For a sports fan, there is truly nothing like letting the experts battle it out on the green while you sit at home with a cool cocktail in your hand, enjoying their skill. Of course, relaxation and fun go hand in hand! So it stands to reason that The Super Bowl, during which two sets of star athletes test their televised physical prowess, would be one of a fan’s most successful cocktail (and snack!) days. Ha-ha, we have to admit, truly a day when we would rather NOT strap on a pair of softies and get our own sneakies in the mud. To be sure, though, our sporting energy must go somewhere — perhaps we can get our hands on an at-home playtool and toss it to like-minded acquaintances, or, better yet, we can transfer our energy into our cocktails! I’ve compiled a few expert recipes below to ensure that, even if your favorite athlete doesn’t perform his or her best, your party will make a classic two-point score!

The Kickoff
1 star player
1/4 oz determination
2 oz hard work
Shake for many years.

The Touchdown
14 cheers
1/4 oz good sportsmanship
2.5 oz dedication
Pour over a little touchdown dance.

The Playpass
3 oz skill
1 oz memory
1 dash of sneakiness

The Protector
1 cup softies
3 oz solids
2 undereye blockies
Consume safely, but with bravery.

The Michael Jordan
2 oz Air
4 oz expertise
1 star athlete
Always an enjoyable treat.

The Shhhh
3 oz rapists
4 oz racists
1 dashes of homophobe
2 oz untreated anger
1 ruined skull

The Sack
1 oz expert play
2 oz understanding that star athletes make mistakes, too
1 heart full of love
Shake with a smile.

The Football
1 football
Ahh, the classic beverage!

Remember to enjoy safely, and play ball!

Comments (34)
  1. The Kelly
    1 Click Remote
    66 Buffalos
    More Sand

  2. The “Thank God I Live Alone Now And Don’t Have To Deal With Roommates Who Care About Sports”
    One bottle red wine

  3. Once again, I’ve got to lean on my old standby, the artdork: boxed red wine.

  4. The Puppy Bowl:

    1 yay
    3 shakes of awwww
    Two puddles of pee

  5. The R2
    12 Beers
    3 Shots Whiskey

  6. The Commercial:

    A can of Pepsi
    One bag of crushed Doritos
    Three Clydesdales
    Casual misogyny
    A few actors you forgot were alive
    One “okay, that was kind of funny.”

  7. The Beast Mode
    1 12 Man Pale Ale
    1 Handful Skittles
    Shake vigorously

  8. The Peyton
    2 oz Rye whiskey
    2 Neck Stem Injections (even though you’re Republican and aren’t you against that or am I being presumptions?)

    Serve with sloppy spiral over fast release.

    Drink with Papa John’s pizza

  9. I think the reason I cannot bring myself to care about sports is that most people pair beer with sporting events, and I don’t really care about beer. This theory is supported by the fact that I actually do enjoy the Kentucky Derby, and also mint juleps.

  10. The Richard Sherman

  11. The Bruno Mars with Special Guests Red Hot Chili Peppers Halftime Spectacular
    - Two ounces of brash pop upstart
    - Three dashes of words that rhyme with states of the union
    - One unexpected/unnecessary Cee-Lo Green cameo

    Serve over ice and channel surf vigorously.

  12. The Not Really Into Football (But No Offense To Anyone Who Is)

    3oz Netflix
    3oz Tortilla chips
    1oz Maybe I’ll go for a run or something if the weather is nice, I dunno

  13. The Lives in Seattle But Doesn’t Watch Football

    1 Quiet afternoon at home

    (Serve in pajamas, with beer.)

  14. The cable and DVR-less
    50.1 oz football game
    4.1 oz changing the channel to watch Sherlock even though there is only 30 seconds left in the game and the team with the ball is down 6 points.
    Shake with ice, pour over one anxiety olive

    • Every olive is an anxiety olive, because they are all living a lie and they know they may get caught at any moment. Any minute, they could get called out on the pimentos being fucking BULLSHIT because they’re not really part of the olive, they’re a whole other plant, and why would anybody go through the trouble of pitting an olive and stuffing a tiny lil’ pimento in there for any reason other than just to be a dickwad?!

      • But! There’s this bar in town that serves a martini with a blue cheese stuffed olive and I would argue that it is an acceptable olive. Especially drowned in gin.

      • As a southerner, pimentos really don’t freak me out at all because we are constantly putting pimentos into everything. Is something already delicious? Put a bunch of pimentos up in there and it’ll be like twice as delicious.That comment just made me want to drink a bunch of martinis with a bigass pile of pimento cheese fries.

    • Anxiety Olive sounds like a troubled children’s book character.

  15. Guys. This Super Bowl is between two teams who are both from states with legal weed. This year there will be Super Bowl Weed Recipes: smoke weed (not really a recipe, just a reminder for those who started early)

  16. Darn. I really thought these were going to be cocktail recipes! I will be drinking boxed wine or if I’m feeling especially ambitious I’ll make margaritas. I have a recipe that uses beer and even though I hate beer, I love the margaritas!

  17. This is very close to what I’ll actually be drinking.

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