tucker_max.jpg

In case you don’t know who Tucker Max is (lucky!), he’s some shithead blogger who blogged about what a shithead he was and then turned that into a book and now they’ve turned that into a movie, and holy shit, you guys, I hope you brought your cyanide capsules because I’m not sure how we’re going to get out of this one! The enemy is all around us!

What is this? This is a movie? This is not a movie. It’s like they swept up The Hangover‘s cutting room floor, Tucker Max jerked off onto it, and then dropped it into a vat of Who Framed Roger Rabbit? “Dip.” (No offense to The Hangover.) My apologies to Driven and Pay It Forward and Bicentennial Man. You are all wonderful masterpieces in this new world order. (Elizabethtown is still a piece of shit.)

This quote from Tucker Max, via Gawker, is hilarious:

Yes, the tickets are only $10. I know we could have charged $20 or even $30, but we decided that if the point of this is to reach out to fans and experience the movie with them, then we should make the price as low as possible to include as many as possible.

His Gwyneth Paltrow impersonation is priceless! Not to be all Professor of Movie Ticket Economics over here, but since when does the guy who wrote the blog that the movie is based on determine the price of movie tickets? If that was the case, then they should charge whatever the final budget of this movie’s production was for each ticket (upwards of $400!), that way when Tucker Max’s mom goes to see it (alone, Tucker Max’s father wanted to take a nap instead), they will at least recoup their losses. Their losses, not ours. Our losses are immeasurable.

We’re gonna need a bigger one of these:

Maybe instead of water we can put bullets in this thing?

Comments (138)
  1. Logan Huntzberger, you are a long way from Stars Hollow.

  2. Is this real life?

  3. OH MAN I read THIS SHIT cause a friend told ME TO AND I remember this story. SPOILER alert: ONE OF THOSE dudes shits in a toilet and CLOGS IT UP in the hotel. UGH. That is PLOT DEVELOPMENT to this douche chill. SHIT MAYBE my blog/book COULD BE MADE into a movie. IT’S ALREADY better than this pile OF DEMON SHIT.

    (look at me making jokes that RELATE to the post. GET it? Demon=hell=title. MAN. And SOME PEOPLE think I’m dumb.)

  4. This guy is so the Worst that his name isn’t even the worst part of him.

  5. It’s like The Hangover put on an Ed Hardy shirt and changed it’s name to Chad. The worst.

  6. I hope they serve the most excrutiating agony reserved only for fuckface Tucker Max for all eternity in hell. You know the “go back in time and KILL HITLER” thing? Can we put an addendum on that for Tucker Max?

  7. I heard Jon Gosselin produced….

  8. I like how best-selling is highlighted in red, as if to say: “yes, people actually purchased/read this book.”

  9. I don’t know guys, I think if you elitists can turn your brains off for long enough, you’ll learn to enjoy things that regular people like. Jesus! Why so serious?

  10. After watching the trailer, all I have to say is: “So….what’s the plot of this film?”

    • what’s the point of tucker max? I thought, maybe, once we elected Obama, the director would go “Shut it Down!” and Tucker Max would think, quietly, that in this world where better things could happen there was no need for the lowest common stereotype available for frat boys who like to be sexist racist assholes, and he would say “Dear world, I am sorry.” but maybe I didn’t want it hard enough.

  11. I am torn here. Part of my wants to vomit because this looks so bad. Part of me wants to complain that they strayed to much from the book, but that would mean admitting that I read the book. Part of me wants to tell the Professor that Tucker Max was making a silly joke about ticket prices and wasn’t serious. Part of me knows that the Professor was also making a silly joke and wasn’t serious.

    It’s 3pm, who wants some bourbon?

  12. I hope they serve cyanide at theaters.

  13. If you’re a shithead, but you admit to being a shithead, does that negate some of your shitheadiness? And does it make a sound? (like the shithead tree in the woods. get it? you get it)

  14. Abby  |   Posted on Aug 4th, 2009 +32

    Too terrible to even be your boyfriend.

  15. Oh, Jesse Bradford, why must you tarnish the Bring it On memories?

    • he was josh’s nemesis/protege on ‘the west wing’!
      while i feel like ex-’wing’ers get a free pass for life from me, this movie is seriously stretching the limits of my forgiveness.

