[Ed. Note: Carmen Petaccio is a writer from New York City. He blogs regularly at bpofd.com and loves Sleepy Hollow.]

His name is Ichabod Crane. In 1776, the FOX Broadcasting Company placed his spooky supernatural buddy cop sci-fi time-travel action dramedy on a seemingly endless holiday hiatus. And in those dark days America’s only defense against the forces of evil/hell/Chris Christie were Juan Pablo and the Peanut M&M. But those dark days are, thankfully, over. Ichabod Crane has returned from holiday hiatus, and he has done so in the highest and most irksome of fashions: skinny jeans from Urban Outfitters.

Being a human being, Ichabod hates trying on his skinny jeans from Urban Outfitters. Luckily, his best friend and cop partner Abbie is there to provide emotional support and color-blocked tees. He says, “I don’t understand your obsession with my finery.” I say, “Well you better start understanding,” as I admire his Jared Leto skeleton legs. Abbie defines the word “boondoggle” for Ichabod. Ichabod changes into his usual threadbare duster and reminds her that there’s a ten-foot-tall, inter-dimensional molester demon trying to murder her. Business as usual!

Captain Orlando Jones has his hands full at SHPD, where he’s investigating the demon-possessed Hot Dog salesman who said demons were gonna steal or maybe kill his daughter, Rue from District 11. So OJ has assembled a crack team of quadrilateral-jawed PIs, including jerk-faced Morales and some other Abercrombie model who will definitely die. What they don’t know is that the demon can hop from one body to another. Hot Dog Salesman passed the demon onto the Lady in the Park, and now the Lady in the Park has passed the demon onto some Rando Cop. Rando Cop then calls OJ from (Scream voice) inside the Sleepy Hollow Police Department. The demon wants George Washington’s Bible (natch). OJ calls Abbie for the Bible. Abbie can’t talk because she’s watching the Sheriff’s demon exorcism vlog, on which her sister, Jenny, is the demon-possessed person being demon exorcised. What a sentence.

Enter Jenny. She refuses to help, remembers this is Sleepy Hollow, and agrees to help. They stream more of Sheriff’s vlog, where Demon Jenny writhes in her Ring costume and screams about killing Abbie. Apparently, Jenny forgot to mention any of this, since they weren’t “besties” then. (Chill omission, chill use of “bestie” in demon murder discussion.) She refuses to help again, but Ichabod reminds her this is Sleepy Hollow, persuasion capital of the universe, so she agrees to help. Then she confesses to getting herself arrested and committed to prevent her murdering Abbie, which she also forgot to mention, since they weren’t “besties.” Cool omissions all around from J. Mills.

At the OJ-arranged “safe” house for Rue, the now demon-possessed Agent Abercrombie is passing demon-possession around like that cough that was going around my work last week. He’s got it, then Morales has got it, before you know it, everybody’s coughing possessed by a demon. But the safe house’s complimentary exorcism priest is taking every precaution. He’s poured salt across all the doorways, which Demon Morales can’t get past. Until Demon Morales asks Abercrombie (who was just possessed by a demon for who knows how long and has no memory of anything that transpired) to wipe away the salt. Abercrombie complies immediately, of course, and also immediately gets rear naked choked to death by Demon Morales. DM tosses Abercrombie’s body off the porch like yesterday’s hummus container and goes inside the safe house. I don’t care how elusive my daughter is in the Arena; I don’t want this freak anywhere near her.

Back at HQ, it’s time for another 10-minute history lesson (never enough!) on dead languages. The gang figures out that they need Benjamin Franklin’s demon-capturing lantern if they’re gonna capture this week’s demon with this week’s cool name, “Ancitif.” And you’d probably think it’d be difficult to track down one of Benjamin Franklin’s demon-capturing lanterns in Westchester County after dark, but you’d be very, very wrong. Because Jenny knows just the doomsday prepper gang to get one from (one being a Benjamin Franklin demon-capturing lantern). They go and do that and almost die until Jenny pops up dual-wielding Uzis. Also Rue is possessed by the demon now.

 

As Ichs, Abs, and Jens rush to the scene, Demon Rue makes quite a fuss. She grows man hands and another forehead. She breaks the complimentary priest’s neck in graphic detail. She even nearly neck-breaks her mommy (teenagers and their Biebers!), but OJ agrees to fork over George Washington’s Bible. The two groups converge at HQ, where Demon Rue’s snarling and WWE voice are no match for the demon-capturing power of Benjamin Franklin’s demon-capturing lantern. So all better! Rue’s man hands become teen hands again, her second forehead ascends to second forehead heaven. Abbie and Jenny hug. Ichabod still isn’t wearing skinny jeans. It all works out (except maybe for Morales, whose being alive status is never clarified). Or at least it seems like it all works out, until Ichabod uses his mortar and pestle to concoct a solution that renders invisible ink visible which he then applies to George Washington’s Bible where a secret message — you know where I’m going with this — George Washington. ISN’T. DEAD. (MAYBE?)

 
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Comments (17)
  1. How do we know GW didn’t just write that date down before he died because it was important – like the date of his next powered wig fitting, or dentist appointment? Also, is next week the finale? Such a strange thing to have it off for so long and then bring it back for just two shows. Aw well…such is TV. More skinny jeans!

    • Re your point about being able to write future dates in the present: that’s a good point. :(

      Re your Q about the finale: next week is the two-hour season finale! :)

    • THANK YOU. I was wondering about this as well, like it’s not saying anywhere that that’s the date it was written, it’s just a rando date.

  2. I wasn’t really into this episode. Was it actually not as good as the other ones or has this terrible winter just robbed me of all joy?

  3. Wait, we finally got the shopping montage we’ve all been hoping for? And it was skinny jeans at Urban Outfitters?

    • side note: saw someone on social media ask if skinny jeans count as “skinny jeans” if “you’re really fat”?
      How hateable is this person, scale of Justin Bieber to Hitler?

      • Uggg.

      • The skinniness of skinny jeans is subjective, not objective. I think they touch on this fact in the Mark Cuban for Sketchers commercial shown above.

      • But skinny jeans make skinny people look fat unless they’re crack thin and then they look sickly. No one looks good in skinny jeans but Kate Middleton. And men shouldn’t look pear-shaped when they are not. It’s such an unflattering look on 99 percent of people. And now regular denim has so much spandex in it that it bunches at the knees. If I wanted to wear stupid leggings, I’d wear stupid leggings. My denim shouldn’t act like tights that got loose in the knee. Apparently I’m supposed to go buy “raw” denim, which is not easy for women’s cuts.

        Ichabod looks nice the way he is.

      • Somewhere between Katherine Heigl and Anne Hathaway?

  4. Ahh, I forgot it was back!

  5. Well that highly uncomfortable commercial just made me commit to never buying another Skechers product ever again, lest people conclude I identify with a self-satisfied douche who publicly calls out artsy people. It might as well make their new slogan: “Skechers. For bros who are 29 and live with their parents about an hour outside a medium-sized city and don’t realize what all of that means.”

  6. This episode was hella scary guys.

    Also I feel like the skinny jeans bit was just to be like “Here guys, you can see Ichabod in modern day clothes for 5 seconds, including the skinny jeans you so desperately want to see him wear, but he will always, ALWAYS wear his old stuff. Sorry.”

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