so that when the ladies dug their heels into her skull, she would be safe. The only thing funnier than that is the genuine look of disappointment when Kim has to put the stupid bicycle helmet away because it’s time for the adults to actually talk. But this was just an ambush. Sheree starts accusing Kim, and Kim decides she doesn’t need to sit there and take this, and she tells Nene that she loves her and wishes they were still friends, and Nene is like “I’m genuinely a stupid person and have no idea what is going on or who to trust, my head is a sieve,” and Sheree calls Kim trailer trash, and the waiters in the restaurant are all standing around being like “Women!” The fact of the matter is that Kim stinks, but Nene did Kim dirty. Poor form, Nene.
This fight, we are promised, will continue next week. Oh good.
Meanwhile, Kandi. She is getting ready to marry a man with six children, but first she has to deal with these blogs. Whoops! Don’t you know the first rule of Life Club: never deal with the blogs.
Kandi’s mom, much like the blogs, is very against this upcoming marriage. Kandi doesn’t understand why her mom has to see the worst in everything and can’t be supportive of her. I don’t understand why her uncle dresses like a 22-year-old.
No, he’s fine. He seriously looks like someone handed him those clothes and said “put these on and let’s go get some lunch,” and he was like, “I want a sandwich,” and they were like “sure, put the clothes on and we’ll get you a sandwich.” That is the ONLY scenario other than hostage crisis in which wearing Ed Hardy is allowed.
Chin up, Kandi!
Oh, and Lisa Wu Hartwell, whoever that is, might or might not have a babzzzzzzzzzz.
Next week: wig pulling, for one thing.
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So Gabe, you actually watch this stuff?
You poor, sad man.
Good writing, you do miracles with nothing, like that Channing guy. Fucking Miracle – Millions of dollars and no talent.
Except you have talent and no millions.
Keep on watchin the shit I refuse to!
you know, i was really excited when atlanta almost ran out of water a year or so ago. because i thought that maybe that city would just collapse into itself like a poorly planned urban souffle, and everything would get all escape from new york, and all the horrible people who live in that horrible place would fight to the death whilst sonny perdue earnestly prayed for deliverance from god.
sigh.
as a long time atlanta resident i have to downvote this! for city pride or something? F.I.L.A.
i lived in and around atlanta for over a decade, so i’m at peace with my stance on that town. i can count the things that i miss on one hand, but the things that i definitely do not are too many to really count.
Technically I think these women live in Duluth, which is a suburb of Atlanta where all of the new money moves. So you want Duluth to be swallowed up. And downvote for the General Sherman talk.
duluth, buckhead, gwinnett, sandy springs, lawrenceville, stone mountain, whatevs. and it’s not general sherman talk. atlanta was poorly planned, it’s urban growth is unsustainable, and sonny truly believes that praying to god is the way to fix it.
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Videogum readers, do you guys/gals really watch these shows? Please tell me why. Do you enjoy them? Do you watch them “ironically”? Do you watch them and make sarcastic quips to yourself for an hour?
Would you not rather spend that time reading, surfing the internet, watching actually good television or good films? Or going outside? Walking? Lifting heavy objects? Banging your head against a wall?
The readership of this site seems, on the average, far too intelligent, to watch absolute bullshit.
Please explain!
Go away.
That’s all you can say? I’m serious, I would like to hear someone tell me what they like about these ‘Real Housewives’ shows.
and I’m not going away. I care about you guys too much.
I don’t like or watch these shows. But, I do think Gabe is very funny. If he can write about the worst movies of all time every week then why can’t he write about the worst TV shows of all time?
ModernMANdroid, i think you’re getting too hung up on the shows, themselves. i doubt very much that anyone who’s a regular here watches any of the “Real Housewives of…
the precise reason that i love videogum so dearly is that gabe, bless his heart, really nuts up and goes for it. he *does* watch all of this awful horseshit. and takes the time and the effort to evaluate it (kind of) and then throws it back over the fence for us to chew to pieces. which is fun!! gabe is a mensch.
I’ve never seen this show but I’m considering it a safe assumption that that woman is legally required to wear that bicycle helmet.
Mr. F!
Mr. F!
Whenever Gabe mentions Nene in this recaps, I keep thinking, “Why is Nene on this show?”
One-named foreign athletes FTW.
Nene rules. Even with only one ball.
