jessie.jpg

Ugh, Fashion Week. I don’t care about Fashion Week when it’s actually happening, much less long after the fact as a backdrop for an exploitative summer replacement basic cable reality show about over-indulged children with absolutely no self awareness. As far as I am concerned, the entirety of Fashion Week should be sunk to the bottom of Whoops Ocean, and if for some reason that is not possible, then it should be set on fire, and the cooked remains should be fed to poor people. Fashion Week is a crime against humanity. And as this week’s NYC Prep showed: it appeals to children. That makes sense. If ever there was a group that was so turned inward without any respect for their place in a larger world, it would be children. “Sorry, starving people of the world, we would help you out but we need that money to buy clothes made out of feathers that we will wear twice before we grow tired of them.”

Assholes.

I have tried really hard all season to walk some kind of thin, poorly defined, but extant moral line in regards to making fun of this show’s cast, because they are, after all, children. It would just feel icky and wrong to actually say what I think about these people, since they’re obviously not actual people. For one, they’re the two-dimensional pixelated cut-outs of people created by professional reality TV editors and producers. But more importantly, they are children, and children are nothing. Children are mud. Eventually the fires of adulthood will bake them into the semblance of a person (finger snaps) and sure, some of these children already seem well on their way to being Living Nightmares of American Failure, but they are still children, and as such they should be given a certain amount of room to fuck up without some 55-year-old grouch sniping at them from his website.

But these fuckers are making it REALLY hard.

Jessie, with her, to put it mildly, stupid face. So she gets an internship for a fashion designer. I can’t be bothered to remember which one. Being bothered to remember which one is not going to keep the lights on. “Do they make clothes? Yes? Got it.” First Jessie crows about how she got the job at her first job interview and how she has as much work experience as the other girls vying for the job who were seven years older than her. “If you’re seven years older than me and I have the same work experience, that’s just sad,” she interviews. Well, sure, you fucking bitch. Except that a) you are interviewing for an internship, so relax, and b) you only got the internship because you provided the free publicity of a trailing camera crew. And c) what work experience do you have, you joke? Besides, Queen of Sophistication and Work Ethic and Experience, you can’t even handle a single fucking day of being an intern? Jessie quits because the experience wasn’t hands on enough for her. It’s true. She needs someone to be more hands on. Her throat. Choking her. (Not to death. She is a child! Don’t hurt her! Just teach her a lesson!) So she gets an internship for another fashion designer. It’s one of those internships where the very important, very powerful head of the company gives all the interns kisses on the cheek every time that he sees them. You know, bottom of the ladder stuff.

The designer’s name is Carmen Marc Valvo. We are told. A million times. Ugh. Well played, Carmen Marc Valvo! You sold out the integrity of your company, Kelly Cutrone-style, to get your name mentioned in the fourth paragraph of a mean-spirited recap on a pop culture blog. SHOOTING FOR THE MOON WITH YOUR DREAMS! Let’s all go buy some Captain Blark Volvo dresses, youse guys! Whatever. Jessie is getting a lot more hands on experience now. There is no stopping her from…becoming…a PR person…for a fashion company? Whoops, I have to go to the doctor for Incredible Depression! (That is a clinical term. Look it up.) She really needs to spend half of the money she spends on haircuts to hide her crossed eyes (found them anyway!) on getting some better goals.

Meanwhile, PC is ALL ABOUT Fashion Week. What? That’s normal, right? When you grow up in New York you become a sexually ambiguous adult with obnoxious, classist interests a lot faster than other kids. This guy. Unbelievable. Every step of the way. Dude is like the Senior Vice President of the Upper East Side Division in Bad Ideas. His major in college is going to be Complete Lack of Self-Awareness Studies. Has he ever seen TV? Has he ever even seen another human 18-year-old? What is going on here?

IT’S PC, BITCH!

Later, he puts on his eyeliner, and then you know it is GO TIME. Mrwowrrrr.

At one of the THREE Fashion Week shows that he goes to (and that’s just in this episode, lord only knows how busy his Fashion Week schedule was IRL) he does get to meet Katrina Bowden, who plays Cerie on 30 Rock.