  16. sad  |   Posted on Aug 4th, 2009 +11

    Ugh. I just went to his blog. I feel seriously depressed. I wish I didn’t know he existed.

  17. We don’t. Instead we serve generous helpings of your blog and movie.
    Love, Satan.

  18. I assume they put the best jokes in the trailer. And i didnt even crack a smile. In fact i wept.
    So, from a purely scientific point of view, im interested to see the whole movie, just to see if it manages to achieve negative funny.

    • Jonkers  |   Posted on Aug 6th, 2009 -7

      Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  19. Tucker Max spoke at my school and bitched onstage about getting less money for his appearance than Spike Lee had a week earlier. When asked what his parents think of his “work,” he said, “well I’m making more than my father ever did so I don’t really give a shit what he thinks and if he complains I tell him to shut the fuck up.” He closed it by asking the girls who wanted to sleep with him to meet him in the hallway, but ONLY if they had ID’s proving they were 18. NO EXCEPTIONS! So yeah, by far the worst, but of course he got a standing ovation.

    • haha, this is great. how is this human speaking at your school?

      he’s basically an adjunct douche professor

      • Not only is he a douche professor, he appeals only to the most hardcore element of douche bags. For example, lots of regular old dicks and douche bags liked The Hangover, but it takes a really hardcore douche to like this movie.

    • When I first read your post I thought you said he spoke at your high school. I was very concerned.

    • I’m glad Tucker Max is classy enough to ask that his women must be 18, considering, you know, the fact that he’s 34 years old. Because that’s a perfectly reasonable age to hit on high school seniors (for reference, I believe Matthew McConaughey’s character in Dazed and Confused is supposed to be in his mid TWENTIES).

    • In a completely unrelated comment, I love that you have an Angus picture there. Greatest movie ever. Oh and Tucker Max is a douche.

  20. So the wild party is that they go to a strip club and then… get kicked out of a strip club? And then the police cite them for public urination? This is the bachelor party my great-grandmother would plan, and she’s dead.

  21. Wow this is just…wow. The preview alone made me want to punch my monitor in the face for showing it to me!
    You know, Gabe, when I set up my Google alert for “Tucker Max + Suicidal Ideation” this isn’t exactly the result I had hoped for…

  22. I drove my sister 13 hours to the beach for a week of fun & sun and she spent the first four days inside devouring this book. I don’t know what is worse, Tucker Max or the fact that someone that I am related to (by blood) eats this shit up. Terrible: F.

    • I hate to get all feministgum but I think the worst part of that story is that the person who read it and you’re related to is female.

  23. Why’d they have to ruin quiche?

  24. This is why we can’t have nice things.

  25. That picture of the eye wash station almost looks like a bassinet with a little baby robot sticking it out his razor sharp claws. Which makes sense, because after watching this trailer, I really want a baby robot to rip out my eyes.

  26. Diego C  |   Posted on Aug 4th, 2009 -4

    I bet that fiancée is an ugly monster in real life

  27. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  28. aaron  |   Posted on Aug 4th, 2009 +18

    I cannot believe they made a movie out of the book that is people who say “I don’t really read” favorite book.

  29. Was the soundtrack ripping of Jet? How very appropriate. Ugh indeed .

  30. i bet tucker max thinks raaaaaaaandy is real

  31. The production quality reminds me of James Nguyen’s “films.” TUCKERMAXEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR

  32. Well… now I feel like killing myself knowing this exists. Thanks Hollywood.

  33. Is Tucker Max a name he chose for himself, or do I have to blame his parents for that?

  34. This makes me angry, but mostly because of the fact that I know my anger is completely and utterly useless directed Tucker Max. Like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli.

  35. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

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  38. K's  |   Posted on Aug 4th, 2009 +20

    Does your ticket come with Axe Body Spray and a subscription to Maxim? Well an extension to your subscription and more body spray really…

  39. I think the most frightening this is that people are really like this, and that they are my peers.

  40. hey, it looks pretty good! (no it doesn’t)

  41. 9/25: Never forget.

