[Originally posted on March 21st, 2012.]

Ring ding dong, ring a ding ding ding dong, keep your heads Red Bull!

What’s up, young women who were barely even bothered by the Rush Limbaugh dustup with Sandra Fluke because they recognized it for the desperate and panicked last gasps of a fading patriarchy that it was, and young men who similarly don’t mind that I addressed the young women first because they were confident they would be addressed eventually and we are all equals now in this new world, or at least we should be? Wassssuuuuuuup?! Today I want to rap at you about the NEW THREE SECOND TEASER TRAILER FOR TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART 2. Sew your heads back on, but don’t be nervous if they fall right back off. That’s normal. Your body is going through a lot of changes. iPad 3.

You’re about to be the koolest kid on your kblock because fter the jump we’ve got the brand new trailer. YOU SAW IT HERE FIRST. (“But Gabe, there’s 2.9 million views on this trailer already, surely we didn’t see it first?” DON’T TALK BACK. YOU WANT SOME MORE DETENTION, MR. BENDER?) Pad your butts with Dorito’s brand Butt Pads. Here we go:

GAHHHHHHH! AT FIRST WEREN’T YOU SO WORRIED THAT THE CHARACTERS MIGHT LOOK DIFFERENT THIS TIME EVEN THOUGH THEY’VE NEVER REALLY LOOKED DIFFERENT, ALTHOUGH ACTUALLY I GUESS TEAM JACOB LOOKED PRETTY DIFFERENT IN THE FIRST MOVIE BEFORE THEY WERE LIKE GET RID OF THIS NERD THE GIRLS HATE HIM AND THE NERD WAS LIKE HOLD ON LET ME JUST EAT 100 POUNDS OF SKINLESS STEAMED CHICKEN AND THEY WERE LIKE ALSO YOUR HAIR BRO AND HE WAS LIKE ON IT? BUT THEY DON’T LOOK DIFFERENT! I MEAN, I GUESS TEAM JACOB HAS A NEW SHIRT ON THAT IS MADE OUT OF PANTYHOSE, BUT OTHERWISE IT’S ALL OUR OLD FRIENDS AND EVEN THE MOUNTAINS LOOK THE SAME STILL AND NOW TEAM BELLA IS RUNNING SO FAST THROUGH THE WOODS AND I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HOW FAST SHE RUNS. IS THE MOVIE ABOUT A RACE? I CAN’T WAIT! I HOPE TEAM BELLA WINS FOR HER CHARITY! VAMPIRES! NO PARENTS! BE COOL STAY IN SCHOOL! YOU MIGHT MEET THE VAMPIRE OF YOUR DREAMS IN THE CAFETERIA!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[Originally posted on March 21st, 2012.]

Comments (11)
  1. Bubbles  |   Posted on Feb 7th +31

    So I have to head to Lake Placid today (tough life!) but it’s Videogum’s last day and I wanted to post something before I went. Thank you to everyone who has made this site worth reading: Kelly, Gabe, Lindsay, all of us monsters, celebrities doing stupid things; thanks to the community we have developed here, and to the hope that this site can continue in some form in the future. It might sound silly or cliched but I felt there was enough intelligence, warmth, and happiness here to keep me going on a bad day, and to make me love a good day even more. Excelsior, everyone.

    And please, join us on Vgum.wordpress.com (you too, Kelly!), that Lady Rainicorn has so thoughtfully set up for us.

  2. Hi you guys – I don’t know if I’ll be able to get online again before the end of the day, so am posting this here. I’ll see you all at the other site, although I might use a different name because I’m over mine. Any suggestions?

    Thank you for everything Kelly, and best of luck to you. Love you, Videogummers.

  3. ATTENTION: Young ladies who know they have agency and can make their own big decisions in this world and young gentlemen who will grow up to be fine having a woman for a boss, it is Videogum’s last day!

    I know what you’re thinking, “But Superglue, this website came out when I was an infant! Lincoln Logs!” but hear me out. This dope-ass twizzzted website is the dopest assest twizzztedest website around so SHOW SOME GOD DAMN RESPECT. All your sweet 4fathers like G. Washingteezy and T. Jefferstizzle founded this crazy mixed up country with the intent of making this website the Best. Website. Ever. and now the Man, which you will probably learn about in 3 or 4 years when you’re like SOOO OLLLLLD and BOOOOORRRRING, is shutting it down. So take your bourgeoning awareness of the world and picket that ho! Videogum roolz! Spinmedia droolz!!!!!!!!

    I’ll say it again: VIDEOGUM ROOLZ! SPINMEDIA DROOOOLLLLLLZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!

  4. I just realized something today, you guys. We talk a big game, but none of us, not a single one of us, even tried to win the amount of money that Spinmedia needed to save our community rec centre (videogum) in a dance battle.

    • Well I had choreographed a whole inspired dance routine by myself on the deck of an abandoned aircraft carrier, but then those bastards from Spinmedia were spying on me and stole the whole thing! I don’t even know if we will be able to pull it together to win the International Blogdancing Championships tonight, for which the grand prize is exactly the amount of money they’re demanding for Videogum’s deed, but damn it if we don’t pull something together at the last minute this whole 6 year long movie will have been for nothing!

  5. If anybody is looking to drown their sorrows tonight, I can guarantee that this Twilight drinking game will help (it resulted in one of the top three drunkest nights in my life):

    -Drink any time Bella says or does something that makes you feel worried about feminism
    -Drink any time Jacob takes off his shirt
    -Drink any time somebody shows off their magical vampire abilities
    -Drink any time two characters stare wordlessly at each other for at least three consecutive cuts

  6. Well now I have backup plans tonight

  7. http://blackwomenwhitemen.info/after-find-dating.html.

    Single black people meeting single white people is why we are here.

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