That must have been a real dream come true. For her. He also goes to a show with Taylor because he is going to teach Taylor how the world works. OH CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN over here. Professor Fashion, tenured.

Shut up, PC. I like Taylor’s boyfriend, Cole, better. He is the only person on this whole show who seems like an actual teenager, and although teenagers are awful, it has a charm to it.

PC is starting to take his lumps, though. After the show, he confronts Kelli (who is there with Sebastian. Is Fashion Week the Upper East Side private school kid’s version of the food court at the mall?) and she calls him out for his dinner party antics. Later, PC tries to play it off in front of his friends but even they aren’t buying it. And Taylor interviews that he’s bi-sexual.

YA BURNT!

Sebastian goes on a date (of course he does) with a cute girl, but much like every date we have ever seen Sebastian on, it doesn’t go very well. His only “move” seems to be tossing his hair backwards, looking at the corner of the ceiling, and telling girls that he speaks French. Who cares? You know who else speaks French? This guy:

And at least he is a talented actor and not just a walking sack of over-excited hormones covered in too much hair.

Meanwhile, Kelli gets a stylist because now she’s going to be a famous singer because that’s how that works. Camille does not approve! Camille doesn’t think that you should change yourself in order to “sell record albums.” Record Albums must be one of those SAT words Camille is always going on about. (Camille is the worst person on this show.)

At two different moments in last night’s episode, they showed that Paris Hilton was in the crowd. And it was confusing, because I am not sure that Bravo was making fun of her, or that they were suggesting that the kids were on a dangerous path to becoming the next Paris. She was just there, like a fact. I’m not saying that Bravo has a moral responsibility to promote positive messages in relation to Paris Hilton, i.e. Paris Hilton is awful and represents the worst of our national impulses and she should be reviled and treated as an anti-heroic example of how not to lead one’s life. I’m not saying they have that responsibility. I’m just saying that’s what they should do, because come on.

Next week: Jessie asks PC if he’s gay, which was probably just an off-handed joke between two teenagers joking around after school one day, but, you know how this show gets when there is an opportunity to hate crime on PC!

Comments (37)
  1. This prequel to Real Housewives is AWESOME. I’m just trying to figure out which one is Kelly Bensimon. I’m pretty sure its PC. Or is this what is actually going on in her head. I can’t wait for the box set and next season ALREADY.

  2. I’m starting a band called Living Nightmares of American Failure.

  3. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  4. How many episodes have there been of this drivel? Because it seems like it has gone on much longer than, say, quality programming like Real Housewives of New Jersey. Those classy ladies were gone too soon!

  5. I’ll admit that I haven’t been reading these summaries, because shows like this always make me so mad. But I read this one, and was already to declare Jessie the worst person I have ever heard of. Then you say this girl Camille is worse? Does Bravo only make shows about terrible people being terrible?

  6. Also Jessie’s face in that top image makes me think of Ann from Arrested Development. Not sure why.

  7. Cooperman  |   Posted on Jul 29th, 2009 +2

    Great Work. I will never see this show. But I definitely want to read about next week. Seriously, Mr. Gabeman, make this a regular feature.

  8. I love Jessie’s concern that PC is in with the wrong crowd: a crowd that’s just as shallow and ridiculous as theirs, but older.

    So I guess instead of weed, the older guys have coke? Is that the difference? Other than that, I see nothing else.

  9. God, as a horribly closeted gay kid in high school, I empathize so much with PC (AT SOME POINTS. I WAS NOT SO VAIN AND HORRIBLE AT OTHER POINTS)
    Like, when Jessie said “you’re not even a girl!”. :( So only females can be enraptured in this disgusting, pathetic vanity-fest called fashion? And if he had that seat first, just give the poor kid what’ll make him happy. He probably didn’t want to seem TOO gay (whoops, good try!) but at the same time his excitement for the show gave him frustration beyond belief at those girls’ cruel antics. God, I’m loving this case study. I think PC is too far gone to grow up to be a well-adjusted, good homosexual man. But he will be a homosexual man, let us not doubt that, but Bravo producers, seriously fuck you. If I had someone filming my embarassingly kind-of gay-but-I-wasn’t-totally-aware moments as a kid, I would probably want to full-barrel-russian-roulette myself. Sigh.