  42. This is really upsetting. I put in a lot of hard work to get sober and become a nicer person, to better myself and the world around me. And now I find out that I could have been making $$cashmoney$$ by being proud of how hateful I was? What!?! Stupid, stupid, stupid… I need to start a blog asap…
    Gee, the writing is so rudimentary it’s almost as if any dickhead could do it! Dickheads, all that’s standing in the way of your fame and your fortune is maybe a little bit of shame, maybe a shred of decency, but probably just a supercool name (Cheever Blowpox, Walker Zexstrong) and a rich daddy with no love for you in his heart, who will fund your dumbscapades, not so much a parent as a benevolent benefactor advancing the cause of asininity. …
    Damn son I just got raped by a brain hemorrhage, lol. This sucks worse than being a Mexican woman!
    /dead.

  43. Just in time for rush week!

  44. Dan  |   Posted on Aug 4th, 2009 +7

    I need this movie like I need Hepatitis C

  45. Oh great! I love Bob Fosse films. Jazz Hands!

  46. If I pay to see this using just pennies, will the world implode?

  47. Just before you think it can’t get worse, they toss in Paul Wall (??) for 2 seconds.

  48. ModernMANdroid  |   Posted on Aug 4th, 2009 +4

    i WAS lucky…until today. Yeah, this is a horrible movie trailer, but the blog, the guy this is based on is reason enough to burn your eyes out and seal your ears closed. I just hit his website and, worse than his writings, are the YouTube videos “speaking” at OHIO STATE University. I have always HATED OHIO STATE and the heathens that go there, but this takes the cake. Thousands of morons in an auditorium dying to hear the words of this scrotum wart. If only a sleeper cell could’ve been activated that day…

  49. Blue Devil  |   Posted on Aug 4th, 2009 +32

    This shithead graduated from the university that i currently attend, and his book is on display in the library as “literature” written by alumni. at least one keg is dedicated to him at every frat party i’ve ever been to. On my transfer applications under reasons for leaving, i’m just putting “tucker max and lacrosse players”

  50. Actual Duke Student  |   Posted on Aug 4th, 2009 -18

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • ModernMANdroid  |   Posted on Aug 6th, 2009 +4

      Thanks for the lesson on boring shit about Duke, but “Tucker Max” went to the University of Chicago before Duke’s law school.
      So says wikipedia

  51. Ann Coulter had a son? Mazel!

  52. Weren’t all of those dudes in failed WB shows or awful straight-to-video movies?
    THIS COULD BE THEIR TIME, EVERYONE!!!! man i hope they serve beer in HOLLYWOOD because that is where they are finally actually going.

  53. I actually feel really bad for Paul Wall.

  54. this doesn’t have much to do with this, but there is only one thing to say…..

    TO THE TREES

  55. i’d like to say that a new force has arrived to videogum, but i’m drunk. so this will probably never happen again. it was fun while it lasted. good luck and goodnight

  56. But he did do this. You never recover from Rory.

  57. i will find this man and i will rip his dick off and throw it far away

  58. Frat boys are gonna eat this shit up.

  59. Your Mother  |   Posted on Aug 5th, 2009 -22

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  60. Two of my friends read that book. Interestingly enough, one of them fucked this girl I was into and the other ripped me off. Thanks Tucker Max… I hope they they serve razor blade enemas in hell.

    • Justin  |   Posted on Aug 12th, 2009 -3

      She fucked your friend because you suck. Stick to the truth and stop blaming a fucking book for your life problems. Maybe if you were a better judge of character, you wouldn’t befriend people who rip you off. This comment thread is nothing but haters and envious social rejects with nothing better to do than bitch about the success of someone else. Your opinions mean shit.

  61. David  |   Posted on Aug 5th, 2009 -21

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  62. Tom  |   Posted on Aug 5th, 2009 -18

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  63. Bill  |   Posted on Aug 5th, 2009 -22

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  64. But they sell this at Urban Outfitters

  65. wait.
    he bases his real life person on the dane cook character from my best friends girl?

  66. pandora  |   Posted on Aug 5th, 2009 -18

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  67. Mabuk  |   Posted on Aug 5th, 2009 +12

    Hey, like most Tucker Max fans, I can’t take the time to read the other comments because I’m performing fellatio on him at this very minute, but I’m close enough with my free left hand to reach the keyboard and correct your error – it’s the price of tickets for the premiere tour.

