• If someone brings up something that they read in the New Yorker say, “Oh, did you see that piece on Jon Gosselin?” “No, I didn’t,” they’ll say, “…the New Yorker did a piece on Jon Gosselin? Was it just online, or…?” And then you say, “No, it wasn’t in the New Yorker. Anyway, he got a vasectomy.”
  • If you are at a party and you’re introduced to a friend of a friend, mention right away that you spend a lot of time browsing the Internet. They’ll say something like yeah me too, or whatever, and then you say, “Did you see the vasectomy thing?” If they don’t know what you’re talking about say, “Oh I guess we must be spending time on two DIFFERENT Internets, hah. Jon Gosselin got a vasectomy.”
  • While watching TV with a friend say, “Remember that show Jon & Kate Plus Eight?” He or she will say, “Yes.” Then you say, “Man, don’t you wish that guy would just get a vasectomy already?” He or she will say, “Ha-ha. Yeah, right?” You say, “He did get one.”
  • If your hairdresser asks you if you’ve done anything fun lately say, “I got a vasectomy.” After they respond say, “I mean Jon Gosselin got one.”
  • If someone mentions something that you don’t know enough about to hold a conversation say,”Oh my god, that reminds me — ah, actually, nevermind.” They’ll say, “What?” You’ll say, “No, nevermind. I just read something about this guy– ahhh, actually, yeah, just– nevermind.” They’ll say, “No, come on, what is it?” You say, “For real, don’t worry about it. Maybe I’ll send you something about it later.” Don’t tell them what it was, but the guy was Jon Gosselin and the thing was that he got a vasectomy.
Comments (20)
  1. I am sensitive about bringing up vasectomies in convo because my mom said as soon as I was born my dad went and got one immediately.

  2. Thank you, Jon Gosselin?

  3. Back when their show was still a thing that people cared about for some reason, I got really sick and did pretty much nothing for a week but watch TV in a dazed stupor (I was in college at the time, so really, it wasn’t all that different from any other week) and in desperation, I watched a marathon of episodes because there was nothing else on. While Kate was definitely terrible, just, JOHN, you guys. Oh my god, what a useless whiny manbaby. My blood pressure would rise just watching him act like helping to take care of the children he made was, like, hard and stuff, and does he haaaave to?

    So, that was a very involved way to say UGH, THIS GUY.

  4. Well, we already knew that he hated condoms…

  5. Too little too late, I’d say.

  6. My fantasy team? Pretty good. Had to cut Jonathan Stewart last week. And that wasn’t the only Jon who got cut. Ya, that’s right. Jon & Kate. Vasectomy.

  7. I wish they’d build a high-speed train from my apartment to my work like they just built Jon Gosselin a high-speed vas deferens from his testicles to nowhere.

  8. Do you think the women that are into him are all nostalgic for 2007 or so? And they all get to leave with souvenir Ed Hardy shirts since they don’t get a bunch of human babies? What about Von Dutch hats? What happened to those? Maybe that was more 2003 or 2004… Do you think Paris Hilton has a stockpile of those stupid hats in her basement, waiting for them to regain value like incandescent lightbulbs? Or does someone have a stockpile of Paris Hiltons?

    It’s going to be a long day…

    • Future generations will say, “Paris Hilton made her money in hotels? Hahaha, you’re crazy, everyone knows she is the VON DUTCH HAT BARONESS.”

      “But it’s true. You kids are morons.” — elderly Lighbulb Monopolist badideajeans

  9. Just try to play it cool, like, “Oh man, I guess Jon Gosselin got his love tunnel snipped?” Then kind of dance away like some minimal German techno song is playing that no one else can hear.

  10. “Cheese and sour cream on your burrito?”

    “Um, I don’t know, did Jon Gosselin get a vasectomy?”


    “Oh, for the love…YES”

  11. On Christmas eve my dad brought up that he had a vasectomy.

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