    • You right. I completely agree with you that the girls shouldn’t make fun of PC for liking fashion. I mean, gender roles are changing everyday, and to still believe that only girls can like fashion is pretty stupid. This is the 21st century, dude!
      However, I still don’t think that just because PC is confused with his sexual orientation he could act like such a douche to the girl for taking his seat. He was still sitting right behind her and could see the fashion show perfectly!
      However, to be perfectly honest, these kids are too spoiled and self-involved for me to even care! I just hope that medical science soon allows adults to live forever, because I don’t want these kids to destroy the world from the inside-out.
      Crap, I can’t believe I even wrote this much in response to this show! Bravo wins again…

      • pc seems like a bummer but that girl DID steal his seat and even though i’m not a bummer, i’d think that someone else stealing my seat and then flaunting it in my face sucked and i would be mad and say some not nice things about her.

        also, jessie’s face is….geez. thank god she’s rich, that’s all i can say.

  10. I actually watched this last night, whereas in previous weeks I just read about it and purposely kept myself from actually watching it.
    And I continue to be mad at myself for it.

  11. “Jessie and Cat were acting like two little girls in high school.”

    Welcome to Duh, You Idiot University, how many credits will you be taking this semester?


  12. Angry face


    further resemblance?

  13. I like that Gabe made us wait four full paragraphs for the cross-eyed bomb after opening with that picture. Comedic timing 101, with Prof. Delahaye, 3.0 credits, meets W 1-4.

  14. The best part is when that PC kid stood up and tried to get that girl out of his seat.

  15. Gabe…. will you marry me !

  16. Oh man. That photo of Jessie? Best screengrab ever = worst photo of a person ever.

  17. “I just wanted to put a bag over her head and murder her, but I can’t because that’s illegal.”

    judge pc now presiding. court is now about to POP OFF!

  18. Gabe, I’m so glad you caught the eyeliner. I was staring at my screen trying to make sure PC hadn’t pulled a Richard Alpert.

    I’d like to point out, too, that at one point Taylor (I think? Ugh. I know their names) mentions that she “just wanted to hug Paris [Hilton].” UGH WHAT?!? That’s when I decided all these kids needed to be punted hard. If I’m in Manhattan and ever see them strolling around, I will have to hold back strongly from wanting to just deck them.

    Man, I should really stop watching this show. I didn’t know I could be made to feel gross about living in NYC.

  19. Dominique Pinon! He was my first celebrity sighting when I moved to Paris! He was walking alone into the Pere Lachaise cemetery! This comment is not off-topic and everyone would give a shit about it!
    Anyway, and-I-speak-French boy only wishes he could be as awesome as Dominique Pinon.

    • op.  |   Posted on Jul 29th, 2009 +1

      I know. The comparison is almost a compliment. To the little boy. Which seems like an insult to Mr. Pinon. Which won’t do at all, and I will accept my apology in writing. Or ice cream. Sandwiches.

  20. Jacob  |   Posted on Jul 29th, 2009 -1

    the whoops ocean? is that where “it” is?

  21. Gabe! WHY would you choose that picture of Stupid Face Jessie for the top of the post? It has haunted my waking life since this morning.

  22. EMP  |   Posted on Jul 29th, 2009 +2

    PC: “What happened to my front row?”
    Cat: “I happened.”

    Me: “What happened to my general sanity, patience and tinge of hope and belief in the generation coming after us?”
    Kids of NYC Prep: “WE HAPPENED.”

  23. WHOA. Doesn’t Taylor go to PUBLIC school? How did SHE get into fashion week?

  24. PC owns the same sunglasses as me. I might go burn them now.

  25. Jessie seems a little too confident for someone who looks exactly like Stevie from Eastbound and Down.

  26. Fuh  |   Posted on Aug 4th, 2009 -1

    IM KANYE WEST AND I THINK THIS IS DUMB. STRAIGHT TRIPPIN.

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