  68. The Gawker quote is taken out of context. It’s taken from his blog where he talks about what he plans to charge for the ultra-cool guy “Movie Opening plus Q&A” tour for the movie taking place at colleges across the nation. He wasn’t talking about every movie theater in the country. Personally, I think the movie has straight to DVD written all over it.

  69. lol guys are horrible people who hate women who aren’t beautiful and shit all over the ones who are willing to sleep with them, and women are frigid bitches who just want to ruin their fun. lolololololololol, ain’t that the truth.

  70. Dr. Robbinson  |   Posted on Aug 6th, 2009 -18

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • ModernMANdroid  |   Posted on Aug 6th, 2009 +4

      I prefer my entertainment to not be stupid. I got over fart jokes, dick jokes, and giggling at tits sometime before graduating college.
      I prefer to live vicariously through myself rather than a self-obsessed frat boy jackass.

    • Mike  |   Posted on Aug 9th, 2009 0

      You mis-spelt Robinson. No wonder your a Tucker Max fan.

  71. Is Tucker Max on the Sprint network? Is that Catherine Zeta-Jones commercial a peak at him in the future?

    Also, Tucker Max:: women & people who are better than him, as Passerby:: Da Cake Eatur & American Patriot?

    So many questions to ponder! So little time to get into this week’s Monster’s Ball!

  72. Jonkers  |   Posted on Aug 6th, 2009 -11

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  73. dodo  |   Posted on Aug 8th, 2009 +1

    Gawker has more awkward and terrible excerpts from this brotastic disasterpiece: http://gawker.com/5327579/lowlights-from-tucker-maxs-terrible-movie

    My God. Celluloid only a trash monster could enjoy.

  74. The star looks like a Seann William Scott and the Chotchkie’s waiter peanut butter cup.

  75. I had never heard of this Fucker Max guy until today. So I checked out his website…

    Now, as Gabe knows, I have mild psychic abilities. My yxzvxiytvxz tells me that Mr. Max will be assassinated by one of the many women he has raped.

    Amen.

  76. The N  |   Posted on Aug 9th, 2009 +2

    Somewhere in the world an evil genius is currently working on the script for I Hope They Serve Beer For My Horses in Hell. We’re all basically sitting on top of an atomic bomb waiting for it to explode.

  77. DavidGN  |   Posted on Aug 9th, 2009 -8

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  78. DavidGN  |   Posted on Aug 9th, 2009 -12

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  79. Who the fuck is Tucker Max?

  80. this guy forgot to eat a clown for breakfast.

  81. I can hear still hear that dark haired actor(the one who was actually mildly attractive) singing to Kirsten Dunst in the MIX TAPE he made for her in Bring It On: “Dear Torrance, can’t stand your cheerleading squad. But I love your pom-poms…” I guess we know what happened to that guy.

  82. they should have released this on 9/11 so we can better compound our national tragedies.

    • Justin  |   Posted on Aug 12th, 2009 -1

      Better compound our national tragedies? You would wish for that, sick fuck. You all think Tucker Max is inhumane and this guy is sitting here wanting to “better compound our national tragedies.” Bunch of fucking idiots.

  83. Tom  |   Posted on Aug 13th, 2009 0

    but fat chicks AREN’T real people

  84. This site is a fucking riot. I hope the creator’s babies are born dead, and that you someday realize you were supposed to be a blowjob on your mother’s chin.

  85. Drew  |   Posted on Aug 24th, 2009 -2

    I’m not a frat boy. I don’t use axe. I don’t read Maxim. I respect women and people of other races and I’m personally overweight. Even I am able to appreciate the (incredible) humor of this book. And more than that, I can’t wait until the movie comes out. I’ve been keeping a tally of the days until it comes out since the trailer came out. It drives me crazy that so many people are SO bothered by this movie. You need to get off your pedestals, get over yourselves and the GIANT chips you keep on your shoulders, and learn how to recgonize humor whether you find it funny or not. You’re no less prejudiced than the worst of Tucker Max with the way you’ve been stereotyping his fans. Hypocritical assholes.

  86. Were you just watching Hook on AMC? Because I definitely was. Cake Eatur, for once, I respect you.

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