The guy shouting in all caps has a point. Is there anyone here that cares about this show? It’s too depressing to be fun to mock.
the recaps of this show are one of my favorite shows.
i told you to stay off those damn blogs.
OH MY WORD Kims boobs were outrageous during that one camera-talk bit when she was wearing that red dress. Yucky!
Is anyone going to address the fact that the Gabe & Gwyneth union may be on the rocks?
um… since when did john gosselin become the fashion advisor for this show? seriously, not sure how I feel about the comeback of the screenprinted/rhinestone fashion tiger.
Total Bravo fail on this week’s episode. You can’t show Sheree pulling Kim’s wig in the promos, then push that part of the fight off until next week. There are rules!
Honest question: what’s the beef with Ed Hardy shirts? They seem fine to me. Are they some kind of badge of hipster elitism, or frat-boy douche-ism?
You said that to be down voted the most right? Because if not, then I am going to go all Stacey & Clinton on you.
For real, edumacate me! They just seem like overpriced designer shirts, no different than a million other overpriced designer shirts. I don’t see why they deserve singling out from Lacoste or Calvin Klein or Ralph Lauren. They’ll be trendy for another few months, and then you’ll find suspiciously-similar looking Al Harvey shirts in department stores. It’s this year’s “Members Only” or Eight-ball jacket. So why the specific brand of hate?
They’re just really, really ugly.
I watched this episode of “Real Housewives” last night with my best friend, an Ed Hardy shirt. The part with the women was so funny I spit up my Faygo all over him (her?).
Guys, i don’t know how far the collective videogum unconscious stretches back to or even to what extent, but it’s possible you might remember me defending Ed Hardy t-shirts as pretty cool looking…. just appropriated by douchebags.
I just want to say that on the record, after seeing that picture… i take it all back. *sob* i take everything back.
That Ed Hardy shirt was the best part of the whole show. And it’s like, I don’t even know him, but I bet he’s a douchebag.
Nobody has mentioned that there are TWO Ed Hardy t-shirts co-starring in this episode. Lisa’s husband the NFL star was wearing one, too. REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ED HARDY.
If Kim wants to REALLY get one over on them bitches, she should go see “It’s Complicated” BY HERSELF! And then when anyone says anything to her about ANYthing she should flip her hair and be like, “It iz comp-lick-ated!”
i think that all these ladies are gettin’ just what they got comin’ (TWSS) mmmhmmmm
Every time I get a reminder that Gabe isn’t gay I feel a little pang of sad.
What blogs write about Kandi anyway? Did her mother and daughter start a blog about her or something? They’re the only people who I can imagine caring about Kandi and her engagement/wedding.
I wish the person that told Kim she could sing, would tell her the truth….SHE”S TONE DEAF! I am sorry, but the wig, the boobs, the uber-lined lips have to go. She looks like a hooker with messy lipstick after doing you know what….i am sure she is much prettier, as a natural whatever she is. She should stay true to herself and make money on her own with TRUE talents rather than mooching shamelessly off of married men. She really can’t be as much of a ‘tard as she pretends to be…can she?
I wish the person that told Kim she could sing, would tell her the truth….SHE”S TONE DEAF! I am sorry, but the wig, the boobs, the uber-lined lips have to go. She looks like a hooker with messy lipstick after doing you know what….i am sure she is much prettier, as a natural whatever she is. She should stay true to herself and make money on her own with TRUE talents rather than mooching shamelessly off of married men. She really can’t be as much of a ‘tard as she pretends to be…can she?
I wish the person that told Kim she could sing, would tell her the truth….SHE”S TONE DEAF! I am sorry, but the wig, the boobs, the uber-lined lips have to go. She looks like a hooker with messy lipstick after doing you know what….i am sure she is much prettier, as a natural whatever she is. She should stay true to herself and make money on her own with TRUE talents rather than mooching shamelessly off of married men. She really can’t be as much of a ‘tard as she pretends to be…can she?
I wish the person that told Kim she could sing, would tell her the truth….SHE”S TONE DEAF! I am sorry, but the wig, the boobs, the uber-lined lips have to go. She looks like a hooker with messy lipstick after doing you know what….i am sure she is much prettier, as a natural whatever she is. She should stay true to herself and make money on her own with TRUE talents rather than mooching shamelessly off of married men. She really can’t be as much of a ‘tard as she pretends to be…can she?