Poor Jennifer Aniston. All she has is talent, success, fame, beauty, and multiple homes, and now it looks like her mere existence is cursing a new, younger generation of spinsters. Unless…oh my god, is it possible that Jennifer Aniston slipped into Taylor Swift’s room late at night and breathed the curse of the Unwed Empty Womb right into her mouth? Oh my. THAT WITCH! WITCHCRAFT! DROWN THE OLD WITCH! From Gossip Cop, via Celebitchy (good sources):

Taylor Swift is “in a deep depression over her single status,” reports Star. According to the tabloid’s latest Swift insider, “She’s incredibly down. She just can’t seem to find the right guy.”

“She said, ‘I just don’t get it. Why can’t I keep a guy? I feel like I’m turning into Jennifer Aniston. It’s just so unfair.’”

The magazine’s alleged “tipster” says: “Jared Leto ran for the hills after she chatted him up at a Golden Globes after party; Snapchat CEO Evan Spiegel hasn’t called her back after they went to a New Year’s Eve party together; and actor Douglas Booth totally brushed her off at a West Holywood bash last November.”

Poor Taylor Swift. All she has is talent, mega success, fame, beauty, multiple homes…oh my god. SHE IS TURNING INTO JENNIFER ANISTON! (PS: “The tabloid’s latest Swift insider.” What is happening to all of their Swift insiders?!) Quick, the only way we can break the curse is by having Taylor Swift do the Superbowl halftime show, like she should be doing, instead of boring fucking Bruno Mars, I don’t even know why he got that gig in the first place! Then maybe she won’t have to face the world alone without a ring on her finger or a child in her womb like, ugh, ahhg, ggguuhh, I can barely even say it…JENNIFER ANISTON! #pray4taylor #alsopray4bieber

Comments (43)
  1. Being 24, rich, and single does sound pretty depressing.

  2. She shouldn’t have been so hasty in never ever getting back together.

  3. How can *I* turn into Jennifer Aniston? Is there a class I can sign up for or something? I’m a tragic, childless spinster anyway; I might as well be one on a yacht in Antibes.

  4. What a spinster.

  5. Based on the visual evidence I’d say she’s actually turning into Miley.

  6. im going to go out on a limb here and say that i would date jennifer anniston or taylor swift

  7. flanny  |   Posted on Jan 23rd +12

    Oh boy, I just wikied “spinster” because I’m an academic, and here is what we got.

    A spinster, or old maid, is an older, childless woman who has never been married. A “spinster” is not simply a “single” woman, but a woman who has not formed a human pair bond by the time she is approaching or has reached menopause and the end of her reproductive lifespan.

    A HUMAN PAIR BOND? Frankly, that sounds terrifying, and I can’t wait until I hit menopause so that I don’t have to worry about forming one of those. (Also, save money on tampons.)

    • “WOULD YOU LIKE TO FORM A PAIR BOND WITH ME, FELLOW HUMAN?” –what I’m going to lead with next time I see a cute guy

    • “Do you like pears?”
      “I LOVE pears!”
      “Let’s form a pear bond!”

    • A human pair bond is when a male human puts the suction cups of his tentacles onto the female human’s spinal ducts and then they spin for 45 minutes. After that they have a big party with all their friends and family and get a lot of housewares.

    • Sorry for the rabbit hole…

    • You’re an academic? You should know that sometimes, maybe a lot of times, but for sure today, I hate your kind. Pro-tip: If your editor has minor questions for you, but also keeps on asking where your edited proofs are because you are a week past the deadline, and you keep on answering the minor questions but ignoring anything related to your proofs, he might sorta hate you and stop caring about your book at all, so god knows how that thing will turn out.

      • I am not an academic. Sadly, there is no PhD program in Celebrity Crushes, which is basically the only thing I’m willing dedicate that much time to researching. Good luck with whatever that thing is that you’re talking about, tho!!!

      • I work with academics and feel you.

        • Oh my. What do you have to do with them? Have you ever met one who thinks that the proper handling of all quoted material is to have it in italics? That’s fun.

      • I feel your pain. What is a poor (literally), young, relatively inexperienced editor to do with a star author who — goes on 2 1/2 month holiday and is incommunicado; cannot open word documents; sends in handwritten manuscripts; hires a typesetter who sends the soft copies 1 1/2 months late; comes back and then goes off for ANOTHER 2 week holiday — all this while the aforementioned editor has to fend off increasingly agitated queries, from her immediate superior, Acquisitions Editor, Publishing Manager, Prepress, Production, Sales, Marketing, distributors, the Ministry of Education, irate parents and teachers and friends and family member who also all happen to be happen mostly irate teachers. Did I mention that I work in the highly glamourous and well-paying (NOT) world of educational publishing?

  8. The Good Girl is a super underrated movie.

    “Trouble” is a super raw song.

    Coincidence?

    • AHHH I block out the memory of that movie (which yes, is pretty underrated) because the Jake Gyllenhaal character is literally named Holden Worther and I just can’t, nope, no way

    • Zoey Deschanel is a treasure in that movie. “Ghouls and goblins, witches and warlocks. I put a Halloween curse on your hellish heads.”

  9. I can see Taylor getting into a real Notting Hill situation and by that I mean she will find happiness with Hugh Grant.

    Also, Taylor would be better than Bruno Mars for the Super Bowl. But the weirdest part is what are RHCP doing there!? Why do the good time vibes of Bruno Mars need to be buttressed with a 14 minute version of Under the Bridge?

    • Coach’s Halftime Speech: “We’ve got to protect the ball better in the second half. Don’t be like those guys up on stage and just give it away, give it away, give it away now or we’ll be locked out of heaven when the clock runs out.”

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