gwyneth_cooking.jpg

First off, you’re going to want to start with one completely over-inflated sense of self-importance that allows for the belief that you should show people how to cook something for some reason even though you don’t need to do that at all and probably shouldn’t, thickly glazed with your practiced air of faux-populism as if you were not born to a famous actress and a highly successful producer, raised in Hollywood and private boarding schools, before yourself becoming a famous movie actress (or “actor,” as you would probably say), who then married a rock star and named her first child Apple.

And one chicken.

You will also need:

  • 1 condescending description of a roasted, rosemary chicken with fingerling potatoes and a summer salad with homemade vinaigrette as “fast food”
  • A reference to the University of Southern California in which you clearly drop the definite article, English Lord-style
  • 3 medium-large references to your trip to the farmer’s market
  • Champagne vinegar (of course) instead of poor person vinegar
  • 1 use of the word “gorge” as an awful diminutive of “gorgeous”
  • 10 pounds of “leg grease”

Talk a lot about how much you just like fresh, good food, as if everyone in the world wouldn’t enjoy fresh, good food, especially if they had time to go to the farmer’s market every morning. Put everything into a Swarovski crystal bowl, and beat it with a gold-plated human bone until it is tender and bloody and raw. Put in oven. Call your personal pilates trainer. Do six hours of pilates. Make sure the helicopter has enough fuel in it in case you need to go on a no-fat latte run. And voila!

P.S. Goop is making videos now? SHUT IT DOWN. (Shut Goop down.)

(Thanks for the tip, Bryan and Andy.)

Comments (95)
  1. Do they still do those mom-swap shows? She should be mom-swapped.

    • That would involve her raising a stranger’s children, children who have done nothing* to deserve such a fate. Unconscienable.
      That would be like getting signed up for While You Were Out, only TLC sends Andrew W.K. to your house, which he blows up, while you are out.

      *NOTHING!

      • I think, actually, the suggestion was that she needs a new mom herself, because Gwyneth Paltrow is clearly the product of irresponsible parenting. Basically, Gwyneth Paltrow needs more spankings.

        (With that image in mind, I humbly throw my hat in the ring for the position of Gwyneth Paltrow’s Mommy.)

      • Although I imagined her episode would be one of palpable resentment on the part of the unfortunate family she was forced upon (culminating in a long steady shot of Gwyneth Paltrow duct tapped impossibly high up a tree, her microphone picking up mutterings not to dry and soil her all-natural tear ducts), I would also pay per view to see Andrew W.K. blow up her house.

        That could end the same way as the mom-swap show as far as I am concerned.

  2. Sal  |   Posted on Jul 23rd, 2009 +31

    I think this is really a recipe for how she makes her legs grease.

    • One can’ o chicken spine for m’lady.

      That’s my favorite part. The words, “Noq I’ll just cut out his back” sound best said as casually as possible.

  3. I think Gabe is secretly in love with Gwyneth Paltrow.

  4. I bet her roast chicken and potatoes taste like bitch

  5. Tastes as good going down as it does getting blasted out of your colon later by detoxification specialist Dr. Alejandro Junger.

  6. caractacus  |   Posted on Jul 23rd, 2009 +51

    As a representative of England, that is not how we bake our potatoes.

  7. Also, one Kaballah bracelet!
    Homegirl would give her middle nut to be British.

  8. I thought you meant “gorge” as in, “I want to gorge my eyes out after watching this.”

  9. Sal  |   Posted on Jul 23rd, 2009 +24

    Her stories of being a struggling actress are truly heartbreaking stuff. It makes me tearful thinking of her existing on frozen meatballs, not even cooked ones!

  10. If you don’t have a child named Apple, feel free to use a regular apple to finish off your recipe!

  11. That was so hot how she shoved all that stuff up a dead chickens backside.

  12. ENOUGH WITH THE RED STRING KABBALAH BRACELETS.

    my crazy grandmother put one on me as a baby to ward off the evil eye. it’s nonsense.

    CELEBS, LEAVE IT ALONE.

    signed,
    jewy mcjewson

  13. You will also need to pronounce olive oil as olivooyil.

  14. I used to be friends with somebody who went to the same fancy academy as Gwyneth (Spence, in NYC). I’m not sure if growing terrible human beings there is something they do on purpose or it’s just luck, but I’ve always imagined it along the lines of Gossip Girl’s Constance Billard, in which case there must be somebody actively trying for awfulness. Good job!

