There’s something wrong with Esther, you guys.

This poster for an upcoming comedy (?) starring Uma Thurman looks great, huh? Right? Riiiiiiight? Just look at it! LOL? She’s got a pacifier in her mouth…because she needs to stop crying? Because women talk and/or cry too much? Perfect. Someone shut this woman up!

She’s got glasses on, too, so she’s probably really smart. That’s how you can tell. It would be neat if she was a busy businesswoman who didn’t have time to raise a child. It’s weird that no one has ever made a movie like that. I guess America wasn’t ready. But Barack Obama is president now, so it’s time for there to be a movie about a busy business woman who is forced to choose between having a career and having a family. It’s the ’90s!

And that tagline! Really smart. It’s true! There aren’t any timeouts in motherhood. Because timeouts are what you give children who were bad? I think they mean breaks. But “there are no breaks in motherhood” is, admittedly, not that clever of a tagline. Unless they’re saying Motherhood is like a professional basketball game? Football? If that is what they mean, then there are still no timeouts, but timeouts mean something different. Ouch! My brain! I guess there are timeouts, though, sometimes, in motherhood, like when you do a bad job and social services takes your child away and you have to sit in your room and think about what you’ve done. Right? LOLOLOL. Maybe her baby gets taken away from her because of negligent parenting and she has to go on a road trip with Breckin Myer, Joe Pesci, and Danny Glover to get her baby back from the state but then the car breaks down and it starts raining you just never know how it could possibly get worse. Haha!


Comments (38)
  1. The Canadian tagline is “There are no first or second intermissions when a select few fans come down to the ice to perform slightly ridiculous athletic feats for prizes, and then the zamboni cleans the ice, and people shoot t-shirt guns, and Gary Glitter plays in … Motherhood.”
    I think it’s better.

  2. Where’s the delightful background gradients? Somebody failed out of the Judd Apatow School of Poster Design.

  3. Here is a hilarious scene where Uma and Minnie have a fight within earshot of each other BUT they are also talking to each other the cell phone! ha ha ha ha HA.

    this ))<>(( writes itself.

  4. How do you think Uma responded when they were like “okay the glasses look good, but I think we’re missing something. . . Oh I know! Put this pacifier in your mouth!”?

    • I think its there because without out it, there’s literally no way to identify her as a mother, and not just a crazy person. I remember when I was a baby (I do?) always getting mad at my mom, because I’d want the pacifier but she’d be using it, so that people would know she was a mom! Come on, mom, that’s mine! I’m a baby! WHY CANT I SPEAK YOUR LANGUAGE

    • Actually, I think they probably just told Uma to suck in her cheeks and give a “smoldering” look to the camera, then they just photoshopped the pacifier in.
      For example, take this picture:

      and add a pacifier. It will look totally naturally and no one would suspect anything!

  5. I thought this a Sarah Palin campaign poster.

  6. I guess they’re grooming Uma to be the new Diane Keaton. Which is very sad for her.

  7. wasn’t this already a failed TV show?

  8. The working title for this poster is Kill Bill’s Child.

  9. Black Mamba just wants a normal life! And a timeout. LOL

  10. Can’t wait for the “urban re-imagining” five years from now – Motha ‘Hood starring Mo’Nique.

  11. This was obviously created by the same person who did that brilliant “Orphan” poster!

  12. Is Tom Hanks in this movie? “There’s no crying in motherhood.”

  13. rat  |   Posted on Jul 31st, 2009 -11

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  14. I refuse to see any film with only one tagline, no matter how good that tagline may be.

  15. This post is like every snarky Gabe post combined into one. It’s so densely packed with predictable Gabe snark that I’m starting to think Gabe’s managed to program the Lawnmower Man to take over some of the posting responsibility for him.

    That said, that poster is fucking terrible.

  16. i just hope its as good as my super ex girlfriend

  17. I can’t get past the inability to figure out which eye is following me.

  18. Gabe, your semiotic deconstruction of that poster is brilliant, however, you forgot to mention that she’s probably “feisty” because she has read hair.

  19. when we were growing up, my mom’s hair WAS always playfully but perfectly tousled, and she never blinked. it’s like a home video guys!

  20. james   |   Posted on Jul 31st, 2009 0

    That pacifier was stuck in her mouth to keep her from saying “Yes” to reprising her role as Poison Ivy in the next Batman flick.

  21. From that look in her eyes, she seems to agree with Gabe. Like she’s saying “I’m doing THIS? And you’re watching it?” I’ve seen that look on pornstars.

  22. Please let Uma Thurman be a Mommy blogger! For modernity’s sake! This is not 1995!

    “He cries and he poos and I haven’t slept for days LOLZ” – a mommy blogger

  23. This is easily one of the top 5 funniest blog post titles ever.

    • Omg, now that you brought it up, I can’t stop giggling.

      What does Gabe mean? I mean, I get that babies sleep; does he mean that the poster is sleepy? This Motherhood Poster Need to Lie Down for a Little While, just doesn’t have the same funny.

  24. This poster (and probably the movie) = The Worst.

  25. Poor Uma Thurman. I want to like her. but she is making it so damn hard, she’s always in such awful movies. Sure she’s done a few good ones… but what about the 10 years in between those good ones?

  26. god i’ve missed you

  27. he is a beast.

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