Turtle’s mom is mad at him because he wore sneakers to Vince’s premiere. Johnny Drama told him in the limo that it was a mistake to wear sneakers! Now she is the laughing stock of the salon on Queens Boulevard. Turtle picks up one of his baseball hats from his baseball hat collection and stares at it. He slides a hidden door to reveal a lighted recess for his sneaker collection. Which sneakers will he wear today? I AM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT TO FIND OUT! His mom is like “you are a loser,” and Turtle is like, “today of all days, ma?” What do you mean today of all days? Oh, today is Turtle’s birthday! Normally, Turtle’s day is filled with business and stress, but today is a special day for him to just relax. Work hard, play hard, that is Turtle’s motto. I cannot WAIT to see how they celebrate this one. It is going to be INSANE.


Something to do with Vince’s new movie being about race car driving. It’s not important. Nothing is. Later:

HOLY SHIT, I NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL. For that split second where you weren’t sure whether or not Turtle was going to accept Vince’s gift of a $240,000 Ferrari, I was like OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, I was hyperventilating into a brown paper bag and I shit my pants. But then Turtle accepted the car and I was like “that was a CLOSE ONE!”

You guys aren’t going to believe this, but later, Turtle’s girlfriend, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, gives him a Porsche for his birthday. Haha. This show really raised the stakes on how many luxury cars one character could get in a single episode (two). It’s like Chekov always said: “if there is a Ferrari hanging on the wall in the first act, give Turtle a Porsche, also.”

50 Cent is like, “I’m terrible at acting.”

Call up Hollywood. Let’s put this guy in everything. Let’s CGI his face onto Adam Sandler’s face in Funny People. “The one who got away: guys have that and serial killers have that. G Unit!” I think that would be hilarious.

Later, Turtle decides to go back to school because it’s time to get serious about his life. Sure. I hope that this show goes on forever so that I can find out HOW THINGS WORK OUT FOR TURTLE IN THE LONG TERM. It’s going to be like the Michael Apted Up series, except that instead of checking in on the protagonists every seven years, we’re going to check in every single year. It’s going to be great. Tell your doctor to keep you healthy, you wouldn’t want to die without seeing the end of this.

Comments (29)
  1. All rappers listen to their own shitty music while appearing in shitty TV shows. It’s the cycle of life!

  2. I’m proud of you, G.

    I don’t get the Eric and Ari love fest all of a sudden. Hey, remember when I constantly belittled you and you threatened to hit me all the time but “Gatsby” so it’s cool. I won’t make fun of you so much for being short because it turns out everyone on this show is really, really tiny, and I’m a family man because Gatsby.
    And tell Turtle that I’m proud of him for going to school because Gatsby.

    And don’t forget that Lloyd is gay and I hate him because Gatsby doesn’t change everything only practically everything except gays are still gay.

  3. “In this economy, people’ll think you’re a real douchebag”

    Nah, the timings probably just coincidence.

  4. Who woulda thunk that 50 Cent has a little girl laugh.

    There’s Something Wrong With Curtis?

  5. “Don’t be somber…at least you look good.”
    - Tombstone of Curtis James “50-Cent” Jackson III
    Homage. 2000s.

  6. At least we found out that E did in fact GET IT WET with the CGI chipmunk face (Why does Entourage make you want to CGI things so much Gabe?) but he hates her. Because she hates Lil Bow Wow. But she stays at his apartment. Then he likes her. Because now he hates Lil Bow Wow. After they GET IT WET again. What about Sloane :(

  7. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  8. the 100 calorie snack pack of television

  9. Matt  |   Posted on Jul 27th, 2009 +3

    Lil Bow Wow gets a 59 in life. Kicked off of a show he was playing on a show AND getting kicked off of THAT show. I love it when art not only imitates life but it happens simultaneously.

  10. Gregorious II  |   Posted on Jul 27th, 2009 +5

    (Entourage Knock-Knock Jokes)

    Knock, Knock
    - Who’s there?

    - Medic Who?

    Medic needs to GET IT WET.

  11. Chadams  |   Posted on Jul 27th, 2009 +3

    I’ve long since given up on this show (3+ seasons ago), but isn’t it the biggest goddamn cop-out that each season takes place before a movie films or after it comes out? Do the showrunners think that there’s no drama to be wrought from that stuff? That should’ve been my first sign to get out before I got out.

    Sorry for thinking about this show in a critical manner. I made a big ol’ faux pas, when my question could’ve been answered by slapping the sole of my shoe on my forehead.

  12. who lets something 50 Cent says to them make them feel bad? What is this…2003?

  13. We reserve the right to respond in the way we find suitable against this man

  14. If Gabe was an Entourage character he would be Sloan and I would be E. Do judge me cause I like to get CGI face wet.

  15. zach  |   Posted on Jul 27th, 2009 -3

    Why are you still watching this show? Is anyone else?

  16. It’s a good thing he got that Porsche. He’ll need to sell it to pay for the upkeep on the Ferrari.
    (Boring gear head commenter)

  17. Anyone else notice at the end of the episode, when they were all drinking the most expensive wine in the house, Turtle exclaims “This wine is INSANE.”

    Yeah, motherfuck Entourage.

  18. zik  |   Posted on Jul 27th, 2009 +5

    Ehhhhh I liked the episode. I thought it was a step up from the horrendous season opener. And I liked E trying to be like Ari and failing miserably.

  19. Way to beat a dead, retarded horse, Gabe.

  20. Duncan  |   Posted on Jul 27th, 2009 +2

    ‘Yo Curtis’??????

  21. Guy   |   Posted on Jul 27th, 2009 +4

    I can already hear all the bro’s ’round the world telling each other to not be somber.

  22. The Emmys should clarify what part of this show is supposed to be comedy. Was it the part where Eeee frowned at Broken Flowers girl when she sat down on the couch and then she said, “I’m sorry, I’ll go put pants on”? Or was it the part where Vince ordered an ambiguously “nice” bottle of wine and then ordered two more after the waiter said “it ISN’T cheap”? Waiter, bring me two more bottles of comedy gold.

  23. Anonymous  |   Posted on Jul 27th, 2009 -6

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

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