Another Golden Globes come and gone, another party very much had, another bunch of celebrities given the honor of a drunken pat on the back by whoever makes up the Hollywood Foreign Press Association after stumbling their way through an overcrowded hotel ballroom. Truly, it is an #honor just to be stumbled over. For a meaningless award ceremony honoring a bunch of highly-paid pretenders and child molesters that is twice as long as it should be, though, it wasn’t the worst! Tiny and Amy did not disappoint! The pair’s opening monologue, which you can watch after the jump, if you’d like to, was funny and biting without the feeling like it was grasping for edginess, no duh. They are the best! Tiny Fey referenced Taylor Swift’s quote about there being a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women, which was perfect. Amy Poheler as Tina Fey’s son was very enjoyable. George Clooney joke. Leonardo DiCaprio joke. A+. There were some award surprises (even for those of us who feel like we know the HFPA very well jk) — 12 Years a Slave took home the award for best drama, but didn’t win anything else all night. American Hustle won three awards, even though that movie is not great. Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Andy Samberg won for best comedic series and best actor in a comedic series! Which should, at least, ensure us another season of the wonderful Brooklyn Nine-Nine! Aaron Paul did not win his category, and for whatever reason Jon Voight did not shout “YEAH, BITCH” when he won. Jacqueline Bisset should have stayed up there all night, as far as I’m concerned. Leonardo DiCaprio said “Philomania.” Diane Keaton sang a song. Literally no one in Hollywood can either operate a teleprompter or read from one. Blah, blah, blah. We get it. Want to get more of it? Like I said, Tiny and Amy’s opening monologue is after the jump, plus there are a few award winner speeches, plus a list of winners. Also there’s the photo gallery. Okay? ENJOY THEM, IF YOU’D LIKE TO!

Tina and Amy’s Opening Monologue (Part 1)

Tina and Amy’s Opening Monologue (Part 2)

Breaking Bad wins “Best TV Series”

Amy Poehler wins “Best Actress in a Comedy TV Series”

Andy Samberg wins “Best Actor in a Comedy TV Series”

MOVIES

Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical: Amy Adams, American Hustle

Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical: Leonardo DiCaprio, The Wolf of Wall Street

Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Drama: Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine

Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama: Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club

Best Supporting Actress, Motion Picture: Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle

Best Supporting Actor, Motion Picture: Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club

Best Director, Motion Picture: Alfonso Cuarón, Gravity

Best Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy: American Hustle

Best Motion Picture, Drama: 12 Years a Slave

Best Original Score, Motion Picture: Alex Ebert, All Is Lost

Best Original Song, Motion Picture: U2, “Ordinary Love,” Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom

Best Screenplay, Motion Picture: Spike Jonze, Her

Best Animated Feature Film: Frozen

TELEVISION:

Best Actress, TV Series, Comedy or Musical: Amy Poehler, Parks & Recreation

Best Actor in a TV Series, Comedy or Musical: Andy Samberg, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Best Actress in a TV Series, Drama: Robin Wright, House of Cards

Best Actor in a TV Series, Drama: Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

Best TV Series, Drama: Breaking Bad

Best TV Series, Comedy: Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Best TV Mini-Series or Movie: Behind the Candelabra

Best Actress, TV Movie or Miniseries: Elisabeth Moss, Top of the Lake

Best Actor, TV Miniseries or Movie: Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra

Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series, Miniseries, Motion Picture Made for Television: Jon Voight, Ray Donovan

Best Supporting Actress in a TV Series, Miniseries, Motion Picture Made for Television: Jacqueline Bisset, Dancing on the Edge

Comments (67)
  1. So in summary…

  2. Congrats to all of us for making it through the show.

  3. I muted Diane Keaton and missed her song, which, according to my Twitter feed, was terrifying.

  4. My feelings on Woody Allen as an artist and Woody Allen as a moral human being are polar opposite, so I spent most of the night wrestling the deep moral quandry of whether or not a line was crossed by giving him a drunken, meaningless award.

    • …that he didn’t even bother to show up to accept.

    • I think I am the only one on the planet who doesn’t like Woody Allen movies. I think they’re horribly misogynistic. It’s hard being alone sometimes …

      • I should actually amend this, because I did like some of his earlier stuff. “What’s Up, Tiger Lilly” was funny and I enjoyed “Manhattan Murder Mystery” … but “Deconstructing Harry” made me want to set the world on fire.

        • I don’t like Woody Allen either.
          He stole a killer joke from Groucho Marx (the thing about how he wouldn’t be in a club that would have him as a member) and I’ve always hated him for that.

      • you’re not wrong…

        • I have been totally mangling my comments of late. I hope that ellipsis is not read to signify justifying the misogyny of his work, I was just agreeing with you.

      • I agree with you! The Woody movies I like are few and far between and I’m always shocked when it happens. (I also really really do not like my birthday buddy Diane Keaton as an actress OR Annie Hall as a character, so those few minutes last night were hell for me.)

        • FINALLY I FIND COMRADES IN ARMS! I HATE Annie Hall’s character. I think she is totally anti-feminist and I don’t get people who say otherwise. I mean, maybe for the time (?) … but honestly I don’t see it. I did find myself watching Annie Hall the other day, however, and marveling at the fashion. I can’t believe we don’t dress like that anymore!!!!!

          • Agreed! Yay! My theory is that when it came out she was sort of a different type of modern woman, and maybe everyone loved her so much and look to her character as a prototype for a successful, complicated woman? So now we are overwhelmed with a bunch of fake Annie Halls, and ANNIE HALL WAS NOT THAT GREAT OF A CHARACTER.
            Can we also discuss That Girl, and while I appreciate that she was a working lady and that was amazing and new in pop culture, That Girl herself as a character was just incredibly annoying and infantilized.

