I know it’s early, and that you might be a person who likes to stand in the morning while you still have a good amount of energy (so you can feel a little less guilty when you sit for the rest of the day), but I am going to have to implore you to sit down right now and not risk the chance of making the people around you, who are just trying to get through their days without having to watch you STAND at work like a stupid lunatic, revive you when you straight up pass out and hit your skull on the ground from this Robert Pattinson news. Okay? DID YOU FOLLOW? WAS IT POSSIBLE TO FOLLOW? I AM REALLY NOT SURE IF IT WAS, IN ANY CASE, I HOPE YOU TOOK MY ADVICE BECAUSE HERE IT COMES, FROM E ONLINE:

“I was a brush-your-teeth-and-have-a-shower kind of guy. I can’t tell if it’s because of my association with Dior or because I’m older, but I’ve started moisturizing,” the Twilight heartthrob revealed, citing Dermo System Repairing Moisturizing Emulsion as his favorite skin salve. “It’s been a quite a profound change in my life,” he added with a tinge of sarcasm.

Is anyone else sick? Ahhh. I know I said to sit down, and I was sitting, but it doesn’t really help the dizziness. Guhhh. Well. Pull it together, everybody, we’re adults. We can do this. Each of us, even Robert Pattinson, will decay until one day our hearts stop pumping blood through our dirty old bodies, at which point we’ll begin the process of becoming dirt. We’re almost there. Whether your dirt is Dermo System Repairing Moist or not, and whether that’s because of your Dior association or what, well, that is up to you, but we all know what Robert’s situation will be. Uggghhhh. Is anyone else thirsty? Like, so thirsty? Is it dark inside, or just outside and the darkness is coming in through the windows? Moisturizer? Guys?

Comments (17)
  1. Aw, this reminds me of how my older brother pulled me aside and asked some slightly frantic questions about skincare during his holiday visit. He’s an intermittent smoker and has never bothered to use sunscreen, and it’s starting to catch up with him and bothers him a lot. I felt bad!

    • Also, yes, obviously this was a dumb question, but dude, you’re shilling cologne for a cosmetics company, so can it with your “tinge of sarcasm.” (Sorry, R Pattz bugs me. If the whole celebrity thing annoys you so much, dude, STOP BEING ONE.)

  2. So is he no longer brushing and showering then?

  3. This is a garbage planet.

  4. Sorry, but you can’t be a grown man who uses moisturizer while also having the facial hair of a college sophomore. It’s one or the other, and the time to choose is now.

  5. So the news isn’t his substitute teacher goatee?

  6. Whenever I see goatees I’m like, why did you do that to your beard?

  7. I actually think the real news here is that he actually showers. Could have fooled me.

  8. Does his preferred moisturizer make his skin all sparkly? That “vampire in the sun” glisten?

  9. Being born with super sensitive dry skin it always amazes me that people don’t moisturize every day.

    I hate you all, people that don’t need to moisturize.

    • If I don’t start moisturizing soon, I’m going to really regret it. My skin isn’t super dry, but the wrinkles are coming! I will look at this story as making a profound change in my life by inspiring me to moisturize like an adult.

      My hands are insanely sensitive because I wash them so much. No matter how much I moisturize them, they still look like 90 year old lady hands, and usually look sunburned.

    • I only really need to moisturize my hands since I wash them so frequently, but I do wear sunscreen just about every day. If it makes you feel better, I may not need to moisturize, but I did suffer really awful acne into adulthood until I took Accutane. I’d take sensitive dry skin over that.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.