  15. Ew  |   Posted on Jul 23rd, 2009 +26

    Perhaps she thoroughly washed the cutting board in between takes (which it doesn’t look like it, considered she casually wiped it off with her HAND), but I found it repulsive that she put the veggies on the board after having a raw chicken laying there. Also, it didn’t seem as though she washed her hands at any point. Also, also…I hope nobody else was actually eating that, especially after she ate the salad then STUCK THE FORK BACK IN THE BOWL! Gross. Note to self: Decline any further dinner invites from Gwyneth.

    • Someone better tell William Joel he’s gonna get salmonella on his next visit back to the estate.

    • clemmie  |   Posted on Jul 23rd, 2009 +5

      to be fair she did have two different chopping boards.. but a bit of salad fell out of mouth back into the bowl while she was chomping.. so, gross.

  16. That’s not how you de-bone a chicken. That’s called spatchcocking. NICE TRY, GWYNETH.

  17. In a self-sacrificial act, Gabe has subscribed to the the YouTube channel, I noticed.
    Greater love hath no man than this, that a man subscribe to GOOP for his readers.

  18. Because she totally doesn’t have a personal chef and has to cook dinner for her family when she gets home from “work”. Yeah.

  19. Have fun at dinner.

  20. I should not have watched that video. It’s going to be hard for me to continue laughing at Gabe’s sardonic takedowns of Gwyneth Paltrow now that I see she seems like a nice, playful, lighthearted human being much like you or I. She speaks in a colloquial way that’s inviting and familiar, she tosses items in the air while cooking (you have to admit that towel toss at the end of the video was cute), and the recipe (aside from the salad) is easy to prepare and contains common ingredients frequently eaten by us “normal people”. Did that video not soften anyone else’s heart?

    • ugh – hate to say it. agreed.

    • I think its more the context, you know? Like, the implication is that the audience doesn’t know how to cook chicken, that this is any sort of “fast food”, that people don’t know how to follow recipies, etc. It’s not like she’s a “bad” person, just an aloof one. People generally chaffe against others presenting themselves as “knowing what’s best”, especially those who’s lives are so completely different than the general population’s. Who knows. But you’re right, this clip isn’t that bad, there’s a sense of self-deprication, and that she’s having fun with it.

    • I applaud your courage, Kendall.

    • uhmmm….no, it’s easy to be carefree and whimsical when you live in a bubble of privileged self satisfaction, and not to get all falseconsciousness.gum but this is far more condescending than it is endearing.

    • do you have champagne vinegar in your cupboards?

  21. Who’s filming this? It’s not like she just set up a tri-pod. There is some actual production value here. There’s an accomplice. Somebody is behind the camera, of which i think there may be 3, standing, mouth agape, wondering at what exact point their cinematography/directoral dremas collapsed in on themselves., ultimately realizing it was the moment they clicked reply to the craigslist ad “Freelance Director Needed for Upscale Lifestyle Weblog Features! Once in a lifetime opportunity to work with GWENYTH!!!!”

  22. This is clearly viral marketing disguised as a how-to recipe video. As soon as I clicked on the topic, a banner popped up directing me to the latest Coldplay video.

    I think… Gabe works for Goop.com… on the side!!! He’s running her PR! :O

  23. Double Dog: Gabe makes this and eats it.

  24. She’s such a Neden Hole

  25. Chicken? I thought Gwyneth Paltrow, of all people, would be a vegetarian vegan!

    • J  |   Posted on Jul 23rd, 2009 +9

      Just remember, that chicken had to die just so Gwenyth Paltrow could make this video. Kind of makes me want to become a vegetarian.

      • As a vegetarian myself, and having read the below statement from Paltrow previously, I find the above video flat out disgusting. Gwyneth, I wish you weren’t A LIAR.

        “At the end of our conversation, Gwyneth said that although she understands why fur gets so much attention, she thinks vegetarianism is something people should focus on more. She said that both she and her husband Chris Martin are pretty much vegetarian, saying, “We know it’s the best diet for us and our kids, and of course for animals and the environment.”