      • I didn’t mind Annie Hall, but it did seem a little ridiculous. Otherwise, I haven’t had much interest in his other stuff. It mostly just makes me role my eyes. I don’t particularly like him as an actor.

      • You’re definitely not alone. I’ve never really liked any of his films–even the ones I’ve seen that didn’t actively piss me off just didn’t grab me.

      • cassie  |   Posted on Jan 13th +10

        you are not alone. His movies are the worst. One of my friends made me watch Manhattan because it’s his favorite movie and it was one of the most painful nine hundred hours of my life.

      • Oh god, I freaking hate Woody Allen movies.

      • Oh man I’m glad we’re all letting this out. Because truthfully I didn’t care for Blue Jasmine all that much (though I stand by my opinion that Cate Blanchett was great in it)

  5. I watched Inside Llewyn Davis yesterday, twice. I haven’t seen American Hustle, but I know in my heart it is not as good.

    • What happens to the cat??

      The werld kneerds to kneeeeww!!! (very good call back. Flanny will be pleased).

      • the cat goes on an incredible journey

        • That is not specific enough information for me. Does anything remotely bad happen to that cat (like, is his kibble bowl empty at one point? is he asleep on a chair and someone makes him move?) If the cat dies, I will not see the movie.

          • It’s complicated. CAT SPOILERS ALERT (SORT OF). I think you will be pleased at the ultimate fate of the cat. In another sense you will be left to wonder about the ultimate fate of the cat. At one point you will experience a startling event related to the cat. The cat is a wonderful part of the movie, you should see it.

          • The cat is the only good part of the movie, somebody just cut the cat parts together except leave out that one cat part that made me so sad.

          • I said the same thing about Snakes On A Plane. If that cat dies, I am not watching this movie. But then they ate a Chihuahua later on, so I was all like, even Stevens.

  6. I’m pretty sure Amy Adams has magical boobs that somehow do not slip out of things.

    Or tape. Lots and lots of tape.

    • sota  |   Posted on Jan 13th +7

      She looked AMAZING. She should write that Tape a thank you note for giving her the chance to wear that dress.

    • Unlike Robin Wright. I was like, is that a plastic surgery scar on her sideboob? And someone had to explain to me that her boob tape was showing.

  7. Amy & Tina did a great job and told a lot of great jokes!
    Also remember when P Diddy was crazy? So great.
    So happy Amy won for Leslie Knope!!!!!
    Also wish Tatiana Maslany had won.

    • I can’t believe Maslany didn’t win! I haven’t seen House of Cards, so maybe Robin Wright’s performance is great, but I doubt any female tv performance this year could top Maslany’s in Orphan Black. Maybe she’ll get it for season 2.

  8. 12 Years should have one all the awards. That movie was absolutely riveting AND managed to completely stay with me.

    I used to work with a guy that acted just like Matthew McConahey (sp??). We did not get a long. He was one of my least favorite people. He also claimed that the movie Hot Rod was based on his life.

    • It’s bad enough that I have to look at Matthew McConaughey’s gross old butt every time I watch Magic Mike and then he had to go and steal Chiwetel’s award.

    • The fact that 12 Years lost all it’s acting awards is pure garbage. I thought McQueen and Cuaron were pretty much equally deserving for different reasons and I love both their work so I was okay with that, but not even one of the acting awards for that movie is unbelievable to me.

    • I like MM and think deserves recognition for all the great work he’s been doing lately, but that specific performance is not as great as CE’s in 12 Years a Slave.

  9. I thought this was a pretty apt comparison:

    • flanny  |   Posted on Jan 13th +13

      They both look great.

    • While I obviously don’t really feel sorry for Jennifer, because she’s a beautiful rich famous person, I do sympathize with her whole Dior contract situation, which I’m sure she’s long since come to regret. They keep putting her in such terrible stuff! She’s going to look back at all these pictures from a high point of her career and think “Dammit, I could have looked SO MUCH BETTER.”

      • Yeah, she’s not a Dior girl. She’d do better with a label like Gucci or even Prada/Miu Miu. Leave the stuffy Dior dresses to the Natalie Portmans.

  10. Amy Adams is pretty much the only American Hustle winner that I thought deserved to win last night. I mean, I thought it was a watchable, fun sort of thing and all the acting was great, a few jobs exceptional, but when you look at the competition in the other categories where it won it’s just straight up wrong.

    • Oh, but I am really glad Elizabeth Moss won for Top of the Lake, she really deserved some recognition for that finally.

    • That movie’s just a mess, like if God spilled some Scorsese.

      • Everything was way to neat. They may as well have stamped, “And they all lived happily ever after,” on the credits. It was like, “Some of that was funny but why did I sit through all this? So Those two could have a problem-free art gallery?”

  11. Does this mean mcconaughey will win the oscar? god i hope so. #alrightalrightalright

    • I love that he quoted Dazed and Confused. I sort of hate him, but I bet he’s kind of a blast to hang out with. He was sitting with Julia Louise-Dreyfuss, and I would just love to sit there drinking with them.

  12. Also I LOVED Melissa McCarthy’s Matt Damon impression.

    Also that Tina & Amy called him a garbage person.

  13. why did diane keaton look like she was created in ms paint

  14. Did I miss the Taylor Swift reference? When did that occur?

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