One of my favorite mementos of anyone’s childhood is anything the now-adult wrote when he or she was under the age of thirteen. As far as I can tell, nearly all children are Tavi Gevinsons now, so I’m sure it won’t be as fun for them when they are adults (“Ugh, here’s a thinkpiece I wrote on the negative affect Twitter has on a writer’s creative process when I was, like, 10 years old, yuck, so embarrassing.”), but when we were kids were were all STRAIGHT UP DUMB-DUMB WEIRDOS! When I was home recently I found a play I wrote in either fourth or fifth grade in which a friend attempts to murder a ghost by shooting it, but to make sure the ghost doesn’t run away the friend tells another friend to stand behind it. And then the friend dies? And becomes another ghost. Hahahah. I know that makes me sound like a sociopath, but do remember that it was 100 years ago, it was played for comedy, and you don’t know me so maybe I am a sociopath. LONG STORY SHORT, children are insane, and their writing is the best. Case in point: this eight-year-old’s Friends spec script.

Hahahaha. Perfect. I love it. (Can we get the cast back together for a quick reunion? Seinfeld is doing one!) You can read the rest here to find out what happens to Rachel. (Via BuzzFeed.)

Comments (32)
  1. We were on a time out!

  2. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

  3. Kate, how old was Kelly when she wrote this?

  4. “Beauty is Vanna White” – 8-year-old me (the assignment was to write a poem about beauty)

  5. Kids write such wonderful garbage! I recently rediscovered one of my own short stories and I don’t mean to brag guys but I think it’s pretty good: “Once upon a time, there was a rabbit and a mouse. They were best friends. Suddenly a fox came along. They were all best friends now! Until the fox ate them.”

  6. When I was 8 or 9 I “wrote” stories for my GI Joes that were basically Simpsons stories with the GI Joe’s names. “No one’s going to remember that SImpsons show in a couple years anyway.” -8 year old Chris Trash

  7. I remember dictating “books” for my dad to write down, which I would then illustrate. I forget what they were about, but I’m sure ponies where involved.

  8. In my teens I wrote a novelization of Final Fantasy X. I got about halfway before I gave up. Still, that’s a couple hundred pages.

    • Oh man, I wrote a “novel” when I was like 14 that was basically just a description of Baz Luhrman’s Romeo and Juliet. I was totally sure I was going to become this literary prodigy and get it published. THANK GOD I DID NOT.

  9. I recently found some comic books I made when I was 8 or 9. They were so hilariously dramatic, I cried laughing.

  10. When I was in 5th grade (ish) I made a fashion design book. It was seriously late 80s/early 90s fabulous! It even had hairstyle suggestions (one example: the “fountain”). On a recent trip home, my mom showed it to mr truck and it now makes frequent appearances in our jokes. Example: Me: How’s my hair? Mr Truck: Well, it’s nice, but wouldn’t The Fountain match that outfit better?

  11. Still better than all fifty of my Brooklyn Nine-Nine spec scripts. :(

  12. i tried to write a play when i was little set in the jazz age, but just looked up popular 1920s phrases on the internet and then tried to order them into some sort of conversation. i also remember writing another “play” about a teen romance where the girls were in love with guys who didn’t want to do anything but watch star wars on repeat. little did i know it was foreshadowing for the majority of my adult relationships.

  13. Now I really, really wish I had copies of any of my aborted attempts at Star Trek novels

  14. flanny  |   Posted on Jan 31st +16

    I’m not even going to pretend like I don’t think the stuff I wrote in middle school was great. I made up a fake pop band and a whole fake town they lived in and wrote BOP- and Tiger Beat-style articles about them. I still have them all in a very cool binder with stickers all over it. If you’re wondering if Devon Sawa was the inspiration for one of band members, wonder no more, because he was. I would have KILLED on tumblr.

  15. I can’t find it but do any of you listen to Risk podcast? There was this one where a woman told a story of how at her parent’s house she found a porno script she’d been working on when she was 11. It starred Kirk Cameron and Paula Abdul and there was a lot of wild humping and peeing on each other.

  16. When I was about 8 I wrote a story about a girl whose cool older babysitter took her and her friends to a Michael Jackson concert, and in the middle of the show Michael Jackson said “Hey cool girl, come and dance with me.” And she got to dance on stage! They all got in big trouble, but it was totally worth it.

  17. SPOILER ALERT: Act 2 contains references to Terminator 2, so needless to say I highly recommend clicking over to read the rest of the script. #LongLiveTheMightyDonut

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