“It is better,” said an onlooker. “Right. I mean. The thought of someone abandoning their baby in a dumpster is just horrible. It’s crazy how often you hear things like that on the news — sometimes I feel like they should call it the bad news, hah,” said another. “Yeah, seriously, the thought of that makes me absolutely sick. We’re really lucky that when they checked the dumpster there wasn’t an abandoned baby in there. Humanity was really lucky that there wasn’t.” “Yeah. I am grateful. That would just be so heartbreaking. I don’t know that I could stand something like that. Like, I’m not sure how policemen and fireman or whoever deal with heartbreaking things like that. I guess you have to adjust internally to think that the good you’re doing makes the pain worth it, but jeeze. You’d have to be a strong person.” “Yeah. So. We’re lucky.” “Right. We’re lucky. And the baby that it could have been is lucky.” “Yeah. Phew.” “Thank god.” “Thank god.” — “A FUCKING BAG OF SNAKES, THOUGH?!” “SERIOUSLY, DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK!” [Scene.]

Worst best surprise ever. (Best worst introduction to a story ever.) (Via Arbroath.)

Comments (35)
  1. When I hear “bag of snakes,” my mind instinctively goes to the most traumatic moment of my childhood:

  2. Snakes in a motherf&&**n bag!*

    *had to be said.

  3. “Bag of snakes” is surprisingly far down the list of worst things you might find abandoned on the street in Brooklyn.

  4. If this is fake, please do not tell me. I don’t want to live in a world where it’s not true.

  5. The Mongoose’s calling card? No, too easy. This snakes were left to make the auto shop workers think they were a baby…Baby Snakes! Just like the Frank Zappa Album. Who was Zappa’s productor at the time? Peter Wolf…a baby wolf is un cub…un cub or un puppy. What’s going on in Nueva York this week? ..El Superbowl. This is obviously the work of The Dawg Pound Gang sending a message to the Cleveland for failure to send the Browns to El Superbowl!

  6. What is with people abandoning babies in dumpsters?? Ladies, bring your embarrassing mistake-babies somewhere less murdery! Like to a baby dealer who will give you sweet hot cash! Or put them on a childless rich couple’s doorstep with a note that says “Here.” Literally so many ideas.

    I guess keep abandoning your snakes in dumpsters, though. That seems best. But tie the bag VERY tight and be sure to Sharpie “NOT A BABY. SNAKES” on it.

    • maybe they heard that old saying, “throw the baby out”

    • I actually just did a training for the hospital system which included a segment on the protocol for baby-abandoning. I did not pay much attention because I am essentially a philosophy student and not a night guard in the ER, but my understanding is that there are special legally neutral tables which allow babies to be abandoned without guilt, but you can’t touch the baby at the wrong point in the process or suddenly it’s all finder’s keepers and you/the hospital is stuck with a baby forever. Pretty sure that’s how the law works in PA?

      • There are foundling laws in a lot of places that allow women to abandon their newborns without penalty in specific areas, like hospitals or fire stations. I remember reading an article once about a drop-off location that literally had a slot you could put a baby into, like it was mail. The problem is that girls/women who are desperate to rid themselves of their mistake-babies and, up to the point of birth, have taken zero steps to deal with the mistake-baby responsibly aren’t likely to know what the laws are.

        • Maybe you don’t know exaaactly what all the laws are, but it seems likely you’d guess there’s one against throwing a baby in a dumpster.

  7. please be part of an svu plot, please please please give finn a snappy one liner pleaseee

  8. Kelly, where is the damn trigger warning?

  9. THAT’S where I left it! *smacks forehead*

  10. I defy anyone to name one good place to leave a bag of snakes

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