    • ya know whats funny, she actually claims to be vegetarian, but I have seen her eat poultry on several occasions. once she was talking about how she doesn’t eat meat WHILE eating chicken.

      • Apparently “pretty much vegetarian” means you cut through a chicken carcass with kitchen shears, with special emphasis on cutting out the back bones, because “this will cut the cooking time in half”. She’s more a butcher than a vegetarian.

  26. *ack! “cry and soil…”

  27. GPalt  |   Posted on Jul 23rd, 2009 +9

    She said University of California at Santa Barbara, not USC.

  28. At tthis point there is only one double dog…it’s Gabe at the gathering of the juggaloos.

  29. She did it all by herself. Clever girl.

  30. I’d let her toss my salad with that dressing.

  31. I would just like to add that GOOP is also available in Spanish. Let’s take this thing global Gywnnie!

  32. a couple of garlics. yep.

  33. “OOH! I lost a ‘tater!” C’mon everyone, that was precious.

  34. blokblokblok  |   Posted on Jul 23rd, 2009 +4

    OMG! She’s not using All-Clad pans? What sort of half-assed middle-class shit IS this?

  35. Anni  |   Posted on Jul 23rd, 2009 +4

    Fleur de sel? The pretentiousness is hurting my brain.

  36. hilary  |   Posted on Jul 24th, 2009 +9

    WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TIN FOIL ON THE CHICKEN????????

    • Carms  |   Posted on Jul 24th, 2009 +1

      Thats exactly what I was wondering! But I skipped to the end, so i didn’t know if in the meantime she took it out… or something…

  37. PAULA  |   Posted on Jul 24th, 2009 +5

  38. anon  |   Posted on Jul 24th, 2009 +5

    Uppity actresses showing me a quick recipe for roasting a chicken is not that annoying. I know it’s de rigeur to mock her, but at least she’s not lecturing me about saving the orphans or tesitfying before Congress or being fawned over by public officials like she’s some kind of foreign policy expert instead of just another youth-obsessed…uppity actress..

  39. I hate to get all correctiongum here, but Bruce Paltrow was not a famous movie actor. The man produced this unimaginable horror, but he also produced some pretty great TV shows. Let’s do the math. White Shadow + Homicide + St. Elsewhere = -1(Gwyneth + “Duets”). I’d say the man comes out even.

  40. You know she doesn’t even know about the Food Network. I can just picture her planning this out thinking, “This is going to be so great for middle America, visual learning of cooking along with verbal explanations!” Groan.

    Also, bitch does not eat white potoatoes. She’d sooner die or Madonna would knock them out of her mouth and then take her to the gym to “shock” her abs! I do not care for Gwyneth! Yikes!

  41. Joe  |   Posted on Jul 24th, 2009 +1

    Hilary, I think the foil probably got pulled off during the last 5 or 10 minutes of roasting, just so the skin would brown a bit. I’m sure Gwyneth — or Gwyth, as I like to call her — just assumed everyone would be familiar with that tried and true technique, which one of her famous chef friends probably taught her, and which she probably has permanently inscribed into her leg grease.

    What does fleur de sel mean?

  42. I do this exact same thing every night, except with a glass of wine in one hand and kids screaming in the next room. Where the hell is my cooking show?

  43. I love how she didn’t mention that she dropped out of that college after one semester. Hoping people will think this uneducated, plain Jane is more than what she really is.

  44. I love how she didn’t mention that she dropped out of that college after one semester. Hoping people will think this uneducated, plain Jane is more than what she really is.

  45. I love her recipe for “The Worst”.

  46. Ack  |   Posted on Jul 25th, 2009 +4

    Excuse me while I visit my ass to pull out some fresh fava beans and sweet english peas.

  47. Tim  |   Posted on Jul 27th, 2009 0

    I know Gwyneth P is the worst and whatever, but this meal really looks amazing. All I’m saying is that if I knew what or where a farmer’s market was, I would be there right now buying upscale ingredients and preparing to rip out a chickens spine.

  48. Carin  |   Posted on Jul 28th, 2009 0

    I don’t know what Paltrow thinks she’s playing at. It’s common knowledge Christopher Walken already dominates the celebrity-chicken-cooking world. That girl has got to find her own poultry.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43VjLCRqKNk

  49. crys  |   Posted on Aug 12th, 2009 -1

    Wow. People are so mean-spirited.

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